This is my first post but I have been looking at the site for a week. My husband died just before Christmas and was at end of life for 8 weeks before that. His funeral was last Tuesday and I got through that without breaking down. Everyone thinks I’m so brave but in private I am a mess and heartbroken. I long to see him again and hear his voice but I know I have to let go. It has helped me to read the posts of others going through the same situation.
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My husband died nearly 3weeks ago, I feel for you. I think we put on a bit of an act to people that we are coping, but the quiet moments on our own are heartbreaking. I still have over a week to my husbands funeral, I’m finding it so hard.
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My husband passed away in Nov of last year. The pain of his passing is still very much present. I miss him so much. I think we all put on this false face to others as we feel we have to yet they do not see the heartbreak the tears the sleepless nights the long lonely days. I haven’t been on this site for very long I do feel reassured from reading others posts as we are not alone. I understand how you feel we are on this awful journey together with everyone else. Do look after yourself.
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It is almost a dirty little secret we have to keep!
Heard those words so much ‘You are so strong’, that was through out my husbands illness, his end and now. Whilst crumbling inside.
And the words when my suffering is witnessed ‘ he wouldn’t want you to suffer’. Almost always well intended.
Well it’s given he wouldn’t want me so broken, I know that 100%. That’s the love we had. But guess what I am finding hard is to do it for ME, to not suffer for ME. So I need to cry, I need to re live it, to feel it, to face it up close and raw, all the damned lot of it. And maybe little by little I can be rid of this to a point I can walk with my head held up and not hide in the shadows being strong because just at the moment no matter how I look, I’m NOT.
Gentle hugs. Allow yourself this grief. 
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Thank you Megron, Claudie and Absent. It helps to know I’m not alone with this grief that hits me like a gunshot several times a day. A couple of things have helped me today. I’ve walked round the garden and the snowdrops and hellebores are out, the roses have new leaves and I’ve seen a couple of birds with grass in their beaks to nest with. In other words while we grieve the world goes on its steady round.
The other thing that has helped is that I’ve turned round 2 photos of my darling - one was the one that was on the cover of his funeral order of service and the other was the last photo taken of him when he could still smile 3 weeks before his death. The sight of them made me weep. I’ll turn them back round again soon and see how I get on.
Just silly little strategies but helpful. People keep saying ‘Look after yourself’ so tomorrow I’m booking a hair colour! I’m also helping to organize a celebration of life for my husband which will be on 28th February which my son tells me will be a joyous day full of happy conversation, music and even dancing. My husband loved company, conversation and a drink so we’ll see how it goes.
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Yes I made my husbands wake a celebration. And yes I danced. I did the playlist. We love our music. He would have loved it! It’something to do for them and occupy you. X
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It really helps me reading all of your words. I don’t feel so alone. I have been told, you are doing so well and you are being strong, but I’m not really, my heart is breaking. I have just turned a picture of us both round, all these little things that are so difficult. The funeral is the 3rd of February, I want it to be personal and special. Our daughter has written the eulogy, it is beautiful and she has captured everything. She won’t read it herself, but reading it today has made everything real.
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You have a lot to face in saying goodbye to your husband sending you a big hug you are not alone
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I’m sure you will do him proud.
These moments should be cherished not dreaded, I think.
It gave me some comfort at that time. Because it was something I could still do for him. The kind, gentle beautiful person he was and is still in my heart.
Hope you can gain some comfort with it too
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Funeeals are not dress rehearals. You have one chance to make it the best you possibly can. Be brave X
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My husband had chosen not to have a funeral but a direct cremation as he did not want fuss. I know many would have attended to say their goodbyes had there been a full funeral. As hard as it was and it was very hard I honoured his wishes to the end. I knew the date and time of his cremation and my heart broke again. I now have his ashes in a beautiful oak casket I talk to him all the time.
You honoured his wishes and that is the most important thing you could do. He would be proud of you.i
I talk to my husband too. It helps.
Thank you - I hope he would be proud it was so hard to do. I couldn’t bring myself to go and say goodbye at the chapel of rest as the cancer had ravaged him so much it no longer looked like him when he passed.
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That was exactly right for you. It is about what they wanted.
Must have been so hard for you though.
But you held hos wishes. Such LOVE.
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We are all trying to honour our husbands’ wishes - part of our love for them. My darling was ravaged by bowel cancer and died 4 months after diagnosis. His decline was unbelievably rapid. He was so brave.
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My husband fought for 5 yrs with lymphona. Cruely it came back as multiple brain tumours.
But I nursed his dad when he had bowel cancer and witnessed that evil form too. I mean nursed him, not just popping in. And the support was dreadful from family and healthcare.
We are left terrible memories and our own worn out, sad bodies. as a result. My reward is I have no regrets. They left this earth truly loved.
Start loving yourself a bit. That is what I am aiming to do. X
So sad to hear of your awful torments Absent. How wonderful you were able to nurse your husband and father-in-law too. Be proud of yourself. I never thought I would be witness to such suffering and mortified that I could do so little to help my husband.