Tomorrow I should be going on holiday with my husband, his best friend and his wife which is a good friend of mine. My husband suddenly passed away at Christmas 22. He had a undiagnosed cancer. He was 53 years old. Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary.
My best and long term friend is coming instead of my husband. Packing is taking ages as got no motivation and feeling so sad that I will never go away with my husband. Feeling anxious about tomorrow. We like our holidays together. I look back at our photos of our last holiday in September and noticed that he has lost weight. Why didn’t I notice that he was losing weight. Why didn’t I notice that he was so ill. My husband was working up to the day before he died. I only noticed 3 weeks before he died. Life is so unfair and cruel. We could of had another 25/30 years together. Miss him so much. Xx
Hi Hazel.1966 - so sorry you are suffering such heartache. Grief is the worst thing in the whole world. My husband also suffered with cancer, could not see a doctor during lock down - eventually diagnosed. Sadly too late for him, the chemo decimated him & he lost his battle just short of his 61st birthday. It is nearly 2 years now & I am still suffering. I don’t think I will ever get over losing him. I agree with you life is so unfair & cruel. And like you I feel we could have had another 25 years together, I feel cheated. I hope you have a good holiday though. My 80 year old mum booked a holiday for me & her last year, we went to a place that we had spent many happy holidays as a couple and with my mum & dad. I did not want to go at all, but I went & surprisingly I enjoyed it. Don’t get me wrong there were a lot of tears for both of us, we had lost my dad just before covid hit. We have since been back twice more & have another 3 holidays booked. I sleep really badly at home, up every day at 4am, but weirdly when away I manage to sleep until 5.30/6am. Take care & I really hope you manage to have some enjoyment on your holiday. Alison xx
Aw … @Hazel.1966 … will be bringing back memories wont it ? I.used to love going with my husband on our holidays too ! We had such a good time together … he was good company. Just try think youre doing this for him because he would want you to go … and do the best ypu can to try and enjoy it a bit at least its a change of scenery xxx
@warriner21 thank you for your kind words. I am so sorry that you lost your husband also. We have been robbed of our future plans and dreams. It is so hard. I went to work on the Saturday and Sunday I got a call from my son to say that dad had collapsed. Time I got home he was gone. Died of a massive rear saddle pulmonary embolism and had undiagnosed kidney cancer which was in both kidneys. Such a shock. Wish I notice that he was ill and lost weight as could of saved him. Going on this holiday at least I am going with friends who have been my rock and my husband best friend knew him since they were babies like my best friend and hopefully will understand.
Did you toast your husband with a drink daily. I definitely going too. Take care and big hugs xx
Thank you Debbie for your support and yes hopefully will have a nice time when thinking of my husband xx
It is crap isn’t it. I at least had some time to prepare as I could see how he was going downhill, but still no easier. Still shocked he left me, he was such a big strong man - never thought I would ever lose him.
I drink his favourite drink every night - brandy & lemonade. Some nights too much I must confess. 
Oh yeh bit of brandy … i been drinking that recently , sometimes with lemonade, sometimes neat with ice 
@warriner21 my husband used to like brandy with ice.,then he went on to honey whiskey. His drink on holiday was a black russian I haven’t had a drink since he went as worried that it might set my emotions off. Though we are all inclusive so might have a cocktail.
Thank you for your support X
Ps I see you live in York… lovely city. X.
Oh do you @warriner21 my eldest daughter lives in york ! And yeh hazel … i have one or two after a hard day … find it helps me ! What is a black russian ? And i hope your have a few cocktails xx
Debs vodka, coffee liqueur and coke or just ice. My favourite is barcardi or rum. Quite like a Pimm’s as well xx
Oh sounds nice never had it … yeh i got a bit of pimms left i was thinking of having tonight seem as its Saturday ! Jeez my next door neighbours are having a party and they making a right racket ! Better not go on too late or they will get a mouthful … very inconsiderate ! Dont mind them having a party but why do they have to make so much noise about it !!! Too much beer !!! X
Oh god hopefully not… Xx
I told him today not too late … but they’re so noisy … all i need ! Its really annoying and actually im not impressed ! I think they quite nice people normally but i bet most of street sick of hearing them ! Lol … i am ! Ive shut all my windows ! X
Hazel. I so feel for your painful loss. My husband passed away from metastatic cancer this February. You just feel so helpless.l qhen they are nonlonger there. I recently stayed the weekend with friends after postponing several times and I was so anxious about going, I was a wreck. I packed my favourite photograph of my husband (some of his ashes are tucked behind the frame) and took it along with me in my travel case. I placed it next to me where i was sleeping and can honestly say, it offered me some comfort to kiss his face goodnigbt and good morning, to let him know that wherever i am, he will always be with me. I have decided that whenever I spend time away from home, his beautiful photograph will now always travel with me so I feel as if we are together, whatever the destination. Im hoping that this might be helpful to you also? It just offers a little bit of muxh needed comfort and lets our loved ones know that they are never far from our thoughts. I so hope that you will enjoy your holiday. Of course, holidays will never be the same. But that doesnt mean that they wont ever be good again. Just in a different way. Sending love to you and wishing you every happiness on your holiday 
@Annalisa thank you so much for your kind words. I am sorry that you also lost your husband. Such a shock. I was thinking of taking some of my husband ashes with me to scatter some in the sea but find that I can’t at this time. I thought I might wait till I travel to Italy which was his favourite place. I have his urn on the side board and a couple of little bags of ashes to scatter some when I am ready. I will be wearing my ash in glass necklace. Life is so hard now. Just wish I had my old life back. I will try and enjoy my holiday for my husband…Big hugs xx
I am home after a week in menorca where I should of been with my husband, his best friend and his wife which is a good friend of mine. My best friend came instead.
The holiday was hard. Cried often and miss having my husband there. Had a Toast every night to my husband and got him a black russian every night. Spoke about him often and shared memories. Distraction was good at times. I went for walks which I struggle with as ache all over and had a pain in my chest and back. My friends were brilliant and very supportive and understanding. Coming back today was extremely hard and I couldn’t stop crying at the airport. Still in denial and think maybe one day I will wake up from this horrendous nightmare.