Heart breaks every day

Looking to the future
#1

I used to think you’re heart could only break once. Now I know different it can break every single day numerous times. Just been crying my eyes out came out of nowhere. Oh I miss my sister so so much. Its so damn unfair. Reading this forum I know it’s not just me fealing this way. My sister was a year younger than me. I didn’t realise not truly how blooming important she was to me. I guess you don’t do you, you just assume that youl always be there youl grow to be dithering older ladies together. You imagine youl deal with the passing of you’re parents side by side. Everything has altered the whole family dynamics. It’s like being in a weird world nothing feels real. Oh I don’t cry every day not like it was in the first few months… She died in April brain cancer just over 3 months from Diagnosis to death so a utter shock. But still every day I wake think ohh ill ring… And the sick feeling the hurt hits me again

I heard that my bro in law had been away overnight with some woman. How he gets away with it re the covid I don’t know. Maybe they pretend to be a couple instead of just pick ups from a, blooming dateing site. He also has lost a bracelet he had with some of my sisters ashes in it. Very upsetting. No doubt lost it in a hotel room. I just do not get how in less than 6 months you can loose you’re wife, claim you’re devestated then start sh**ging around. It’s just arghhh words don’t cover it.

You know my sister spent 9 weeks in hospital. 5 of those we knew that the Dr’s weren’t going to do anything else. For 8 of those weeks I wanted a second opinion from christies at Manchester but my bro in law refused. Now I think I know why. His wife died, he bought on the insurance pay out a audi tt at 25000,he bought a 18000 motorbike. He decorated the house, he threw out her clothes, he sold her jewelery, he got rid of her dog, he joined a dating site and replaced her. I hate his guts. I just had to get that out.

#2

Hi Paula. Now that is so sad. People can be really uncaring, or appear to be so. None of us know what was going through your brother in law’s mind. He may be escaping from reality in the only way he can. I am not making excuses for bad behaviour. It must have been devastating for you to see your sister in hospital and in such distress and him apparently without caring after.
You are so right. We don’t really appreciate what we have until we lose it. The world goes on around us when we feel it should stop because of our pain. I still find it difficult to see older couples together when I am on my own. Yes, it does seem as if our hearts break over and over. It’s nearly two years since my wife died and the missing is still very much there, but I soldier on as she would have wished me to.
Take care and be as kind to yourself as you can be. Blessings. John.

#3

Thankyou.
Had a good old cry this morning whilst out with my dog. It still doesn’t feel real.

#4

I feel your pain, but sometimes people don’t cope well with grief. My father-in-law did the same. Many many years of marriage Then his beloved wife died , he met a much younger woman at the cemetery and within 5 months of his wife’s death she’d moved in. My husband was devastated. I myself lost my husband to sudden death last year he was only 55. But I’ve seen so much loss over the years and everyone is different. People grief different, some do throw there selves into new relationships to ease the pain off loss, sex is the thing that makes them feel alive after such a massive Loss. I had counselling after my husband died as the Shock nearly pushed me over the edge. I’m alone still but I understand why some people go for Grief Sex , just to feel something again. Doesn’t mean it’s love . I for one had an amazing husband and I don’t think anyone would come close but who knows what the future holds. We have one Life only, we’re here to try and be Happy. I’m Sorry he’s hurt you in this way. I hope one day you forgive him as we forgave my husband’s Dad. We do what we can to survive. Maybe that’s his way of trying to forget. I don’t know ! Keep strong. Xxx

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#5

I know that technically he’s doing nothing wrong it’s just hurtful plus there’s other issues that are too long and comicated as to why I’m very angry at him.

#6

Hi Paula my son died from brain cancer in July 19, we were lucky to have him for four years after diagnosis , but treatment was brutal. It amazed me and broke my heart at the same time the punishment his body took. He was a month from his 30 birthday when he died.
Im so sorry for your loss, i knew nothing about brain cancer before, its an awful disease. My sons partner was dating online within three months, he is self centered and competes with us like greif is a game to win. I understand when you say you hate your sisters husband. I have cut myself off from him, my son had changed will as after bailing his partner out for the third time during chemo he did not want him getting hands on any more of his cash. He recievd only a small amout. I try to think about the happy times we chat about him often i keep in touch with his friends. They send me cards and chat about their wild exploits as he cant get told off now. Itbrings me comfort.
I worry about my daughter, she is a single parent of two girls and I knew they would have each other after we are gone. I hope you have family and friends to support you, I hope that in the future no one will loose their loved one this way xx

#7

Gayle
Yes brain cancer is brutel I too knew nothing untill my sisters sudden diagnosis. So sorry you lost you’re son and so so young.

Yes I felt my bro in law poo pood my greif, pushed aside our parents it was initially like ohh you don’t understand I thought ffs I’ve lost my only sister our parents have lost a daughter and you say we don’t understand the pain.
Then he benefited financially and bragged over how his worries were now over and he wouldn’t need to work again. Ohh I could swing for him. But it’s easier to have no contact.

He’d joined a dateing site too like you’re sons, partner. If he’d not actively gone looking but had met someone in time I think that would have been different but to go looking felt, feels like he was replacing someone unreplaceable.

