Hi, I have been a part of this online community since last year having lost my partner of 8 years in May 2025.
I am putting this out there in the hope I might be able to get some guidance from parents. Please remove if this is not allowed and I’m sorry it’s long x
My partner was a 30 year old man and he died while we were overseas on a holiday.
He suffered with mental health issues for much of his life, he had undiagnosed learning issues, a brain cyst that he struggled with, even though it was not life limiting at all, and he grew up in a difficult environment with addiction issues (alcohol) present in the home, as well as lots of materialistic issues from bankruptcy and basically “drama” from all that. His teenage years were really not good, and we talked about it often. He tried professional talking therapies over our years together, but he’d get to a point and then stop because it was all too painful.
There was much initial shock, trauma and questions following his death. I found him, called for help, kept him breathing until that help arrived, but sadly he died.
We returned to the UK and a Postmortem was done. We did not do one overseas as both his parents (and I at the time) said they didn’t want this. They felt they just wanted him home quickly, and due mostly to his mums (then) ill health I went along with almost everything they wanted over the coming months.
The UK postmortem showed historical damage to his heart which the coroner categorised as “lifestyle choice” based damage. This is because he took drugs from a young age (12/13) was a heavy drinker (and smoker before we meet) was overweight, and the hospital he was admitted to overseas found 3 separate substances in a urine test they did.
A toxicology report could not be completed here due to the level of embalming required to return a body to the uk so we don’t know amounts of anything in his system.
Because of all this there will always be questions and to protect everyone the coroner had to I suggest heart tests for close family. It’s their duty but I (and he having spoken to him) believe completely unnecessary.
My initial belief was that he had taken some of the drugs knowingly, but may well have been unaware of one substance we think was in a drink he brought.
However. Things never felt right and after my return to the uk I found a letter tucked into the book I had been reading from him as well as some of the type of drug found in his system hidden in our home. I have never taken drugs and had always struggling with these things being in our lives at all!
The letter does not read well, and while it is not specific to a method, it is clearly a goodbye, mentioning how he feels, what life was like, thanking me, and telling me he will always be with me.
That along with early payment of our bills, a poem found on my phone, the events of our last day together (he wanted to give me “the best day” he said for the last one of our holiday), his words, and the fact I now know from his medical records of more serious historical drug issues, and attempts to take his own life in the past, I believe his death was not accidental.
It’s an awful realisation. I am getting help.
What I am struggling with is this.
I am carrying this alone, and his parents do not know the whole story.
My relationship with them has almost broken down as I can’t be around listening to the narrative they have created in their heads and as people, we are not alike in values etc.
I struggling with his brothers and sisters now too partly because of how I feel about their parents (not that they don’t agree!) who I feel let down him and his brother badly. His younger brother has had issues with substances since childhood too. I love them dearly however as did their brother and hope to continue to speak etc.
His parents are telling people he had a “heart condition”, they lied to the vicar conducting his funeral, to their friends, and they want their remaining children to take heart tests that they don’t want.
I went along with it all at first, and agreed to what they said they needed events and resting place wise.
Now his parents rarely speak to me which was incredibly hurtful over Christmas as I (the only executor/named NOK in his will) gave a gaming machine to a friend of his who in turn made a donation to his nominated charity. They feel this should have gone back to them, as they gave it to him (second hand) as a birthday gift. Frankly it’s unbelievable since his brother tells me the siblings don’t care, none of them are gamers, and I feel it was just something to create an issue with me over. I’m very sure my partner would have been ok with my choice to rehome the machine.
I feel much of this is because they just don’t understand what actually happened.
I know his mum especially is struggling day to day (as am I) but I at least know the truth, and can try to move forward with acceptance, honestly and love. How do you do that without?
My question is - Do I tell her/them what I have?
I’m not a mum to a child I raised in life. I had a still birth many years ago, but feel I would want to know everything if I was in this position so I could know what happened to my child. Indeed I pushed at the time I list my little girl for answers. I never got them but at least I tired.
How do you heal without that and what if one day she pushes more with questions when I need to be moving on?
Any advice would be so gratefully received as I’m lost…,
I just want the truth told about my amazing partner, with none of the lies he hates, as while you may be reading this with preconceptions of a man who took drugs at certain points in his life, he was the kindest, loving man I’ve ever meet.
He was worth so much more than the addictions he suffered with and the start in life he had and I loved him dearly.
Thank you all xxx
