Heart to heart

Hello it’s been a while since I’ve been on here
I recently had a heart to heart conversation with my partner. I wanted to find out from her how come things are weird between us and I know now it isn’t silent grief she’s suffering from. It is been getting to me since she lost her mum nearly 7 years not long after I lost my mum. She told me she has so much unresolved in her life in the past and it’s not because she’s grieving. I told her how I felt that how she’s feeling it’s impacting on me and on our relationship. Things haven’t been right for a long time though I do still feel her grief is playing a part but I just have to trust she’s being honest with me. She said she can see how my own grief is tearing me apart I said to her maybe I feel it more than you do and I said to her I am not coping as well as I should be. Once again I have to be strong for her to get her through the unresolved. I am not strong not really
My partner and I have been through so much in 17 years we’ve been together and I want to believe we can get through this with love because god knows that’s why I have stayed with her all this time.


Hi @Steven ,

I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support/share their thoughts, but I just wanted to say thank you for so bravely sharing this with us. Keep reaching out,


Steven, it’s my feeling that you’ve only just touched on this and you both are likely to have shied away from continuing the conversation being uncomfortable and not wanting to spoil your 17 year relationship. That said maybe you need to start the conversation again, you can’t help each other get through the other side if you don’t understand what the real issue is. Perhaps little and often is the way forward, even if a single answer helps by eliminating a worry or clearing a perceived guilt or regret. I’ve recently lost my husband of 45 years and looking back wish I had understood him better. Some people find it difficult to share for any number of reasons but any means of communication is worth a try. Best wishes

Hello thanks for your reply.
It’s true that we haven’t really discussed it. I could see in her eyes how hurt she feels. My partner had a very abusive relationship and marriage with her daughter’s father. She went through so much nearly 32 years ago. What he did to my partner beggars belief and I know it’s always been there in the background impacting our relationship and it’s like my own previous marriage ended in tragedy finding myself fighting for custody of my disabled daughter. It left me angry and bitter towards my ex wife and her interfering parenting especially her father. We were both in what I could describe as a tug of love. Two parents holding the arms of a child in the middle of our custody battle. To this day I regret.
My partner and I did touch on what is bothering her and she recognises she has to seek help. I’ve told her I will support her I just don’t think it’s emotional support she wants from me but just someone who will listen. She knows what happened to her is unresolved. I feel helpless.
I have to accept it’s not the grief of losing her mum that’s bothering her I don’t truly belief it
At some point I am going to start the conversation again and find out if there is anything more I can do to help her then maybe she can help me to come more to terms with what happened to me and my daughter nearly 20 years this ago

Hi Steven, I can’t even imagine how you have both managed to cope as you have so far with your histories. Reading between the lines you both have much still to come to terms with. You’ve already considered counselling and that seems a good idea to me as even though many years have passed it could and should help talking to a professional. I can understand your partner feeling like she doesn’t want you to see her weaknesses, she may think they are silly when they’re obviously not if they are affecting your relationship but for you to listen when she needs to that’s got to be good even if you would like more. Maybe you could consider being the first to book an appointment and lead by example, could that nudge her into following suit?

Yeah my own grieving hasn’t really been counselled in the way I’ve wanted. I might consider it when times right but I would need to chat with someone who knows what it’s like to lose a mum. It would help me a lot
I also have to talk to my daughter who’s disabled about why we’re so estranged

Sounds like you have a way forward in mind. I hope you both find the comfort you seek. Best wishes