Since ‘it’ happened my son has been a star. He ferried me to the hospital every day for three weeks. He looked after his disabled sister. He stayed overnight to give me some much-needed sleep. He took me to the dentist because I was unfit to drive. My husband was not his father. His father was my first husband who died 20 years ago.
He has continued to support both me and his sister throughout. Tonight he said that he feels unable to continue to do the fortnightly stop -overs as her early-morning screaming means he is unable to work the next day, he is self-employed. He also looks after her one evening a week for a couple of hours while I go to a Tai Chi class, and that was this evening. When I came home he was obviously stressed as she had been a bit of a nightmare, behaviour-wise. He gets paid for the hours he spends caring for her, although he is always reluctant to take the money.
I don’t know what happened really. Maybe I was of - hand with him when he said she had been difficult. But I said that if it was too much trouble to look after her then that was fine. He said, ‘okay, I will go’. I said ‘fine’, and he slammed out. I texted him, I phoned him to put things right. No reply.
Now I feel so upset. He has been my saviour. On the one hand I know that caring for us has resulted in him missing out on a social life to some extent. On the other hand me and my second husband have supported him financially for several years until he got on his feet. I love him dearly and would not have managed without his support for the last 3 months.
I feel devastated that my main support seems to have evaporated.
Am I leaning on him too much? That’s how it feels. He is single and self-employed.
I don’t know how to handle this.
@Willow112 I think you need much more support from other corners. I’ve been reading your posts over the weeks and it seems clear that you are overloading. I realise that you are a strong, independent and capable person, but we all have limits and it may be time to take a step back and demand some more help. At times we think that we can do it all, and you can be massively applauded for the way you have managed so far, but please reach out further.
Sorry if I’m stepping out of line, just concerned for your own well-being. 
You are not stepping out of line at all. I just don’t know how to handle this, and I value other opinions.
Thank you for replying. I know my son loves his little sister very much, and his reaction this evening was shocking and not like him at all. I just feel confused at his attitude. I can’t help feeling that he doesn’t quite get how devastated I am. Perhaps I am being self-centred and assuming too much. Xx
I had more support at first but it got too much for my son and he struggles because he has his own family and work so it is very hard. I feel depressed at the moment trying to cope. I can see both sides really. My mother was very helpless when my father died thirty years ago and I was caring for my own family trying to work and coping with her as well. It got too much for me too. My husband of course was alive then. Life is tough.
Hi Willow
My daughter and I had a bit of an altercation and didn’t contact each other for a couple of days,both our nerves were jangling me because my wife had gone and my dog was very ill,her because she had lost her mum and best friend and having a demanding job,finally we saw sense had a hug and cry together and made a plan which works,
Could you get him a set of noise cancelling ear buds for the nights he sleeps over,and maybe get a professional in a couple of times for your Tai Chai nights,just a thought,
Hope it helps Ron.
Thank you for your replies, I just can’t think clearly.
I sent him my usual thumbs-up text this morning and got one back.
We have done this since my husband died, just so that he knows that I am up and looking after my daughter. Having lost two husbands to cardiac arrests I worry the same might happen to me, leaving my daughter alone until someone noticed our absence. I realise this seems paranoid, but I read about exactly this happening to someone locally.
Maybe it’s best to give him a day or two and then have a chat about it, including whether to seek help. Sounds pathetic, but he is the only bright spot in my life right now. We have never fallen out and I am really upset. My daughter is usually another shiny thing, but she is being very difficult.
Thanks again. Xx
When a family member dies it affects everyone, family dynamics change, in one way or another, as we all had our own special relationship with that person. We all deal and cope with grief differently too. It could be your son is overwhelmed too with his new found sense of responsibility to his mum and sister as he realises how much more you now need him and is feeling that pressure.
Time maybe to sit down and have a talk about everything and how to move forward and to look at extra support in place to give you all some help
Thank you everyone. I thought about what you said and sent a text saying I understood that I was leaning on him too much and that I understand. He texted back straightaway saying that I do not lean on him, and that he only left because I seemed to be in a mood.
It seems that the storm is over. Perhaps I was in a mood, I don’t know myself anymore, but I do know that I am over-sensitive at the best of times, and this is the worst of times.
I will wait for the dust to settle and have a chat about things.
I am sorry to be so needy at the moment because I know that everyone here is suffering. I haven’t got anyone else to bounce this off, except my son, and he is the one I am anxious about.
Thanks again. I really do appreciate your help.
Love you all loads, don’t know what I would do without this site. Xx
@Willow112 You aren’t needy, we’re all here for each other. Wish we weren’t all so spread out, then we could step in.
He sounds like a very good son & without even realising it we do lean on our loved ones, maybe it’s better that you get help elsewhere for an overnight visit & your son could just do the couple of hours evening visit, hopefully that way everyone can be kept happy
Please try to remember he is grieving too. He wants to be a support to you but may also feel angry that you have all been left in this position. My 2 adult sons still live at home, shared with their stepdad and me. Since Andy passed 5 weeks ago, my eldest son is finding the situation very difficult and I’m sure we will clash in the near future as we are both so angry at everything! I am learning that we all deal with grief in our own unique and painful way, and need to be kind and gentle with ourselves as well as each other xx
He phoned me tonight to check I was ok. I apologised, he said ‘no worries’. I explained that I am not myself just yet. He said not to worry about it. I said that I don’t want to lean on him too much,He said that I do not. He obviously doesn’t want to talk about it. And that’s okay with me. I just don’t want to alienate him. He has been my main support throughout and has really gone the extra mile.
I have told him that we are fine, he doesn’t have to worry about us, that he is not responsible for us and that he should enjoy his weekend away.
We have never discussed it, I think sons are different to daughters in not sharing personal relationship details, but he has had two relationships that I thought were forever, both ended. I suspect that it was because he spends a lot of his spare time looking after his sister. He doesn’t live with us, he has his own house half a mile away. The first girl was a party person, the second wanted to travel the world. I liked them both very much. He never said why the relationships ended, but I suspect looking after his sister played a part.
We have made our peace and I have done my best to reassure him that I will be okay.
Sorry, this is hardly a bereavement issue, I just needed to unload. Xx
hi i think your son does know how devastated you are and as you have said he has been a great help to you over the last few months but maybe he is also devastated and needs some time out just for him give him a few days and i am sure he will talk to you this process is hard on everybody concerned hoping this will get sorted when you see him just talk to him and ask what is going on and hopefully he will open up to you
My son phoned today and invited me out for lunch and a shopping trip. He was just as kind and supportive as he was before our ‘words’ at the beginning of the week. We talked about the problems with his sister and he agreed with the suggestions I put to the day centre about meeting with the Consultant. I also tried to explain how I feel right now, that I am struggling with being alone, and generally not feeling like myself. He listened and took it on board.
I feel so much better for having cleared the air.
Thank you everyone. Xx
So glad to read this. Xx