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Losing a partner
21

You do it hour by hour, day by day, step by step. It doesn’t happen overnight, it doesn’t happen quickly, it is a slow process that happens because time moves on and you adapt. Gradually, the anxiety will fade. It is still early for you, so don’t concern yourself over “will this ever be better?” because it will. Just not yet.

Meanwhile, eat, sleep, talk to friends and family and treat yourself with patience and kindness. I promise this phase will pass and the loss will become bearable.

I am living proof. I didn’t think my brain would ever connect and be normal again, but it is happening, I am functioning as normal as can be and have learned to live with the loss. You will too, but not without going through all the pain.

I am sorry you find yourself a member of this club that we don’t ask to join and from which we can never resign.

Love,
Peaches

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22

Thank you for your kind advice. I will try to do some of these things. I can’t afford a car so am pretty isolated at times, my partner used to drive us around, I won’t be able to keep his car on my wages and bills unfortunately. I rely on my son or friends at the moment. I don’t go out alone, feel too panicky. I am finding reading posts on here are helping me though, thank you.

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23

You offer amazing insights and hope. Thank you

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24

Peaches

Thank you for your kind message a lot of what you said has made me feel better now and I will be trying some of what you suggested

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25

Thank you. The days are so long. The horrible sick feeling in the pit of my stomach doesn’t seem to fade. I try talking to friends and family and it does help. But the evening time is so so lonely :pleading_face:. I feel exhausted but can’t sleep for long at the moment. Thank you for helping me to realise what I’m feeling is normal and is grief, it’s just so hard right now. I miss my love so much. Sending my best to you, I hope your day is going ok.

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26

One of the most difficult issues I faced when my husband died last June was the feeling I was losing my mind. Grief groups and counseling have helped me understand that what was happening was normal. I also found this book to be very helpful: Bought Understanding Your Grief: Ten Essential Touchstones for Finding Hope and Healing Your Heart by Alan Wolfelt

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27

Thank you, I will try these things. I am a bit isolated where I live and have no transport so I’m relying on friends and family at the moment for support and getting out. This site helps me too though. I will look at the book you suggested too. Thank you so much. I do feel like I’m going mad at times, the loneliness is painful, so heartbroken. Send my best wishes to you.

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28

Peaches i have just read your post and want to thank uou so much. Everything you have said rings true with me ,the brain gog forgetfulness the locking yourself in, I did this over Christmas and new year just stayed alone . I would have been awful company. I also wander around the house without purpose misplace everything and struggle. Food also I couldn’t eat for the first week and slowly made myself eat a few crackers and cheese or fruit. All your advise is so good. It’s a hard horrible place to be and I wish us all a happier existence someday. We are where none would ever choose. Thank you so much .

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29

So very sorry for your loss ,I wish you all the strength and support are hoing to need. Life has given you a terrible unthinkable blow as it does to so many of us. Take care of yourself and just take one day at a time. Im told we never syop grieving or loving and missing our loved one but we do slowly learn at accept and live around the grief. I hope that’s true . Sending love and hope.

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30

I feel the same, Norma. Today, my grief seems to come in layers….and I can’t look at his photos anymore. Sometimes I think I’ve imagined everything. How can I let go?

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31

Bonnie, I know that feeling. Was it all just a dream? Was I really married for 25 years? Did my husband really die? Did I really live that life?

Was it yesterday or 20 years ago?

It is all so surreal that it is hard to wrap one’s head around this new reality.

It’s okay, it is normal. I still feel it sometimes.

Last week I cleared out my husband’s closet and took all of his clothes to the men’s mission. I thought I was ready and it didn’t affect me until the next 2 days. I couldn’t get off of the sofa to save myself. It had to be done, I was no longer sentimental about his clothes, but still it hit the subconscious and knocked me down. The thought that he will never wear these things again just pains me.

But, some other unfortunate soul will be able to have some new, beautiful things to wear and hopefully will lift their spirit.

Love from the US,
Peaches

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32

Hi Peaches.

Your post has helped me this morning.

It’s 6 months since my partner of 28 years died and I haven’t done anything with most of his clothes or belongings.

I’m having a new electricity meter fitted this afternoon and have had to clear my under stairs cupboard which has coats, jackets and shoes just where he left them.

I’ve taken everything out and made a pile for the charity shop and put aside some things that our sons may want. The items that were his constant go-tos, that still smell of him and I can still see him in, I’ve taken upstairs to his wardrobe.

It feels like I’ve climbed Everest and been in boxing fight at the top. I haven’t cried. I feel numb and hollow. I’m conscious the electrician will be arriving shortly so I have to keep myself together.

Yesterday I had a good day and felt I was making progress. It’s so hard and I guess, after reading your post, there will always be days and tasks that take you right back again.

How are you doing today? X

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33

Day by Day … please stay strong! 7 years in, after loss of husband. Still everyday is a challenge. But keeping busy helps me and being kind to myself!

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34

Thank you. Getting the mix of keeping busy whilst also taking time out to be kind for yourself is key. Often, I don’t know what I want or need. It’s so hard to really listen to yourself, especially when your life has turned upside down.

Sending hugs x

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35

Plop, I am well, thank you for asking.

