Lost my husband of 45 years in Jan to liver cancer after 6 weeks after diagnosis. He knew he was dying and insisted on going through his things even though he wasn’t well. Seems he fancied himself in love with one of the nurses at his mother’s dementia home. He used to go every day while she was there. I found birthday and Christmas cards over six or seven years between them with declarations of love. He didn’t earn much so effectively I kept the house going for the both of us. While he never told me about it he wasn’t demonstrative of his feeling towards me and I accepted it, I loved him from day one but gradually got used to him cooling off. Love was still better with him than without. I miss him terribly. I don’t know what to feel. I’m not telling my daughter as he was a great dad to her and her kids. All his friends say what a great guy he was and mostly I agree with them but on one level I feel betrayed and used. I hope he hasn’t got another family somewhere. The woman was still married. I think he had enough consideration for me not to take it further than an infatuation but what do I know. I feel lighter for letting it out.
Oh my goodness. My absolute respect to you. I cant imagine myself in this situation: I dare say there would be a lot of anger and loads of tears. And swearing! I’m so glad that you are able to come here and share. I suspect that there will be more people that understand than you think. I thought I knew Alan inside out ( honesty has always been a really big thing for me because I was married previously to an unfaithful man) but I found stuff in his things that I had no idea about. Only financial information but even that made me overthink. I have no idea where you go with this but I just wanted you to know that you not alone. Perhaps you can’t share this with family or friends but you can always come here and be heard. Much love x
Firstly as his ‘wife’ of 45 yrs, I’m so sorry for your loss. A betrayal is double grief as it is also for the loss of the man you believed he was and found out otherwise. You will never know what that was all about now so don’t focus on it, you are grieving the loss of the man you loved and that in itself is hard enough. Allow yourself to feel whatever you need to feel. The first step you have already taken and is to get it all out in a safe environment amongst other bereaved people who understand what you are going through. Unfortunately you can’t challenge this information with him and it won’t change anything. Put you first now and make you the priority. Sending you a big hug
Thanks to you both for your kind words and support. Like you all experience I feel different every day and every hour. My daughter says I’m strong but I still feel robbed not only of the future we would have presumably still had but of that connection we should have had over those years his attention wandered. I think he was coming back to me, making plans for what to do and where to go after he retired last year and after I retire later this year which makes it harder. I guess my feelings will still change on a day to day basis as I learn to live by myself. I need to make myself a new life now and try and make new friends. I seem to have lived without them until now and I miss that. My daughter has been amazingly strong and I love her more every day because of it.
@Vjs well you’re a stronger woman than me, that would tear me apart. You say you don’t know what to feel I would feel tremendous anger and sadness but with nowhere for it to go. There are other stories on this site where people have found stuff out about their partner after they died. For me the worst thing that happened was some daft woman rushing up to me at the funeral telling me how my husband used to make her laugh all day long at work and how he didn’t take life too seriously (who says that when someone has just died? ) Thing is he used to come home miserable from work telling me how much he hated it…
Your post made me weep for you I felt the knife in your already broken heart. Your dignity is remarkable
I’m not sure what to say to you or anyone else who sadly finds themselves in this situation so I choose my words carefully and with the utmost respect but I would ask who he spent all those years with. Declarations of love written in cards is a far cry from what you both shared for 45 years but certainly I understand how it has hurt you at an already horrendous time in your life. Do you really want to spoil or question the genuine love that you feel ? You sound to me like a very special lady,allowing everyone else to keep their memories of him while knowing what you do takes a lot of strength. Much as you loved him this was his weakness not yours.
It’s funny that today I felt the need to visit and post on this community, I had known of it of course as my husband was in a sue Ryder hospice for his last two days but even though I’ve felt lonely and missed him terribly I didn’t think it would help. I was wrong. What shocked me when I looked at the posts was that there was so many people hurting deeply and I cried for all of the people that needed the connection just as I have now. I can’t tell you how good it feels to know that you all have spared the time to share your feelings and give your support to a complete stranger when in truth it’s much easier to scroll past. There are many on this site hurting just as deeply if not more so but I thank you for being there for me and I value your thoughts and points of view. I do recall the good times and they thankfully keep me going, today was a bad day and no doubt there will be more but for now I thank you so much knowing others care enough to talk to me.
Edit: meant to be reply to @Vjs
It’s a tough situation and not much is going to make it a great deal better.
All I can say is 6 or 7 years was more than enough time for both of them to have made their move and got together. Fact that they didn’t tells me it was an infatuation and a craving of forbidden attention and not much substance to it beyond that.
Talk is cheap, if it was more than that, they would have made and executed plans to be together.
Not much consolation, I know
@MemoriesOfUs you are absolutely right talk is cheap, action speaks louder than words
@Vjs right now what is important is a love that spanned 45yrs together and the memories you shared.
We are all dealing with loss and all that it brings up so we walk this journey together so yes we care because we feel each other’s heartbreaking journey. Losing a loved partner/husband/wife is not for the faint hearted but we can help build each other’s strength to cope so we actually are not strangers we are a team 
I know tomorrow is another day and thank you for getting me through this one. If you had not suffered a bereavement yourselves you wouldn’t be on this site to start with. Be assured you are in my thoughts now and if I can give support back to you, you can guarantee I will.
I believe there is a personal and positive lesson in grief and that is, we become the best version of ourselves. We go through so much on this unwanted journey that we have such a lot to give and receive. Grief breaks you but it rebuilds you in ways you never thought possible
And it makes us stronger I think. I went through panic, trauma, fear and utter devastation on that day. If I can survive that I can bloody get through anything…x
My daughter sent me this she found, she’s turning out to be very wise…Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go…I know I’m very lucky to have her but I’m greedy and wanted to give and receive my lifetime quota of love. I can’t change what’s happened much as I would wish to and I’ll never be happy with that but I’m not going to forget or give up, worry what’s going to happen months or years from now but take the small wins and try and build a life one day at a time.