So its 12 weeks since my beautiful man flew to Heaven and left me drowning in a sea of missing him to the point where sometimes just breathing is hard. We only had each other - I have no family and
many of those who I thought were friends despite many promises I have not seen since his service. I do get texts which (IF they refer to my hisband’s passing) tell me I’m so strong and then quickly change the subject because they just can’t handle my grief. It’s as if I should be “over it” now. One actually told me I should “get a grip” and “get off my arse and go join a club” when I spoke about the utter bewilderment of now being alone in the world. I am NOT strong - I’m just about surviving. Why can’t people just accept my grief and allow me space to talk about my husband without me feeling I’m “bringing them down”! I don’t want to share just my struggle. I love to talk about this amazing man and how funny he was and my favourite memories but I know the reaction I will get. Someone else told me I’m still the person that I was before but I’m not. He was the best part of me and I feel I’m a very different person now but nobody seems to realise.
I want to talk about my husband all the time even to stranger’s i could be chatting and tell them my husband passed away 10 weeks ago hoping they have sympathy and willi g to listen to me talk about him no one wants to hear now but i bring his name into everything my sister texted how are you i said im struggling she never replied guess she thought i would say ok don’t worry we would like to hear about your partner
Michelle 20, i am sorry you are on this path.
I am afraid people don’t understand it, until you are on it. Week 12 is still early and raw.
We are not the same person anymore,how can we be. They say you have to find the new you,but you don’t want to do that. You want the old you with your partner.
This is your journey do what is right for you. Yes we want to talk about our partner, even if it upsets us,and people don’t understand that. I am afraid i have not seen my family or friends since Sue’s funeral in February. I make excuses for them,as we moved away. I have to ring them,which makes me feel worse and then they luckily don’t understand. That’s why i have found this forum a life saver. Rant or ramble on here, i do . We understand. Take care
I lost my wife in January, it was very sudden and like you, those that have stayed in contact (and it’s not that many) say “you’re doing well” etc, when the truth is, all I want my wife back. I’ve personally been told to grow up, made me laugh as i am older than the person that said it. I have zero motivation, don’t want to go anywhere, enjoy feeling in the pit of my stomach, it’s horrible, it’s not fair.
Hello Michelle20, I can only echo what you and everyone else has said - losing a partner has made us outcasts. I imagine we frighten others. They don’t and can’t appreciate what we’re going through, but they understand enough to know that it’s an unthinkable nightmare. That’s probably why they steer clear.
I have started counselling - I realised it would be the only way I’d get to speak about my wonderful wife and my grief.
Like you, I’ve had the ‘How well I’m doing’ messages. They have no idea.
I had a ‘Keep your chin up’ a couple of days ago. All of this just leads to a growing feeling of alienation. I’ve started to shy away from other people because I keep getting hurt.
Thank goodness for this forum.
Hi Michelle,
Sorry to hear your loss. Thats sometimes I feel, I ended up keeping it to myself because it seems like if we talk about our loss is a negative topic. On this chat I found a space about my loss. Hope you feel the same, here I feel safe talking about my husband and my pain.
Ive been to doctor today and i shared that talking here about my grief really helps. Many of us here on the same boat and understand each other.
take care…
Completely understand and agree with all of this. It’s been 14 months since my husband died and I feel worse now than I did just after he left me. People say half of you has gone but it’s more than that, it’s your very purpose for being that has gone. I was with my husband since I was 17 so 41 years in total. He died aged 61 three months after cancer diagnosis. So fast, so unfair, no chance of beating it. People do move on whilst we tend to go backwards. You just think what’s the point. It helps that others here are going through all the same emotions as you do start to feel like it’s just you not coping.
Sorry Sandie, I know.
Im one example, I lost my husband nearly 8yrs now but I am here in the chatroom with you all.
Im still hunted by my grief.
It is not easy…
I can hide it so sometimes, people think I have move on. But its not as easy as that…
Early grief is considered 2 years out by many grief experts so someone saying to “get a grip” ought to understand the grieving process. It seems it’s a rarity that people understand this. Some people can say really hurtful things. Sorry for your loss. It’s a process, two steps forward and one back at best, and not an easy one.
I know, its just no word for it sometimes.
I find it hard to comfort someone when they lost a love one because I know it hurt so much. And I can still feel the pain, here and there. There is no day I dont feel it. I can use all my tears in my body and the pain is still there.
I try to live like normal but its no longer the same. Its hard to let go of that pain and I dont even know if that really goes away…
I’m so sorry about your husband and how you’re feeling. You absolutely need to be able to share your memories and talk about good times you shared. I still do this regularly and it’s not far off two years since I lost my husband. I hope your friends start to realise this and you have more support in the future. In the meantime, keep posting here. There’s a supportive group who know exactly how you’re feeling. Feel free to share some of your memories on here if you’re ever wanting to. Sending hugs x
Michelle I feel your pain and fully understand the loss you’re feeling and the knock on effect from others now. It’s almost two years since my husband and best friend died and the pain and loss is with me everyday. Met when I was 16. Married 50yrs. I want to talk about him all the time but can do so to only a few now and then only briefly. I feel friends and even family think its best not to mention him in case I get upset. I get some solace from this site and other things that pop up on my phone and I can cry and release some of the sadness. But life is so much poorer without the one who always held me.
I wish you all the best for the journey we now share. The one solace is that we have been fortunate to have someone so special in our lives till now. Take care of you.
