My Marmie passed 26/11/22 @ 11.31am, the doctor called me and asked if I was sitting down, then broke that she had passed in hospital alone, as the oldest child It was my responsibility to call everyone including my papa, to hear his reaction and being 200+ miles away, well, I could of died, she was a hard mother, but also my best friend, she was angry towards the end, tried to take her own life 3x, twice I witnessed, she had so much pain but also a matriarch, all knowing, you couldn’t argue with her, a walking talking encyclopaedia who knew everything.
My papa, who had terminal cancer was a rock he gave the best advice and cuddles, I looked after him right up to the moment I couldn’t, he went to our lovely hospice, he was so angry with me, we had already discussed he wanted to stay home when he died, but he was in so much pain, but with me calling nurses in the middle of the night became exhausting, he died in my arms 09/06/23 @ 17.56pm
Being an orphan, that’s how I feel, is utterly life shattering, I miss them both so much, I miss papa, I’d email him at 2 am if I couldn’t sleep, which was a lot, he’d always be online, typing the, there there, the conflicting feelings of not being with Marmie and being there for papa hurts like hell, I feel overwhelmed and a little obsessed with death, dying, my mortality, I think about it all the time, am I weird? Is this just grief? I feel like both are sat on my shoulders, weighing me down, how do you let go? How do you move forward? How do you stop being scared? I re watch old videos, the laughing, Xmas games, birthday celebrations then I just cry, is it guilt or just missing them so so much, I feel guilty for wanting it to stop, the pain, but I also feel guilty for wanting an end.
Sorry for the waffle, maybe I just needed to say it out loud…
Thank you for letting me share my experience and grief.
To all, the only people that can comprehend how you feel is the ones that are feeling it right now. X
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@MidnightStorm I’m so sorry for your loss. This community is her for you. My beautiful dad died yesterday. I’m so lost and scared. Just trying to survive minute by minute. Sending love. Rob x
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Grief is different for us all but the pain and loss is the same. Here if you need to chat.
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Oh Rob, my heart aches for you, so raw, so fresh, pm me if you can x
Hi Jay, thank you for your kind words, so appreciated x
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