When we found out we were pregnant again I was unbelievable happy, and my little boy was 7 and we had tried for 5 years to get pregnant again, we were overjoyed when we seen the positive result. 12 week scan was perfect, 20week scan was not, our lil girl was diagnosed with a fatal fetal abornormailty, after more scans and tests and struggles and tears, we came to the heartbreaking decision to end my pregnancy, Heidi was born weighing 500g and a lived for 6 mins, she was beautiful, she was mine, she was loved. The regret I feel is unthinkable, I feel like I can’t speak to anyone because of the shame I feel, all I can think is… I killed my baby girl… I hate myself
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Hi Heidi, you did not kill your little girl, you made the best possible decision for her and your family, you have to be guided by the experts, which you were, my heart goes out to you, it must have been a horrendous decision to make, and you must be going through hell, I think you could benefit from some counselling to help you to accept the decision that you and your family made, sending lots of love and hugs, Jude xx
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Thank you jude for your kind words x counselling has been mentioned to me, but I think I’m just afraid to tell my story to someone face to face, but I know I need to as I need to be strong for my lil boy, he still needs me. Again thank you for your reply x it has helped x
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Don’t be so hard on yourself. Everyone I’ve spoken to feels guilt, hate all the emotions in one way or another it’s all part of the grieving process we all have to work through it. Easier said than done. With myself I couldn’t cope watching my daughter and mother who died through cancer six months apart. I still hate myself for not visiting more often despite not being allowed as I was in hospital with sepsis . The decision you made was the right one, you may not see it now but deep down and through time you will see you did what you had to do. You got six minutes with her that you probably wouldn’t have had with any other options. Stay strong and learn to love yourself and more importantly let yourself be loved. I’m still struggling, but we will get there there are no rules or steadfast ways to get there. Love to you and all your family xx
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I can’t understand how you are feeling, because I haven’t been through that experience. It is horrific to have the joy of a new pregnancy shattered by the realisation that the baby could not survive.
But it wasn’t your fault. It was nature, fate, a dreadful accident. Despite all the technology we have, sophisticated medicine, it sometimes happens.
My heart goes out to you. At the moment it sounds that you are feeling raw, shattered emotionally by what you’ve just gone through. I hope that in time you will be able to voice your feelings and listen to someone who will reassure you that there is nothing else that can be done. Your husband is probably feeling the same, maybe in a different way.
What Stephen Hawking said is so true. ‘It helps to keep talking.’ Grief is overwhelming, in the first months after my husband died I couldn’t really talk rationally about my feelings. I felt like my mind had turned into a whirlpool.
What has just happened to you has happened to others. There are groups and counsellors that you can find at the hospital where Heidi was born. In time, I hope you’ll be able to talk to them to celebrate Heidi’s very short life and also to understand that what happened to her was a very cruel twist of fate that was not of your making.
Christie xxx
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