#8

Paula its hard to watch someone profit from a loved ones death. I had a moment after xmas when i had a honest conversation with him. It made me feelbetter that I let him know I knew all that had went on.
I find that the limbo we are all living in with Covid has put me back . I hope for better days for us both xx

#9

I am so sorry for your loss, Paula… Jesus… I just want to say what an @rsehole your bro-in-law is… A total heartless bastard… You’d think he’d had waited for a bit longer for the sake of convincing pretence.

Sorry about my language, it’s truly awful and worsened your grief xxx

#10

You’re language is tame to what me and my parents have used.

He’s got a few woman on the go. He even has them round the home my sister lived in. He’s a male tart.

#11

Hi Paula you have made me laugh out loud, first time in ages.
I must have used my work speak, oh im with you, I am kniwn to describe him in colourful / offensive terms. Thinking about them right now .

#12

I’m glad I made you laugh. Male tart is probly an old fashioned term but if cap fits.

Its my sisters birthday next week she would have been 51.itll be a, tough bitter sweet day.

#13

Those are the hardest days, first birthday after Ryan passed we had a little party. We ate his favourite foods, told stories about him , laughed and cries all at once.
People say it get easier as time passes, I disagree, you become used to the loss, but it doesnt hurt less.

#14

We’ve had the first Christmas. Then this January we had the date she got diagnosed. Now we’re comeing up to her birthday.
You’re right it doesn’t realy get easier I’ve just got better at keeping it inside. I was crying and very upset earlier this week. I still find myself thinking ill ring Tracey have a moan, ill ring her and tell her this bit of gossip, then I remember and I still feel sick and my heart feels crushed.

#15

Paula I know exactly what you mean, when you think about calling then you remember you cant, its like loosing them all over again. I struggled to remember good times in the beginning, my focus was stuck on the changes the illness made to his mind and body.
It was a form of torture, I became fearful I would be stuck there forever. I made changes to my days, I joined a new gym where I didnt know anyone did yoga, began cooking again rather than snacking
ie eating takeaways. I returned to work, I was lucky no lockdown, it was a distraction. It helped.
My friends still laugh about the yoga, im the most unlikely yoga person ever.

#16

My sister died in April 2020 so we were in lockdown. The funeral was 10 people ten minutes stood outside. I spent the first 6 months after her death in a, weird kinda this isn’t real state I was numb I couldn’t comprehend how someone so fit and healthy had literally been diagnosed and was, dead in less, than 4 months. Cancer, brain tumours it was, a, awfull cruel decline that left her totally dependant on family and palliative nurses. She, used to say how, she hated being so helpless and wished she’d not woken up… What can you say to that… We couldn’t even say don’t be daft you’ll get well because we all knew including my sister that she, was, going to die.

Now I just feel lost. I put on a good show of cracking on, I can even smile, laugh and remember the good times but everything is, tinged with sorrow.

I gained over a stone after her death I just fealt who cares over weight, appearance, money all I want is for this, not to have happened.

Lockdown and covid as turned me into a semi recluse I only do what’s, needed ie walk the dog. I find I can’t be bothered much with other people. Daft things make me feel angry. The other day my freind was, 60 and I wished her via tex a, happy birthday to which she replied nowt happy about being 60.I felt realy annoyed at her so text back it’s, a peivaledge to be 60 some people never get there. We need to remember this.

#17

Dear @Paula51

It must have been upsetting to hear your friend say ‘not happy about being 60’… We would have traded anything, everything just to spend a little more quality time with our loved ones.

I have heard a few tactless or hurtful comments/responses in the past few months. Are we being too sensitive or are people being insensitive? I’m wondering all the time now.

#18

Dear Paula and Riley

I lost my husband in September. We had been together 42 years and married 38. Like yourselves I would trade everything I have to have him back by my side.

Ian died in a motorbike crash. I hated the motorbike. I posted the funeral notice and some of his friends posted pictures of him on his motorbike - I felt that they had hijacked this event. My family stopped me from posting comments back making me see that they were trying to honour his memory. I still find it tactless but accept my family’s explanation.

What I find hurtful are the insensitive comments in cards or spoken words. At Christmas one of his friends sent me a card saying ‘have a wonderful Christmas’. I went into meltdown. All it takes is a few moments for people to think before they put pen to paper or open their mouths.

I am lost without my husband. My children keep me going but one lives down south and I only get to speak with her on the phone. The days I do not go round my son’s house I stay in bed.

We are all in a place we do not want to be.

Take care and keep talking to those of us who understand the grief we are suffering.

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#19

After my sister died it was my mums birthday a few months later. I sent her a card but didn’t put happy birthday in it. It was just a, plane card saying it was from me. On father’s day again I didn’t send a happy father’s day card either. There was nothing happy about these events for my parents do soon after looseing my sister.
My sister had her 50th birthday in a hospital bed knowing she was dyeing of brain cancer she couldn’t walk, hardly talk was on a feeding tube and catheter, yet idiots sent cards saying here’s to the next half century, looking wonderful at 50.it made my bloody blood boil.

#20

Dear Paula

I have not sent any cards since Ian died. Could not bring myself to sign a card with my name only. It was my birthday not long after his death and I asked for no cards etc. Most respected my wishes but one family member sent me a picture of me and Ian which upset me with a card saying something along the lines of ‘hope this brings a smile’. I know what he looks like and have 42 years of photos.

I have now actively excluded anyone who can be so insensitive.

I am thinking of you and your family at this time.

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