I lost my oldest daughter tragically summer of 2019…i have an inquest to go through… i feel i am in standstill till i get a date to be able to grieve properly …sorry …i just can’t think what else to write
Welcome Helen. You are in a safe place to let your emotions go. No silly remarks or judgement or criticisms here. Everyone knows how you feel. My God don’t we just!! Until all is sorted out you may find it’s not possible to grieve properly. So much on your mind that it’s probably racing away with all that’s going on. When you come back, and I do hope you will, just let the emotions flow. Pent up emotions can play havoc with our minds and bodies. Your loss is great and nothing will ever be the same. As awful as that sounds it is a truth that has to be faced. But facing and accepting can go a long way in helping.
Please come back and talk to us. The folk on here are amazing. In spite of their own problems they are always willing to help. You are among friends, but not just friends but fellow sufferers… Take care of yourself.
I am so sorry that you are grieving the loss of your daughter, I hope that you gain some comfort from this fine group of people.
Thank you Jonathan & MaryL…very kind of you to reply & think of me…its truly hard at times to know what to say feel or do…i find i feel lot of different emotions do come over me… so terribly sad for any one of us who have lost someone …i don’t know if i will ever get answers i need or how my days ahead will be…but…i know i have to keep a focus & strength to cope…i used to work as a carer … so think that has helped at times…my prayers & thoughts go out to us all
very sorry for the loss of your daughter.
hopefully you will get the results of the inquest very soon
and be able get things sorted in your own mind
and do anything that makes coping a little easier.
most of us on here have an idea of the hurt your going through.
and some will reach out and give you a comforting word when you need it.
Thank you Jianye, for your kindness & replying…i hope so too with what you have put bout the inquest…it is hard to put into words at moment…but please know i truly appreciate your caring thoughts …you are in my prayers & thoughts as with all on here…thank you again
Hello again, Helen,
You are very welcome.
Hi Mary, bless you …hope your doing ok…it is most words i hear when i go out & around all who know me & my daughter x x
Words are symbols. ‘I love you’ is a feeling expressed in symbols. When we see words we conjure up thoughts. Now it depends on how the words are expressed. We can say ‘be happy’ and it depends on the tone of voice we use as to what effect it will have.
In writing on here we have no knowledge of a person’a body language or the tone of voice. But it is still incumbent upon us to take care in what we write. We can hurt people, perhaps unintentionally, by not thinking before we put our thoughts down in words.
Most of us on here have experienced the remarks and platitudes that come from often well meaning people, but that cause pain. Remarks like ‘Six months? you should be over it by now’. Yes, that was actually said.
It’s a plain fact that unless you have been through this trauma it’s best to say nothing.
Every word on this site has a depth of meaning that is not possible for a non sufferer to understand. It’s why it’s best to restrict oneself to those who know and do not just talk from theory. Many so called professionals will pat us on the head and say ‘it’s ok, you will feel better soon’. How the heck do they know that? Are their minds in the sort of turmoil most of us are in? I most cases the proverbial pinch of salt should be used.
Hi John & morning…hope you are well…i agree with all you have put…i hope i never upset or offend anyone… especially on here …it is true by writing it can be taken in different ways… … i used to write poetry had some published few years , i wrote one for my daughters out of blue in minutes, i remember had a comment made from someone …my poem was contradicted as i was writing bout me & my girls…but no harm came …was just one of those things. For years id not written due to health problems… not long after my daughter had passed…i wrote words down on bit paper & when i read my words… i got emotional for what id written to her from my heart …Blessings to you too John
Hi Helen. So what’swrong in writing poems about yourself or your family? Many have done it. One of my favorite poets is Robbie Burns. Although often in the Scots dialect he came over so strongly when he wrote about love.
Now why would you upset or offend anyone here?. There are guidelines about behaviour on the site, and if we stick to those excellent rules we won’t go wrong.
There is a thread here about poetry in grief and there have been some lovely heart rending poems there. Poetry seems to sum up feelings better than prose. Now take care. Be kind to yourself as well as others.
