Helping my partner - feeling guilt and shame

Coping with bereavement
1

Dear SR community,

I hope I am at the right place with my questions. Any honest input and tips would be greatly appreciated as I am struggling in my current situation and I am at my wits end.

Here a short overview:
My partner and I have not been together a year yet and he has been struggling his entire life with mental health issues. Unfortunately his dad -whom he was very very close with and considered his best friend and confidante- passed away unexpectedly in February due to health complications. My partner was right by his side when he passed away, which I believe has caused him severe PTSD.
As he promised his dad that as the eldest he would take care of the family, he has taken this role very seriously and has been looking after his mother and his brothers tirelessly. When his father was in hospital and after his father’s passing (I lived with my partner during this time as he asked me to) I tried to support my partner and his family as much as I could with doing house chores, sorting out admin work and everything else that would be of any help to them during this awful time.
Our relationship- which is still very fresh and new - has taken a step back which I obviously understand. I try to be as supportive as I can, but sometimes I feel like whatever I am doing is not good enough or not helping him. He has been struggling with issues in the past and he has severe anger issues which I believe have been amplified by his bereavement.
I have been trying to do a lot of research on the internet to see how to support your loved one and even purchased some books to understand the process, but I find myself exhausted at times and not fully appreciated.
I understand that he is going through extreme trauma and I am only trying to really understand how I can help and what/not to do.

Thank you so much for reading and I am looking forward to any tips or advice.

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3

Hi Sheilax,

thank you so much for your response. Well the brother is 22 years old and his gf is also living with my partner and his mother.
He tells me he has to keep it together for everyone as everyone relies on him- as this was the late father’s role too. I am trying to be as understanding as possible because I have not been through anything remotely similar but also I am trying to understand that people grieve in different ways.
My partner does not want to stay over at my flat either as he says atm he still finds more comfort in being in his parental home. I am really trying to be respectful but it is also hard to not have the closeness we had before.

5

Thank you for your reply Sheila.

I know what you are saying but it is very very difficult to take to my partner about this, as he is very adamant about it. He said he swore to his dad he will look after the family and his brother and his GF are trying to do some things for the mother but I think the emotional support is mainly coming from my partner.
I dont mean to sound selfish cos as already mentioned Ive never been through a situation like this hence I am trying to be understanding but I feel like our relationship has been put on the back burner and its been very difficult for me.

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Thank you so much for your kind words Sheila.

The funeral was in March and all the paperwork etc. has gone through, I do hope when everything settles down a bit it will become easier.

Thanks again
Cat x

9

Thank you Sheila, you are very kind.

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