Hear me out..

My story is. I was abused as a child and then in a relationship. Mentally and physically as a child. We now call it “gaslighting”. I found my one true happiness when I was 33. I met Simon. Now 25 years later some b**tard who has allegedly mapped my life out for me, decided that 33 years of crap plus 25 very happy and content ones, means I now deserve something much worse than the first 33!!! My soulmate and reason for whatever this “life” is was taken by lung cancer in 2 short months. The poor bloke had many medical issues through his life but we got on with it and we’re HAPPY!!

Anyway the point of this post. We have no children. “God” intervened in that too. He had testicular cancer. Family live 70 miles away. I have friends but they have their own lives. Proof of the amount of times I have seen them in the last 4 weeks and in some cases since the funeral. I hate my job. It is full of women who, 90% of have not even offered their condolence on my return to work.… I go to the bereavement groups. I get our walking. I keep myself and the house clean. All boxed ticked. But I am doing this because society tells me I have too. I am of free will so why can people not be allowed to arrange to go a clinic and be put humanly to sleep. My organs can be donated to those who need them and have something to live for. Why am I made to trudge along this awful journey with such pain. If I was in pain from cancer or something else they would give me something. So why can’t I be allowed to do this?!?!! It’s cruel.


I feel your pain Rammie, we should have been going on a Mediterranean cruise on 23rd June, this date ended up being my wifes funeral. We were both, but Donna especially, so very excited for this holiday, visiting Pompeii, had already booked a wheelchair friendly tour, and everything was snatched away on 30th May, when my poor long suffering wife passed away.
I too had lots of visitors before the funeral, but its dwindled to none now, just me and the 2 dogs.


Hi @Rammie . Things happened in my life which damaged me, and I recognise what its like. Not in my childhood, I had lovely supportive parents! But my work environment was another story, circumstances threw me for many years into a job I couldnt stand, with people I hated with a real passion, and a culture of bullying and abuse. I only managed to escape by having a heart attack and was able to get early retirement. (I don’t recommend this as a strategy, but it was one of the best things I ever did)
However I continued to carry the hurt wirh me, continually looking back, dragging memories back, the nightmares were terrible.
It was only when I realised I was suffering from PTSD, that I began to realise that I had to do something about it. (PTSD, doesnt only result from military service).
So I sorted it by therapy, a course of hypnotherapy, which was very successful and enjoyable.
I’ll not go into it in detail, but Im happy to send you more info if you wish.
There really is an end to your dark days (AND THOUGHTS)
Good luck.

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Hi. I haven’t been diagnosed with PTSD though. Thank you for your reply. Feel sometimes no one reads my posts.

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Thank you for your reply. I understand people have their own lives. And I would hate to be a burden. But sometimes I feel like I am the one asking all the time. It would be just easier to help people out with organ donation and put an end to this “life”. They say make the best of it. But make the best of what? The best was my husband. As is your wife. I can still do all the things we used to and even new things. But it’s for the sake of it and how society expects me to act.


I am also bullied at work. That’s because of how I was bought up. I don’t stick up for myself. Because I am not worth it.

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There’s no "best of anything " in this situation, its dreadful, i feel like in watching my life through a window at times, its not me in there, and this awful thing didn’t happen.
Im sure you’re not a burden. you’re a human being who is traumatised by something terrible happening, and as such, I’d be amazed if anyone thought anything else.
Carrying on doing things is never the same, and never will be im afraid, in fact doing things that i used to do with her, like shopping, walking the dogs, are incredibly painful to me. I can’t get out of Lidl fast enough these days, before i break down.
Try and be yourself at all times, be honest and completely truthful with everyone, if you’re having a bad day, tell them so. If its a problem then its their problem not yours.


Hi again @Rammie. I wasnt diagnosed for ptsd either. We don’t need to be diagnosed to either know we are suffering, or trying to resolve it.

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Rammie I think perhaps we need to pick and chose who we tell how we feel to, in case they don’t say the right thing, someone said to me my husband was better off dead rather than be a vegetable. If 90% of the women at your workplace haven’t even given their condolences then don’t waste anymore of your thoughts on them. My neighbour said to me “no one can know unless it has happened to them” and I agree with him. I think we are in so much turmoil when someone we love dies suddenly, we don’t really know what we want or what we think. I know I don’t know what to think since my husband died in an accident, I can’t make sense of something which doesn’t make sense. My husband died 10 months ago, he was 55 fit and healthy and I have mourned the future we will not have together. There is no one that will convince me it was his time, but I know it’s not my time, so I can only go on. I know my husband would want me to live my life, as you say whatever that is and how are we going to do that. But from what you have said your life is a statement of strength isn’t it? Strength not weakness.