Help not overwhelming friends

Hi all, 1st post here.

So I thought I was doing ok, I lost my beautiful wife suddenly 12 weeks ago. We have been married 6 years and knew from the moment that we met that we wanted to spend our lives together. Despite me only being 26 when we met we knew we couldn’t have children and so built our entire lives around each other. Us against the world we always said. Don’t get me wrong life wasn’t perfect but we love each other more than anything and that was all that mattered.

I’m starting to think I’ve spent the last 12 weeks in shock as things are just getting worse. I coped at the beginning, I was instantly heartbroken, but I was able to keep functioning, sort out all the arrangements with the help and support of my amazing mother and father in law. I’ve been able to keep working although this is getting more difficult. Spend time with my family and hers do those things that you need and want to do.

I’ve talked to friends but how can I try and get across to them that this pain is getting worse every single day. They ask if I’m ok and I just say yes because I don’t think they want to here me say that I am absolutely broken and that I’m getting more broken each time not less. I know that if this trend continues I will really need some support from my friends latter down the line so how do I talk about it now but then not burn them out so to speak so that I know they are there when I need them?

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Dear @Valtra.N.175

Welcome to the Community, I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your wife.

Sometimes it is easier to say we are ‘ok’ rather then burden our friends to how we really feel. I would be honest with your friends and tell them how you actually feel. You could invite them around for dinner and tell them what is is like to be bereaved, how you are feeling and that you do need them for not only for their friendship but also for support now and further down the line. How can they can support you if they do not know how you really are feeling. Its ok not to be ok.

Unless friends have experienced the loss of a loved one, it is also difficult for them to understand and comprehend the scale of pain, emotions and loneliness that goes with bereavement. They may also have a fear of upsetting you if they talk about it too much which is what you need to do right now.

Arrange that dinner and keep us updated. You are not alone, please continue to reach out here any time.

Take care.


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@Valtra.N.175 I am sorry for your loss and feel you pain completely. My wife and best friend died in February after a very short illness, we’d been married 20 years this August and she was my everything. We did everything together. It’s so hard and as much as friends and family are all amazing they can’t understand.

I used to say I was ‘ok’ all the time but now I am honest with everyone and say, I’m not ok, I’m struggling and explain why, whilst this can be uncomfortable sometimes, it does help. I have just watched a video that was posted on this site by an American lady called Natasha Josefowitz well worth a watch.

Keep strong my friend

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Rusty your words ring so true, my family and friends have been amazing supported so much but as you say they can’t understand. At the end of the day ( my wife hated that saying) they are not going home to an empty house like I am.

I probably do need to share more even when it is difficult. Despite being tremendously upset on my own I find It very difficult to express that loss with anyone, without a conscious choice I do the whole ok thing.

Just looked up the video, will give that a watch after work tomorrow.

Thank you for replying and look after yourself especially this month

Burden is the perfect word, I do not want to become a burden to them. Maybe it is the time to try and share some of this pain with them. Sadly and at the same time happily I have nobody around me that has really suffered a loss like this which makes it hard to relate but i am glad that they have never experienced anything close to this.

Thank you for that little push to really tell my friend show I feel. Hopefully i will get there.

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