My father in law, passed a way, he’s not my really father in law, all though I veined him that way o feel a bit of an imposter, to be honest it’s the first time I have actually watched someone die, I held his hand and if I’m honest it’s broken me a little, it’s an odd feeling because My partner, his mum and brother are obviously grieving understandably, and I’m trying to support them, but I need support too, and I feel like such a selfish cow for needing that support, I don’t know how to feel or how I should get support, it’s so hard at the moment
Hi,
I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.
My mum, who lived with my partner and I, died suddenly of a brain hemorrhage in june.
Although I am the one ‘obviously’ grieving and seeking support, my partner has had a terrible time. He was very close to my mum and thet used to sit and chat together all the time especially when he used to get home from work late and she was still up.
He ended up on a drip for 2 days when she died where he suffered trauma due to the shock and he often goes quiet at home when he admits he is missing her.
I cant really help him because I’m still so badly affected and I’m the one that ‘needs’ his support, but I do recognise that he is grieving as well.
Be kind to yourself and accept that you are deserving of support as well.
Do you have friends or family that you can speak to?
Cheryl x
Thank you for your reply, I’m sorry for your loss,
It’s little things like I was missed off the eulogy, I was great friends with him, we would sit and laugh together while my partner and his mum were busy in the kitchen.
It’s so hard Cheryl, when he was dying I held his hand as he slipped away, no one else was doing that, mum, my partner and his brother were understandably in some little bubble, my thoughts were if I was dying I would want someone holding my hand, so I stepped up and did it, it was the hardest thing I have ever done…
Afterwards I was met with comments such as, I can’t believe you are as upset as you are- which frankly I find insulting,
I knew him for 3 years, but he welcomed me to the family straight away and made me feel part of it.
Hi. There. What you experienced was a very traumatic event. It’s bound to have an effect on you. You are a human being with feelings and you sound a sensitive person. It took great courage to do what you did. I can understand the family being ‘out of it’ at this time. But you jumped in and did what was right.
Take no notice of comments from those who do not understand. You could say the same to anyone who has witnessed death, but such remarks are so unnecessary and uncaring. You are not a close relative, but why should that make any difference to how you feel for a friend. Let your emotions come. Never be ashamed or feel you shouldn’t feel like it. It’s a perfectly natural process. We are emotional beings and it should never be denied.
It was the hardest thing you are ever likely to do. You have empathy, something that is not always apparent.
Cheryl is so right. You do need support and just as much as close relatives. Be kind to yourself as well as others.
Take care. Blessings. John.
I know. It is really so hard.
You know you did a great thing and you can get happy with what you did even if it isnt recognised among other people. People come out with the most ridiculous, insensitive stuff.
Recently my sister said to me, when I was upset ‘argh with really depended on mum didnt you?’
I said 'no I didnt! I just loved having her here and we loved her being part of our every day life’s
People dont get it. My sister doing pop round to mums for a weekly coffee and chat, but we have lost our best friend, our flatmate.
You have to ignore the things people say and just be content that you were there for your father in law when he needed you x
My sister doesn’t not my sister doing