Maccy, I am completely with you. It’s so hard as time goes on to face another day without the love of your life. The only people who understand are those who are going through it too. Nothing eases the pain and everything is a reminder of who you have lost.
I lost my wife four years ago. She was sixty five. There’s tears every day, I miss her so much. I’m crying now. I’ve got friends and family close by but I hide these feelings from everyone except on here. Its a good job I’m retired because I don’t sleep at night much but fall asleep most days with daytime tv on. I’m sorry I’m really feeling sorry for myself at the moment. I don’t think this pain will ever go away for me, as the years go by it just seems to get worse. I don’t mind my own company but I do get so lonely at times. I’m sorry to burden you all with this everyone on here has the same or similar stuff going on and I know I’m far from being the only one but because I choose to hide my feelings from those close to me here seems to be the only place where I can be truly honest. Thanks for listening.
Hello Peterj,
Please do not apologise for posting your feelings here. This is exactly the place to express your pain. Sometimes just writing it down can make you feel a little bit lighter.
I have begun to receive counselling. Have you had any counselling? It sounds like you could do with talking to someone about your grief.
Sending you my heartfelt sympathy,
Get a hobby!! Really this person cannot be serious and I’m sorry if I’m speaking out of turn but no genuine friend would say that! I’m so sorry somebody was so careless with your heart and your grief. Like you the world sees a very different face on me than the one that cries uncontrollably every night in bed. I find that the hardest part because every night when we would go to bed my husband would say ‘well I won the lotto again today’. It was our safest of places and we would chat about the day and generally I’d end up laughing so much at his wicked sense of humour he would say Sshh the neighbours won’t think much of me if all they can hear is you laughing uncontrollably in bed every night!! Then we would be like two kids who have been told not to laugh, each of us trying not to set the other off! He was my best friend as well as my husband and he literally took the best part of me with him when he flew to Heaven. The only thing that sustains me at all is that I am grateful to God that he took Bren first because I would NEVER be able to handle the thought of my beloved boy feeling the pain of grief. I just don’t bother to tell people now how I am really feeling - its easier that way 
First of all so sorry for your loss, I know your pain and I know how often I also cry for my beloved husband. Don’t you dare apologise for crying. I talk to my husband all the time and I tell him I’m sorry I’m not coping and crying but I also tell him that him and his love and the life we had is worth every tear I shed. Grief is love with nowhere to go and although it is still early days I know I will always cry for my husband. Like you I don’t sleep well at night - it could be 3 in the morning before I go to bed in the hope that pure physical exhaustion will MAKE me sleep. I’m off work at the moment so I can do that. My biggest fear now is dealing with Christmas. I only had him and have no family and my best friend is in another country so I will be on my own completely. I genuinely don’t know how I will get through it but for now I am just trying to concentrate on getting through each day x
I totally get all you say I’m experiencing similar or my thoughts are already there my partner passed recently I’m aware I may be physically seen but I feel this has changed me since he passed and always will? Obvious I think as without him my life is not ever going to be therefor I will have changed as I no longer have the other half which made me whole I look the same and I to most pple say yeah I’m ok as that seems the quickest shortest reply I can manage? Anyone telling me I should do this or I should get help or I must carry on? I don’t even want them saying I know all those things I will do when and as because chatting to friends we knew or going out with them is not the same and never will be also I wouldn’t do when he was here so don’t want to now he isn’t? I feel better alone doing as I wish I’m ok with that and feel tormented with everyone sending the are you ok? Where here if you need anything? I much prefer thinking of you or sorry to hear about your loss?
I like your husband’s sense of humor about laughing at night. I miss my husband’s sense of humor, too. We had secret jokes and laughed about certain things over the years. I miss that stuff more than I can say. Nothing can take the place of it. I have listened to some comments and they cut deep. I replay them in my head, to think maybe I’m too thin-skinned, but I just think most people don’t have a clue till it’s their turn.
I agree. I can’t believe that people mean to sound so unempathic.
I have had a frightening week. My husband always supported my son’s women’s team. I often went with him. My d in law offered to pick me up and take me to Tuesday’s match. I went and within minutes of being there I knew i gad made a big mistake. I kept " seeing" my husband where he akways stood and could imagine what he would be saying. I managed to not sob but i had to keep mopping away the tears. When I got home, I couldn’t stop sobbing and I’ve been like that ever since. It’s only been 10 weeks but I try to hide my grief and wear a mask especially infront of my son. He phoned me on Wed for a chat and asked how I was. That was then mistake no 2. I replied truthfully and said I was feeling broken and that going to the Match had been a bad idea etc. His reply was " what about me, how do you think I feel"? " I have to be at every Match" I was knocked sideways and if I say anything then I end up even more wrong. This isnt unusual for him. He tells me how much he loves me and how I could never be a problem, but then comes out with something like that. I have realised that how he can react compounds my grief and adds to my heartbreak. I love him more than my life. He is my only “child”. I feel really frightened that my grief has suddenly become more real. Perhaps, I was in shock. I felt brutal pain before and now feel so, so much worse. I sit here alone and can’t take it in that this is just me now. I’m so sorry for this long monologue, but I feel so lost and terrified. Am I being too sensitive as regards my son’s response ? Thank you if you have read this to the end. The bottom line is I just don’t want to be here without my husband. I keep hoping I won’t wake up to face another day. My love to you all. Xxxxx