I lost my lovely wife in January 2022. We had a wonderful marriage and relationship although the last 13 years were lived with recurrent diagnoses of breast cancer.
My wife dealt with that as well as anyone ever could, she was so thoughtful, it was so hard for her, but she stayed positive for me, and I for her. We went through it hand in hand, and we dealt with the situation one day at a time, always looking to make the most of each day. I could not allow myself to think about tomorrows.
It was a way of thinking which helped us to cope. I was not prepared for anything after that. There is do much I wish I had said to my wife, more things I wish I had done, but it’s too late for that now.
I never thought about the grief I would experience, the loneliness, and loss of love affection, and connection. I never thought about how it would be difficult to walk into her hobby room and to handle her craft equipment. I never thought about what I would do to cope and to go on. Those things were not on my radar.
Now I am feeling my way forward, step at a time.
@Nickkb So sorry that you find yourself on here, ans so sorry to hear of the passing of you r wife. My wife passed away last November, she had a terminal diagnosis since the previous February, we used much the same coping strategy as you have described. My wife wasn’t one for bucket lists and just wanted her last months to be ‘normal’. As with you this meant taking days at a time, and not looking to the future too much. It had its benefits, my wife remained positive for much of her remaining time and she met life with a beautiful sensibility. But as with you, when the inevitable came, afterwards was a struggle, so many things we never fully discussed, so much I feel I should have done. For a time I felt a lot of guilt around this. Now I think back and I believe that I did my best, my wife lead and I followed her choices. I know that she knew what it was that we were doing and it suited her wishes, I’m sure it will have been much the same with yourself. My wife knew how much I loved her and could recognise that in how she lived her last months.
Thank you. Walan for your kind words. We had a similar experience. You are right in what you say, we handled it as we did because our wives both knew how much we loved them, and we did the best we could to help them through.
@Nickkb @Walan I think what you have both written is beautiful and your wives would be very proud of you, for how you helped them leave this world and for how you are coping now.
My loss was sudden and I often wonder if we’d had time before death, would I feel better but I don’t believe that’s the case. Having read people’s stories on here, there was always something left unsaid , undone, we all reflect on the wish I, could I, did I, should I, and we do this reflecting on the whole relationship over the years. But, as said, we can’t change it, we can just go forward a day at a time, to be fair, the day we’re in, is the only one guaranteed.
Thank you for your kind words Ali29 - what you have written makes a lot of sense
@Ali29 Thanks Ali. As with you at times I wished that my wife had gone differently, for me suddenly. But as you say we don’t get to choose and if we did it would be an impossible choice, neither seems to be preferable. We just have to make peace with how things are and were, learn to keep moving forward. I often think now that it’s how we helped our partners to live that really matters.
Absolutely and I know I lived for him as he lived for me. He knew he was loved as was I, that I have no doubt and that’s a great thing to take away from all this because there are so many people who don’t even get that.
I have to agree with all of that, it’s the conclusion that I choose to focus on and I find that it gets me through. We had each other for the time we did and that in the end has to be enough, knowing that we had that now makes all the difference.
I agree with what others have said. No matter whether you know it’s coming or it’s sudden, absolutely nothing prepares you for this nightmare. Like has already been said, take comfort from knowing that you loved and were loved. That we all did our best under the most horrendous circumstances. And our partners would want us to carry on and forge a life that they were denied.
@Ali29 I have that comfort too that my husband loved me so much and I loved him the same . I always will love him