My home is now Heartbreak Hotel, it is where we lived together for 26 years . It is my sanctuary but as soon as I close the door it becomes full of emptiness and deep sadness on my part as he is no longer in it. But I need this place because I can be myself here and shed tears and hide away to some extent from the world . It is a relief to have a secure place to be as I am well aware that many haven’t but it is also a holder of the pain I’m feeling , two opposing emotions that can’t be resolved and live together peacefully. The conflict is so tiring , what is the answer , will that come eventually?
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Hello @Anne9 - I completely understand and have felt the same way. A silent house has been my echo chamber, too - my voice reverberating around- calling for T, asking for his help, telling him I miss him, love him, want him back so much. Endless commentary from me on a loop. No reply from him, because he has died. I feel him near sometimes. The conflict is exhausting as you say - and I think the answer comes in little ways - like feeling fractionally better on a day, or being able to watch a TV programme. Or just letting time run, moving through it, building a life on our own and trying to learn to live like this. It is hard, choices are both few and legion. Few in that we have no choice but to keep going and legion because everything, every day, is now up to us to decide. I am here in T’s apartment in the mountains. So I am beyond lucky in many ways. My choice today is -do I ski or not - first world choices, right? But he skied these hills beautifully and brilliantly and gave me confidence. Now he has gone. So the hills are not alive as they once were. Your friends here understand the emptiness and the pain, the exhaustion and the silence, my friend. Let’s try again today, to wobble forward a little further.
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I woke up and cried again walking smudge. The tears rolled and I could not stop them. I feel afraid without my H and don’t know how to stop this feeling x
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It’s four and a half months for me since Allan died, somehow I am just going through the time, I have had better days in that I have been back to work for some shifts this week, but after 5 shifts it was all hitting me again, so I’m not going for a bit I am lucky I am on a zero hours contract as a Locum so at least I have done the shifts and they are amazing at work and understand. Last two days been really hard I just need to be alone it’s like whole life has changed I have a lovely son to keep going for, but it feels constant we were so close it’s like I finally found my person
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Oh nel I’m sorry you feel so low, it’s all part of the grief just go with it deep breathe and think of your lovely memories it doesn’t take away the pain and anxiety but it distracts the mind even just for a moment grief plays cruel tricks on the mind and creeps up on you, we’ve all been left In a horrible position and are struggling to find a way forward but know you’re not alone we’re walking with you xx
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My friend @Nel - I think this feeling runs itself, runs its course. I don’t think we can stop it but we can be gentle on ourselves when it comes and we have little routines to help us manage. You are doing well, you have come a long way already. Hold tight, we are with you.
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Definitely wobbling thru everything, the realization that I am now truly on my own and responsible for everything in every way is overwhelming particularly because I cannot make decisions for my future, should I stay here or move on to a different place and start fresh . My son wants me to move closer to him but that means for me to have to make new friends and get to know the area I would be in which is pretty unknown to me now , I want to be closer to my son but I also have connections where I am now but they are not family ones . I simply cannot decide .
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I feel the same my loss is only recent but I torn I want to stay in our home but everywhere I look there are memories
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