I lost my dear dad over 7 months ago now and I feel like I am broken. He was my everything, he raised me on his own and was always there for me, protecting and providing for me throughout his life. He had been diagnosed with prostrate cancer which devastated me but dad took it in his stride, never really showing his emotions about it. I lost him suddenly after he suffered a bad fall down his stairs. I remember the phone call from the hospital telling me he had passed away unexpectedly, my world totally collapsed that day. I had to take 6 months off work because I mentally shut down, I don’t remember a great deal during that time. I feel like I’m stuck, everything stresses me out, I had to sell the family home because I couldn’t afford the repairs it needed, and feel devastated by this as I feel I let dad down by not keeping it, but it broke my heart every time I went into the house, I suffered flashbacks of seeing my dad crumpled at the bottom of the stairs with his face covered in blood where he had hit his head. I can’t get that image out of my head. I feel I am just existing not living, although back at work I am struggling, nothing seems to matter, I have no motivation and my mind is just empty, I don’t know how to move on
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my Mum suddenly 10 weeks ago. I cared for her, we always lived together and her main issues were mobility related and chronic pain. She had an unexpected cardiac arrest, I was with her but despite cpr and the quick response of community responders and paramedics it was the type there was no coming back from. She was only 70
Like you and your dad, she was my everything. We were best friends, travelling companions- always just the two of us against the world
I feel incredibly lost and scared.
It’s incredibly hard not to think of the death and loss. I try to hold on to the fact you only grieve this much if you loved that much. I have a notebook where I just keep putting memories in that randomly pop in my head like she loved carousel horses 
or the time she was mistaken for a member of the aristocracy in Harrods. I don’t sit and force the memories - just let them float in.
The lack of motivation I have really struggled with this week. I am sleeping a lot. Some of the time because I am exhausted but others I know it is because I don’t want to be awake.
Have you had any bereavement counselling etc?
Hope you have a peaceful night and hope to chat again
Best, Beki
Hia beki, I am so very sorry for your recent loss of your mum, it’s very hard to try and come to terms with the loss, it almost feels like you can’t quite breath, the world continues on but you feel like you are just an observer, going through the motions, feeling either numb or so detached from it all that even getting up in the morning is a hard feat to do. My heart goes out to you, to lose someone so loved suddenly is hard to deal with let alone come to terms with. My mum died 8 years ago this june, and I miss her everyday but my dad was my hero, and his loss has torn me apart, I don’t feel like me anymore. I haven’t had counselling, but I did counselling as part of my degree so am using aspects of mindfulness and writing down my thought, emotions, feelings etc into my grief journal, it does help a little. For you my dear your loss is incredibly raw at the moment and painful, you clearly adored your mother and what a wonderful relationship you had together. Keep putting good memories in your journal they do help with the healing process. I have a silver heart urn ornament that contains some of dads ashes, every morning I say hello and good night when I go to bed, having even a grain of my dad in my home does give me comfort. I have also done a memory garden for him and my mum, putting two beautiful acer trees into pots as a memory to them, I see them every time I look out at my kitchen window, it being a great comfort to me. You need to take a day at a time, and days when you are not feeling ok then sometimes sleeping it off or doing something to distract you may help, be kind to yourself, allow for the good and bad days, take it one step at a time. Here for you if you need to talk more
Thanks @Traceyangel42. today was a total moping day (ten weeks since mum died) and I just lied on her bed in the afternoon
But woke to find my neighbour has cleared a huge amount of my garden which had gotten so overgrown the last few years. Always tend to feel a bit better as the day wears on but what a jumble of feelings this all is. I am torn between wanting to be a pillar of strength but the reality is I am a jelly!
Hope you are okay 
Best,Beki
Awh beki I so feel for you, do the things that bring you comfort, this is important, smile at the photos, laugh at the videos, read the cards with so much love, these are the things that are helping me to deal with day to day life. All your feelings and emotions will run into each other. It’s the love they felt for you, and which you feel for them will be your centre of strength and courage to face each new day. My dad is always with me and I know he is watching over and sending little signs, it’s my comfort blanket really. I’m only now starting to accept he is gone and never coming back, for you it is such early days in your grief, let people help you and support you, they can help you the most in your darkest hour. Sending love and chat to me whenever you need to