I am hurting so bad my heart aches and I can’t stop crying, my grandad has terminal cancer and doesn’t want to find out how long he has but it’s not long at all. He is still at home thankfully and we are trying to make sure he stays there til the very end so he isn’t in hospital away from his own surroundings and family.
But he knows he is dying and I can’t get my head around how he must feel knowing his time is limited how scared he must be and he is in so much pain and so weak he is putting a brave face on and saying what he thinks we want to here but he told me he isn’t ready to go and he isn’t ready it isn’t his time and I am not ready to loose him.
When people have spoken about grief I have never understood it because I’ve never lost anyone I am this close to but I now know and I don’t want to know I don’t want to feel like this I want the pain to stop I am so scared for him and me.
He is very much a protector he believes he should be here to look after my nana she should go first so she isn’t left on her own he needs to make sure she is ok and because he can’t and knows he is going first he is determined to fight it so he can look after her I don’t know if he is in denial.
He told me how his brother didn’t want to die and wasn’t ready and how it haunts him he wants to go peacefully in his sleep and not know so this is awful because he isn’t going to go like this he is going not wanting to.
How can life be so cruel how can I have my grandad taken from me when he isn’t ready
I hate all the talk of think of the good times and he wouldn’t want you to be sad and all the stuff that comes along with it because it’s not what I want to hear I don’t find it comforting so I don’t know where to turn to get help or know what to do because I need someone to tell me what to do that will help and I know deep down there isn’t anything I know he’s going and I’ll never see or speak to him again in this life and I am not ready for that , I don’t even know what I expect by writing this but it’s nearly 1:30 in the morning and I can’t sleep because I’ve woke up crying again and no where to turn. I don’t want him to go
Hi feeling broken.
First of all I’m sorry it’s taken me 12 hours to find your post. It’s my first time here too and like me you probably sat on your phone in terror and pain wondering where the hell to get help. You find these wonderful sites and wonderful people only to see no reply or one reply and feel alone and desperate again.
I DO HEAR YOU. I’m so so sorry about your grandad. My grandparents were either horrible or useless and one regret in life is not having that special grandparent bond that so many people tell me about. I’m so sorry for you. My mum IS dying. No matter how I try to block it out or hide from it, it IS happening, it IS true I will have to carry on without her. BUT like you I look at her trying to be strong and desperately focusing on worrying about how we will cope but I dont know how she can wake every day knowing she is going to leave us behind. Most probably exactly how your grandad is feeling too.
They say make the most of every moment but when you feel like every moment is heartbreaking it’s hard.
Your grandad like my mum will be desperately worried about US not themselves. I’m not going to tell you that you will find strength and get through it because I dont believe that myself or cant at the moment.
It’s a journey weve never travelled ever before and it’s a journey like walking a thousand miles on broken glass and even that sounds easier than what we are going through right now. I’d walk over broken glass a million times instead of this.
So were new to this, I’ve seen you jumping up and waving your arms in distress and shouting for help and probably feeling like no one cared at all since you posted or spotted you. BUT I have. Let’s make this journey together and put some very thick socks and steel toe cap shoes on! We are going to need a good few pairs. If you dont feel like you have any I’ll find us both a pair!
Gill x
Hi Feeling-broken,
Your Grandad sounds like a loving Grandfather and a man loved very much🙂.
It is exceptionally hard when we’re about to loose someone we love, yes very, very hard.
We can spend as much time with them as possible and make them as comfortable as possible and staying connected.
Does your grandad have a favourite film you can watch together?
Perhaps play some games together?
Sadly the horrible, empty, hollow feeling is loss, it comes with a range of emotions that can be difficult to understand/decipher.
It’s being strong for your grandad, letting him know your Nan is going to be taken care of, that will be exceptionally important to him as you’re.x
When your feeling very low remember to take one day at a time, be kind to yourself and give yourself space to understand and digest what’s happening.
It isn’t going to be easy, it isn’t when we loose someone we love, the grieving process is just that it’s a process that we all go through so please keep on talking with your family and share how you feel, you can help one another, especially how you feel because you’ll all probably have a differing range of emotions at different times to one another and there’s an awful lot of emotions.
I hope your OK and keep talking.X
Lee lee
Hi Feeling Broken, I understand how you are feeling. My Dad is at end of life and just like your Grandad he’s not ready to go. It’s very hard to watch someone you love so much go through so much. I think it is also the feeling of being helpless as we can’t make them better. I can’t offer any advice as I’m struggling with this too. I just wanted to send you love and hope at this terrible time of suffering for you all.
Hello,
I am so sorry to hear about your granddad he sounds lovely. I just lost my grandmother from cancer in in-home hospice and seeing her last days was very challenging. She too did not want to go yet and also didn’t really know she was going to go. She didn’t speak very good English so it was hard translating to her what her outcome was going to be. Me and my family were lucky enough to surround her in her final moments. I walk away from that situation knowing she couldn’t have died a more graceful way than being doped up on morphine and surrounded by people who loved her so much. It was really hard to see her that way in her most vulnerable state, and I will never forgot how she was when she was actively dying. However I do get some relief knowing she is at peace after fighting cancer for so long and no longer in pain like she was in hospice. I hope you can feel this way too when the time comes.
Hold on to those memories, cherish them, and hopefully you will get to be reunited with them again. Stay healthy and take care