I am a child in care,i say that because the rest of my story wouldn’t make sense.
I guess this all starts June last year when i was living quite happily with my foster carers and i was stable but then my foster dad dies from a heart attack and the shock blew me away because i had never experienced death before and well i was upset but i delt with it then i didn’t expect my birth mother to die three weeks later and again i was upset but i delt with it and then around November time my grandad died and well the penny finally dropped and i only recently realised that i am going through bereavement.
This one night i have this dream they are all there my foster dad and my birth mother and my grandad.I didn’t take this very well and within the hour i had took a attempt on my own life because i thought they were calling me to the second world (this sounds silly i know but i don’t know about you but i imagine them happily in another world) I have kept all my greif built up and well i need to face it instead of masking it and acting as if it never happened and pretend to others that i am ok but really i am not and struggling to cope with day to day life and feeling anxious around crouds and withdrawing myself more and more by the day and wondering about my own existence and wondering if i should go on but then the other side kicks in and screams all the stuff i would miss and the people that would get hurt in the process of me ending my own life.so i am living a conflicted life wondering what to do next…
Sorry to hear about your loss, I lost my dad in march.
It is hard but you have your foster mum there that is probably feeling the same way because she has lost her husband, so you need to talk to her and tell her how you feel.
I hope your still living with your foster mum?
Like you I am in conflict.wondering whether I should go on .when is now become a life of unbearable loss and pain.I actually console myself with the fact that I have the option to end it.terrible isn’t it.but then I have to really because my girl left me with her daughter.and I can’t let her down as well she would have no one at all.I am her only family she hasn’t got a dad or other relatives.its just me and her .so I understand and really emphathise with you.remember nelsena you are not alone .on here we are all united in grief.keep the faith .Annette.xxx
Hi thanks for replying,and i am sorry about your loss it is always hard.I am still living with my foster mum and she talks a lol about my foster dad but the thing is i know that she is going through the same but i find it hard to talk about myself let alone about my loses so i tried to talk to others but that didn’t really work because normally whenever i am feeling down they are not there and yet they think it is fine to talk about themselves and say all the stuff they are feeling so that lowers my mood and i wonder if they are actually there for me or just there for themselves the minete i start talking it goes all stale and they say something to change the subject and they say"i am sorry that you had to go through this"which is what i keep hearing it is just hard and half of the time i feel as if i am not standing on earth that i am falling into something much more horrible and then i wonder why am i here and i have noticed people don’t know what to say which then make me laugh and they just look at me like i have gone mad.Then you get someone who say I was worried when you said that you are feeling suicidal and that just makes me feel bad because i don’t want to hurt others but the things i am doing to myself are and there is a curtain way people have started to look at me and that then just stresses me out and makes me want to do it even more and then i imagine there faces which then makes me feel conficted and I then wonder how to carry on.
Thank you for replying and for the kind words,it is good that you feel comforted with your child.that is your hope and salvation.i felt that i had to start greifing or otherwise it will come to me in later life and really disturb me.So i could hide it all away and forget for a bit and pretend that i am the same person i was but i am not.i have gone from being a teenager to believing to myself that i am older person but really i am just a little child aching for his mother’s touch and my grandads handshake and my foster dad’s stability he created for me.
You are going through such a tough time and the sad truth is that most people don’t know what to say or do when around someone who has suffered such loss. They don’t understand how deep the pain goes and find it hard to listen. At least on here you can say it as it is and know that we understand. I lost my husband and my mother in the autumn and only this morning was finding it so hard to be alone. You have your foster mother. Stay close - even when you can’t talk just be with her and let that comfort you. There is an ok you underneath all this sadness that will help you to carry on but I know how hard that feels just now. Please try to take very good care of yourself. It will get easier but just now look for anything that helps minute by minute. We are thinking of you.
Sorry for the late reply, sorry to hear that you have lost more than 2 people close to you in such a short time.thank you for kind words: )
So sorry about your bereavements, three people close or closely connected to you, its a big shock, if you were in the armed services they would call it post traumatic stress syndrome. So take your time, don’t panic, a lot has happened and it needs time to process it all, but remember you are still in control of your life even when it doesn’t feel it, none of this is your fault and you will get through it.
Following the cancer diagnosis, Helen, my wife got back in March 2016 I went into denial and hardly talked at all about what mattered to us and how I was feeling, so it formed a block between us. They say people regret so much more what they didn’t do not what they did, very true because if you do whatever it is wrong you may be able to have another go and put bit it right! So do try talking to your foster mother, even if it is only to say you don’t know how to begin. Your foster mother fostered you for a reason, she cares for you, give her a chance to help you.
As you are using this site I presume you have googled various bereavement sites, but if you haven’t there is
Winston’s Wish - Freephone Helpline 08088 020 021
cruse.org.uk - Telephone 0808 808 1677
the Samaritans - telephone 116 123 (open 24/7).
If you contact Priscilla, the Community manager for this site, she will be able to help you.
You are not alone in all this, and I am afraid you will have to cut other people a lot of slack at times because if they haven’t gone through it themselves they don’t know how it feels.
Take care of yourself, there are people thinking of you.
There is no right way to grieve and everyone goes through their own journey. I lost my mum when I was ten but didn’t let myself feel anything for the next 8 years and pretended, even to myself, that I was fine. It was only after experiencing extreme anxiety that I realised how deeply I was in pain, and how much I missed my mum. I’ve used different professional therapies to help me through the process. I’m still in it, there are some days where I feel like giving up, some days I feel guilty for not living the life my mum would have wanted me to live, and some days where I just feel stuck. I too question my own existence, and what the point of it all is, but I believe that letting myself and my emotions be okay, and giving in to them helps me feel much more at peace.
I’m sorry that you’ve had to go through three losses so close to each other. I really do not know how it’s possible to deal with it. Finding the right type of professional help can be painful and hard, but when you find that person who can help you, it makes you feel like there’s hope. It starts to feel like a journey through grief rather than a destination with no way forward. Take care of yourself, and remember that it’s okay to feel whatever it is that you are feeling.
I find it almost impossible to talk to my family about this even though I know they love me so I know what you mean when you say it’s hard to talk to your foster mum about what you’re going through. Sometimes it’s easier to talk to someone you don’t know like a professional or a support group.
In this together X