It’s been 63 days since this nightmare began. Every hour I seem to feel different emotions. Latest one keeps flitting through my mind, Keith is only gone temporarily and soon he will be back home, I start to feel happy and this will all be over soon and I will be so excited to see him,… But of course I know that’s not gonna happen, so why is my brain thinking like this!!! I’ve been crying more than ever lately and can barely talk to my mum on the phone without crying. I am on my own with our 2 cats, I don’t work and my family and friends are all far away. I’m happy at home and don’t want to leave but when probate is sorted I have to sell and leave. I’m finding it really hard unless I keep busy, but I’m getting tired now and starting to get too upset finishing things around the garden and house without Keith and knowing I will have to leave anyway. I had my 2nd dream with Keith in, since he passed. It was strange, I don’t feel that he ‘visited’ me in a dream, it’s probably because I was looking at photos of him during the day but in the dream we were sat on a bench and I was cuddling him saying if you see a Dr you may get an extra few years to live and he said yes I will go and see one, it was a strange dream because in real life we had no idea that Keith had a heart disease, he had no symptoms, nothing wrong, but when he died they said two heart arteries completely blocked and other one almost blocked and heart had started growing another! This had started decades ago. Keith was 73 and died in one minute from hypoxia due to heart attack. He made no noise, just said I feel faint and he was gone. He was also driving at the time and I had to take control of the car. I saw my beloved Keith dead in my drivers seat. In one minute from saying he felt faint, he let out his final gasp. But paramedics got his heart started again but an hour had passed, he spent two weeks in hospital but they turned off his ventilator due to brain damage. I have so much to deal with. I have written on here before, but I find writing helps me. I know it’s good to let out the emotions. I read other peoples posts on here and we all seem to go through the same emotions and thoughts, but only we really know what it’s like. It is an unbelievably hard aching, yearning to have your loved one back and everything back to normal, but we know that is impossible and somehow we just get on with each day at a time.
Hi, I totally relate to your feelings. I lost my partner 6 weeks ago via a similar ventilator incident. I even drive myself crazy on stupid details such as what point she really passed away. The shock makes the passing so much harder, like PTSD according to my vicar. I am paranoid when family get ill now in case it escalates. I still feel emotional exhaustion and am planning to go back to work partially next week after 6 weeks. I have no idea how I got from day 1 to 6 weeks by just getting washed, dressed and trudging through each day. I try not to think ahead further than 1 day because I don’t really want to live this new empty life. But we must carry on, support each other in the hope that one day we may feel slightly better.
Sorry for your loss, yes I think I have ptsd too. I keep replaying the moment he died, I have watched my dash am footage several times, the weird thing is a policeman drove my car to the hospital and on the dash am footage you see the, ambulance pass by with my Keith in, then followed by police car, with me in, it makes it all so surreal like watching a film. I think my brain just can’t take it all in. The tragic way in which Keith went, the scary way he died at the wheel on the motorway doing 70mph + and me having to somehow take control, seeing my dead husbands face change with death, having to give my dead husband cpr in a car in a motorway layby all alone, seeing paramedics shock him 4 times, and his lifeless body moving with the force, tell his sons, tell my parents and then wait two weeks until they decide to let him pass, on my birthday! Then go home 200 miles away from my family, and now wait until I have to leave our home as no will was left, and probably a big bust up with my step sons as they want their share of money and house. It is a nightmare. All I want is Keith.