Hi John …yes i agree … rules is good thing …ooh is there a thread…i have look thank you for saying… you put bout poet Robbie Burns …i’m from highlands of Scotland …thank you John you too & take care also
Dear Helen, I am truly sorry for the loss of your daughter. I love poetry too. I find it comforting, expressive and emotional. As John said there is a thread “Grieving through poetry”. Take a look, it has some great stuff. Sending love and strength to you xx
Dear Helen, I too lost my daughter suddenly in September 2019 - 4 months exactly today. She was 20 and my only child. We too are awaiting an inquest as she died on a university field trip suddenly in her sleep. I understand your feelings of confusion and pain- it’s unbearable.
I hope you will find some comfort from others who have suffered a great loss - no one else can really understand and nor would we want them to as to even glimpse our pain would be too painful for them.
Thank you Kate…truly caring & kind of you to say …Yes John did let me know… i will have look as im sure the thread has beautiful words written for all who wrote them…love & blessings to you x x
Bless you …i am so so sorry to hear too for you…your daughter so young . My words for you are so sincere. It is unbearable very hard …my daughter was 37 said to have had fall in her house…she was well being coordinator for local school…children with learning difficulties…had just broke up for the summer holidays. Forgive me for asking…but…do you find like myself that waiting on an inquest just does not help… i feel has put me on standstill…i have many questions maybe will get answers to. I do need to Thank you so much for taking time to reply to me …terribly sad that we are not alone with loved ones taken away …please know my thoughts & prayers are for you …hope we can keep in touch & have comfort from all here but to them also x x
Hi Helen. Interested that you wrote poetry as it brought back happy memories for me.
I had loved poetry from schooldays and always had a poetry book in my hand. I started writing poems and they just seemed to come from nowhere. I could do one in a few minutes. I always made them rhyme though. Constantly in trouble at college for writing when I should have been doing some other subject. In the end the teachers let me get on with it. I don’t know what happened to all those poems I wrote I would love to see them now and find out just what was happening in my mind for me to write so much. I studied at RADA for a while at school and poetry was important. Making the poem come to life with feeling. How I loved those lessons. Think I’l look into buying a book of poems and even try to write one again. My husband was always writing poems and could muster one up from nowhere. They was very good but sometimes he would produce a comical one, I still have them, he was always writing me love poems. Funny I found a sheet of paper on my pillow recently with a lovely poem on it written by him and have no idea how it got there!!!
Off to look for a book of poems now.
I love poetry too, as did my mum, our grandson does too.
Which is your favourite poem? Maybe this topic could have it’s own thread, just a thought.
Thank you. It always seems to be the truly kind ones who are taken so young. I’m so sorry for your loss.
Waiting for the inquest has certainly added stress and upset not least as it keeps the matter in the press which is unbearable seeing her photo in the paper without any warning. For us we have had the added complication of Caitlin being in Africa when it happened and all that that entailed. We think the inquest won’t take place for several months so that’s going to be difficult to cope with. We have been told by GP friends that even then it’s highly possible that they will be unable to ascertain a cause of death but mainly just rule out things.
I hope things get sorted out for you quicker than for us.I keep telling myself nothing will change whatever they say- it won’t bring her back.
I Know the pain and enormity of our loss will never really leave us- how could it? they are our children but at least if we have people to talk to who understand we know we are not alone xxx
Dear Helen, we also lost our younger daughter last July.
She took I’ll suddenly on the way home from Majorca. Their first holiday in 10 years. At first they thought it was sepsis but as she had a long term rare lung condition she got bilateral pneumonia and was put on an ECMO life support to give her lungs a chance to heal. She was in an induced coma for a week but after that she was able to talk very softly, text and use her tablet and laptop. She was a wedding florist and needed to check her schedule and get us to cancel weddings. This was June and she said the leave the september and onward bookings as she thought she would be well by then. Sadly after 54 days on this machine she contracted a blood infection and nothing could be done.
She left behind her 3 year old and her adored partner of 13 years. We are all devastated but we are so thankful for those weeks with her and her wee lass being able to see her Mummy every day. It still hurts so much but I cant imagine how hard it must be to have to go through an I quest.
You poor love. On this site we all understand because you have to have lived through it to understand.
Nothing seems odd or silly. We tell each other our deepest thoughts and it helps so much.
Hang in there my love and keep posting. We are all here for you.