So the holiday with the family that I felt was a little make it break for me was as awful as I expected!! From the moment I stepped into the airport and saw couples I was a mess.
The holiday was a nightmare with tension between my daughter , son & my son’s girlfriend so after 4 days I booked flights and now back home and feeling worse than ever. I just want to go now.
It’s hard enough missing Bry on top of everything else. I’m just exhausted 
xxxxx
I’m so sorry that it was a disaster. Life os hard enough for you right now without the added stress. I was really hoping you would go and be glad you went
xxxx
@PollyjaneW I’m so sorry… nothing anyone will say can help, so sending you a big hug.
Dottie x❤️
So sorry to hear that .Maybe just too early on on your journey and i think thete can always be tension in family. Im not ready yet 7 weeks for me but i think i would rather go with people like us who know how hard it is without our oh by our side .They say if you go on your own A cruse is good but they are exspensive love hope 5.xx
Hi @PollyjaneW, I am currently on holiday and it’s 06.17am here just now and I am on here. I’m sorry you didn’t have a good time when away and know exactly what your saying:heart: I too miss my James so much and have had daily tears and because I’m with another 3 friends one of which is also a widow 3yrs in we both could share our grief. It doesn’t make it any easier but going away with non family members might be something you can consider in the future. I’m sending you hugs 
from far away shores xx
@PollyjaneW I’m so sorry the holiday wasn’t a success. Maybe it was too soon or because there was family tension? Did you go somewhere you had been with your husband? I think I would struggle to do that. At least you tried and you should feel proud of yourself for doing that. Sending hugs
Not exactly the same place, another part of Turkey but was just so hard and I’m now feeling as raw as that first day , with the heavy heart and gut wrenching feeling and on top of that the relationship between my son & daughter is not good and I feel like I’m piggy in the middle . My son has his partner but my daughter only has me to vent at and whilst she is trying not to I’m the k it one she can vent at and it’s really not helping .
I’ve told them both that the thought of a possible 20 years without their Dad is foul destroying enough , I’m not prepared to do that as well as being stuck in the middle of this it’s just too painful xxxx
@PollyjaneW - you have been through so much, I am so sorry. I know what you mean about seeing couples, particularly in the early days, weeks and months.
The holiday situation sounds really hard - but one thing to take heart from is that you had the courage and resolve to get yourself out of that situation. That took guts and determination to do. Lots of other people would have dodged that and hung on in the grim situation, but you chose to protect yourself, and very wisely.
There is a rather odd expression about being alone - “self-partnered”. It means being strong in your own company. While we all want our loved ones back, and their absence is raw, bleak and so painful, I am drawing strength from being alone, living on my own terms, relying on myself all the time. It was tough at first, but slowly, slowly, I am getting accustomed to it and oddly, find it ok. I am 16 months in, now.
You are doing really well, please remember that, even though it may not feel like it. And you are stronger than you might think, girl! You got out of there, like a Boss Lady. So maybe hold on to that thought today. Your Bry would be proud of you. Hold tight, keep posting, your friends on here are with you.
@PollyjaneW you are having such a hard time. Quite right to tell your family you’re not putting up with that. They are grieving too but should realise that you have enough to deal with just now. Sending hugs
Thank you so much for your lovely reply . I never thought of it like that , just that I’d let everyone down and you are right, I think k Bry would be really proud as I always the one to try & keep the peace and for the first time I made the decision. So thank you .
Right now as hard as it is if rather be on my own so right again xx
Sending hugs xx
Thanks @Jan17
I k is o feel selfish. I know they have lost their dad & Gar too young but they still have the life they had whereas not only am I grieving like them , I lost him , my identity & the life I knew & loved & it hurts so much as we all know.
If that makes me selfish then that’s what I need to be xxx
@PollyjaneW I’m so sorry your holiday didn’t go well.
I went away for my daughters 21st. 5 weeks after my partner died in March. It was already booked so we went. It was awful. I cried the whole time just wanted to be at home. Luckily it was only for 4 nights. Vowed I would never go anywhere again.
I have just come back from another holiday with my daughter and I have to say it was much better. I actually booked it as I couldn’t bear being surrounded by all the grief at home and just needed to get away from everything. I still cried everyday and wished my partner was with us but I also had some moments when I knew he would be proud I’d gone and it was ok.
It must be hard with your family not getting on. I am learning 17 weeks in that I need to look after number one as No one else is going to do it for me. Stay strong. You went and that is a huge achievement.
Just seen this @PollyjaneW as i was scrolling through . Hope youre feeling bit better love ! Families - honestly ! Where do i start ? xxx
Thanks so much @Deb5
Kids still not speaking 
I honestly feel like my whole life I’m so many ways has turned to c**p since Bry went , & he would be the one person I would turn to
How are you doing? Xx
Im ok honey … sad … but its so hard without our man isnt it ? So many things i miss in so many ways … miss his company , miss his smile - just miss him 
just met my daughter for lunch which was nice … then you come home to our new normal … which doesnt feel normal at all … xxx
100 %
I get on with days now , which makes me feel guilty & sad but Bry is constantly in my mind . I’m not liking this new normal , but it’s all we’d have I guess 
xxx
Do you thats good … i do too but at back of it theres this deep sadness isnt there ? I so miss him putting his arms around me and giving me a kiss ! I been crying a lot fhis morning i dunno why. Dont feel guilty for getting on with things. He would want you to ! I always feel a mixture of sadness and flipping fury that thes not here with me, where i want him to be !! xxx