I’m so sorry for your loss. My Bry passed suddenly and it’s hit so hard . I’d spoke. To him at 4am ( he was a bugger fir falling asleep downstairs - my fault as I’m a night owl and would always say let’s jus watch one more ) then he would be snoring away and I sneak up so I could sleep without the snore ( makes me feel guilty now) anyway back to 4am and we had a small chat , cuddled up & went to sleep . At around 7.20 he brought the cuppas up as always & went into the bathroom . Never heard a thing but woke up ( late - mum was in hospital and I was so tired as bizarrely I was worrying if she would make it ) and thought he didn’t kiss me goodbye or shout bye again as he left for work. I noticed the light still on under the bathroom door & think I knew something wasn’t right . Opened it & he’d gone , I took a while - seconds but felt longer , thinking can’t believe he’s fell asleep in the loo!! Then I noticed his arm colour & then his skin. He too apparently had heart disease , we had no idea he was never tired in general and never stopped T weekends , Gardening, washing cars etc , no breathlessness or swelling- we were in Berlin in the November and walked & walked & walked with no problem so that came as a shock to hear . He died from an acutely heart attack . I take peace in from process of elimination, it was quick and more than likely lost consciousness first . It was so difficult seeing my man & best friend like that but I’m glad it was me as that was my job I suppose . I’m rambling again but bless you , as to actually witness it must be even more difficult and heartbreaking for you . Sending big hugs to you xx
So sorry to hear your sad loss. It’s unreal how many of us are going through the same kind of situation. You think you are the only one when something awful happens and how sudden and shocking but its someone else going through it somewhere every second. I don’t know whether that makes it a little easier or not. You sound protective over your Bry, glad it was you that found him. I feel very protective over my Keith, always was, would of done anything for him. I do wish now, with hindsight that they didn’t haul him out the car and shock him 4 times to revive his heart. His brain was already gone and they must of known that as they said I was doing CPR for 30 mins, as I was told too by ambulance man on phone. It’s, shocking that we don’t know when our bodies have something wrong like this. Like your Bry, Keith was so active and did a physical job right up to 67 when he retired and then we did so much here at home, building, landscaping. Sometimes it horrifies me to think of what he might of been doing when it could of happened at anytime but then I guess driving on the motorway is a pretty scary place for it to happen. He had a pilots licence and flew planes in the 80s and 90s, he would of had his condition then as Dr at hospital said this would of started when he was younger, could of been in his 20s 30s 40s who knows. How on earth did he do all that he did with blocked arteries and no symptoms and how long had his 3rd artery been blocking up. I don’t understand it really and when they said his heart had started to grow another artery to mend itself, well I couldn’t believe it. Everything is so shocking. I hope you have family around to help you. I hope you are managing to cope. I have 2 step sons but they have been no comfort at all. I feel very protective over Keith, as they didn’t make much effort to keep in touch with him, yet they announced on bloody Facebook he was ill from a heart attack, they used a photo that I had sent them during lock down, one of my favourite photos of Keith here in our garden and said he was in hospital so then all their friends are ‘liking’ and giving caring hearts and thumbs up, they didn’t know Keith, who are these people, no mention of me either. Their mum died 3 years before I met Keith and we were all mates as I only 15 years or so older than them. Then when Keith died, it was announced again on Facebook. I had a missed call from his son and tried to ring him back but phone kept cutting off when it rang. I knew they were turning off Keith’s ventilator as the Dr had rung me in the morning, but I didn’t know when. I found out via Facebook when his son put a broken heart emoji for ffs! Then they wrote a post saying how they were by his side holding his hand for 13 days until he passed, and no longer in pain. Well, I was with him when he died, in my car and he, was never in any pain, never been ill in his life, barely even a headache, ever and he didn’t suffer in death, Dr told me it would of been instant, and he made no noise, just fainted and gone. Only noise was his lungs, emptying when he had died, and his skin changed colour and he didn’t look like Keith anymore. It was, awful, but we were together when it happened. So I feel very protective towards my beloved husband.
Oh @Lou38 sounds like you had a right time of it what is it with family some just love the limelight of it all sadly
I’ve got my kids and and some really great friends so I’m lucky . Se say the wrong things but they don’t understand - how could they until they go through it
Brys brothers & sister have not checked in once since the funeral to see him is I am but bll ti them
I am protective of Bry because he was a fab hard working honest man, like your Keith sounds .
Can see you are part of the ‘ wide awake club ‘ too I’ve tried everything tonight but my head will not switch off even though I’m exhausted
Sending you a big hug xxxx
p.s Pilot . Wow!!!
Yes I’ve been doing the same of different scenarios of how when where it could have happened , Crazy how our minds go into overthinking everything xxx