Her without me, First Birthday

This is her first birthday without me.
I was there when she breathed her first and I was there when she breathed her last.
I want to celebrate her coming into my world and making me the luckiest person on earth for 21 years but she has also made me the saddest person in the world because she’s no longer here.
What do I do? How do I mark her birthday? I’ve asked family to stay away because I can’t cope with their grief, I can’t cope with my own, the only way I get out of bed everyday is by somehow believing it didn’t happen and when people arrive with cards and flowers I have to accept that something bad did happen.
How will I get through this day?

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Hi @MoBe ,

Thank you so much for sharing this with the community :blue_heart: I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I just wanted to let you know that you have been heard and you are not alone.

Take good care,

Hi MoBe. A difficult day for you yesterday and another first for you with all the pain which goes with this journey of grief. I have done all the firsts and always find the days before are the most difficult. I am getting there, some days are much easier than others though and still only think about the day I am on.
I still write my daily journal which helps. I have got back into reading which is nice.
Are you still going out to the coffee shop.
Remember day be day and little steps. Take care xx

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You’re right, I think the day before was worse, I don’t know whether it was because people came, unexpected, the day before or if I’d cried myself out by the time the day arrived. I just felt incredibly empty and tired.

I’m hoping to rediscover books too, I picture myself in the garden with her in the summer, reading or pottering about.

I just don’t seem to have the energy or focus for anything right now, maybe that will change and maybe I’ll be able to start a journal soon but for now I’m going to keep taking your advice of living just in the day.

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Mine, it is exhausting when you have cried so much. I have got myself in such a state so many times. It has literally taken me months to even consider reading, but I’m so glad I’m back into reading. It’s just another little step when we are ready to do.
I still only do the day I am on as the overall picture would be too overwhelming for me.
I’m actually thinking of bringing my Mums, Dads, and sons ashes back into the house as I have them in beautiful pots in the garden. However, my thinking at the moment is if anything happened to me or my partner no one else would know where they were.
When I did this I was certain it was the right thing to do, it was partly my Dads idea for my Mum. However as life took the worse change ever I’m not sure if it’s what I want. I’m just rambling at the moment to see if it seems anything different in writing.
Take care, big hugs xx

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