I emptied my husband’s closet and then spent 2 days on the sofa with not enough energy to swat a fly. This journey is exhausting both physically and mentally even after 17 months. But, I just lean into the exhaustion and let myself recover. I sure didn’t know it would trigger me. The day I delivered it all to the charity shop, I was fine. The next 2 days, not so much. Not sad, just empty. Empty is normal.

I truly believe that purging my house (I call it my house now rather then our house) helped me to feel in control of my environment. It calmed me to get rid of excess and clutter and old things for which I have no use.

I won’t be having big dinner parties anymore. I don’t need to save things I have collected from deceased friends and family just because it belonged to them. We had no children, so awards and certificates are meaningless to my family who will be the ones to clear out my house some day. I am saving them the task of it all, eliminating the things that are here for no real reason.

I started with the Rule of Five, doing 5 kitchen drawers. Then, five things to toss a day, then 5 to give away. I made few mistakes along the way but nothing that will keep me up at night.

Since my husband died I’ve had the exterior of the house painted, a new bathroom installed, new gardens planted, finished the succession, transferred accounts, vehicles and properties into my name, sent my dogs to be trained by a professional, paid my taxes, bills and insurance on time, maintained the cars, hired a shredder truck to get rid of all the paperwork my husband saved, gave away and threw away things. Tomorrow, my cousin will come to collect the animal mounts that my husband got on our trips to Africa and Canada, gave away a sofa, a dog kennel, fishing poles, fishing gear, guitars, bear skin rugs, an iron day bed of the art deco fashion, 3 upholstered chairs, 2 file cabinets, one office chair, lamps, food storage containers, dishes, glass ware, stainless dinner ware, bottles of liquor, art work, - all thing none of my nephews or nieces wanted. BTW, the kids want none of your stuff, if they do - tell them to take it now - a truck load of my clothes, an electric wheelchair, stereo speakers, luggage, antique chairs and tables, chandeliers, you name it.

It is freeing. Try it.

Let the stuff go. It is all an extra burden on your shoulders and we have enough already.

That is my advice. Claim your new life by getting rid of the old, useless, unwanted stuff.

Love from the US,
Peaches

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36

Thank you for the advice Peaches.

I was always the one to enjoy a declutter and my partner liked to hold onto things. It feels wrong to be getting rid of his things at the moment. I have still have the thought that he will come home and need everything again (even though I know he won’t).

I have bought some new things, moved some things around and got rid of a few items in our home since he died and I often find myself imaging him saying, “that’s new, that’s changed”.

I can hear what you are saying about reclaiming the house as mine now and as I have to assume total responsibility, that makes sense as it is mine. However, I feel such a sense of sadness and finality in that and also a sense of betrayal.

Why do we feel so guilty when we do the things we have to do to move forward? I feel grateful that I have been able to just stop for a while and wait for my world to stop whirling but I don’t know how I will know when to start moving forward again?

Does anyone have any tips on knowing when it’s the right time to push yourself a little?

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37

Give yourself some breathing room and do it when it feels right to you. I know some people who got rid of their spouse’s items as soon as possible. One friend kept her husband’s shirts for a few years but found she had to immediately rearrange her living room.

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38

I gathered up most of Ray’s clothes whwn I was in the deep grief and fog a few weeks after he passed away, as I know he’d want me to do that. His best friend still had his Dad’s clothes 3 years later and he couldn’t get his head around it, said it was bonkers. So I knew he’d agree with me doing that. But I have kept a lot of his favourite clothes, the ones that I loved him wearing and I used to tell him how well ho looked in them. I can never part with those.

There’s so much more to do and I’m definitely not able for the other stuff yet, his musical instruments, I can’t even imagine how I’ll tackle them, as music was his whole life. A thought for another day. Even his car is still there, I can’t bear to get rid of it yet…

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39

You can’t just let go. You can only take small steps and work through a very long process. I don’t want to let go, I’ll always carry my beloved partner in my heart. We were together for 40 years and that cannot be replaced or diminished. I just hope that the anguish becomes more bearable with time.

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40

Plop, the mood to continue to purge, etc., will come. A push can be anything that you have dreaded but decide to do it anyway. Yes, we feel guilty to move forward, but it is the only direction in which to go. We can’t go back, we can’t just exist, we must move on, a step at a time. It isn’t betrayal, it is survival.

Peg2 of my friends emptied their husband’s closets immediately, I envied their bravery, but could not do it myself. I had my mother’s closet in mine for 4 years, so I was aware that it must be done or I would get stuck for years. As it is, it took 17 months. My husband told me what to do with his guitars and his friends came for them. Your husband’s music friends may want them or perhaps donate them to a school music department. I kept my husband’s car and transferred the title to me. Before it was in my name, it was still his. Now, it is mine. Crazy how that works.

Norma, it will get better. I promise. We will never let go of our loves, but we can let go of things. I will always wear my wedding ring as I will always be married in my heart and mind, but shirts and slacks? No, they had to leave. At some point, you won’t be attached to the things and will be able to let it all leave and go to a new home where it will be appreciated and enjoyed by someone else.

Yes, it takes a while and we all have to do it at our own pace. Starting is the hardest part, but once you decide to start, it gets easier and easier.

Love,

Peaches

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