I am looking to help my mother in law cope with losing her husband. He was diagnosed with lung cancer and died within a year at a hospice. However this was April 2020 and due to the pandemic he was at home for longer than before the pandemic, and she was caring for him. He was bed bound and declining fast so I stayed with her to help. In the short time we cared for him together we bonded. She had always made out how he annoyed her and their marriage didn’t seem very loving. But in reality they were tender together and I got to see this and I felt privileged to be there. Since he passed she has not been very happy, it’s as if she feels she has no reason to get up and do anything. I want to help her but don’t know how. Her daughter lives nearby and is there for practical help but she is really bossy and always critical of her mum. I live about 90 minutes drive away and I work full time. So I have not been there. My husband and I are going to see her tomorrow. I am trying to find ways to help her, I am going to try talking to her just me and promise to not disclose anything she says. It’s as if she is a bit lost and needs some kindness and support. Instead I think she is being nagged to eat properly and look after her home etc but she is feeling like she has no purpose and everything is a struggle. The doctor has her on anti-depressants.
Sorry for the essay! I am just trying to find the best way to help her, I think I want to be her advocate and let her know that I have no agenda beyond helping her?
Sorry I was reading some of the posts and I really should have done that first. I am so sorry to hear that people are suffering with losing a spouse. It must be such a hard thing after a lifetime together. I really want to know what you would appreciate from well meaning relatives and friends? How can we best help support you?
And what things are done that are not helpful?! I can imagine that there’s people who are well meaning but are not helpful and possibly cause harm?
just be there. don’t offer advice. just listen. nod your head. offer hugs and such. listening is the most important thing. I imagine you will feel pretty helpless but all we need is someone to listen to how we are feeling without advice being given and without judgement.
Thanks for the reply! It’s helpful because I was thinking to suggest volunteer work and bingo etc.
But she has heard all that before and been dismissive. And I can remember times when people were trying to help me with their advice and I found myself pretending to be wowed by it and how helpful they were when in truth I just wanted them to go away. And I remember plenty of times when I just wanted to be listened to but was cut off with what they wanted to say and it seemed like everything was to be about them!!!
I don’t think there’s anyway anybody could help me, no matter what they say, do or suggest it doesn’t help. (6 months nearly). All I can suggest is just make sure she knows you’re there for her and when she talks just listen.
If someone tries to encourage me to talk about it I shut them down but with the right people I talk about it of my own back.
It’s hard to understand unless it’s happened to you I think.
And questions like is there anything I can do or anything you want are the worst cos you can’t give them what they want and need x
You can always let her know there’s volunteering and bingo etc options if or when she’s ready and when she is you can help her with them.