It’s. Three weeks today since my partner Wayne died. It feels like yesterday but so long. He was 47.
I’m not managing to eat properly still. The feeling that my throat is closing is constant and I just retch. I know my family are worried and I can hear Wayne being cross at me. I know it sounds really unrational and completely insane but I don’t want to go forward normally. Shutting myself away to grief is almost like keeping hold of him.
I’m waiting for post mortem to give some answers. He had been having some tests but no doctor was worried. The GP didn’t understand some of the things the private doctor did which is making up more questions in my mind which I know isn’t healthy. Nobody was concerned. Not one. Now he’s gone. I couldn’t save him that morning.
Today I forced myself to take the dogs for a walk. The realisation that I haven’t done anything on my own for so many years. The places we walked. The people we knew. I walked the whole 5 miles with tears in my eyes having to stop to catch my breath.
Maybe I’m wondering if any of the things I’m feeling is normal? I was only me because of who we were together.
@Kellymet
Your last words do sum it up. We are who we are because of what we were together. But take that and know that whatever you do, you have your love with you. He cannot be left behind because he is in all you are and all you do.
He will make you strong as Richard makes me strong. He is with me as I do the jobs he did. Maybe sometimes asking what the heck I’m doing if I don’t get it right but hopefully more often cheering me on.
xxx
Wow, i hear your every word, my wife passed 2nd Jan, 2 days after being let out of hospital with a few tablets and no concerns !!
I’m angry, I’m bitter, i feel guilty and i feel lost.
She was my best friend, my business partner, my wife and my life, she gave me so much strength and confidence, and was my reason for everything, I have been going to work, all i want to do is get home, i feel safe there, just want to close the door, we have 2 sons which are the only reason i am still here , really don’t see what other reason there is but i cant let them go through this again !
Sorry not really helping you, just don’t want to open up to my family as they have enough to deal with so i play it down, just need a release i guess, being open and honest may help. Think we are sharing some common thoughts, i totally get how you express how you were because of who you were together… Everyone knew us as Dave and Maria, we came as a team.
You take care now and message whenever and whatever you want !! Not sure anything is normal ! just be you.
@delete I’m the same with playing it down. I have to try and just go along with things. I’ve been visiting his family but I am sat in a room with them and all I can think is I’ve lost my world. They sat discussing holidays they have booked and all that stuff. I just want to be at home. I’ve not gone back to work yet but it’s an absolute dread. I have been told I could get signed off sick but I find myself in a position of it coming down to paying bills and everything else that just continues like nothing has happened.
Please feel free to get it all out in complete honesty. Holding it in will build it. I’ll always listen.
be kind to yourself x
Nice to hear from you,
Family! tell me about it… don’t think they know the half, we had our own business so was forced back or lose it really, probably helped but we have a good team that took the most of it, if I worked for someone then I don’t think i would have and as i said my boys are my motivation and cant let them down, Its so unfair that you have to work to survive, you clearly need time, wish i could help and thank you for your your reply and your offer for me to sound off, you do the same lady, i get you !!
@Kellymet your situation sounds so similar to mine only im abit further on in this shit life we now find ourselves in. I couldnt eat, i lost about a stone and a half, and was wretching same as you so it is normal if that helps.
I was told grief never goes away, you learn to live alongside it, and that grief is the price we pay for love.
Its good that your getting up and out the dogs tho. Walking is natures antidepressant and it has helped me so much.
Live and hugs x