I lost my husband on 7th November and he was my only friend, my only social life, my reason for living. He knew how much he meant to me and he was worried that I’d fall apart if anything were to happen to him (his death was sudden & unexpected). He said that, of all of his family, I was the one he worried about if anything happened.
I was distraught and inconsolable after his death - stopped washing, eating, caring. But then his mum had a strict word with me. She said that Paul would not be acting like this if the tables were turned. He was such a positive, loving, kind, caring person. He literally only looked for, and saw, the good in any situation or person. She said that he would be looking at the positives and moving on. She was right - he would have.
Even in my devastation I realised that my life could still sink even lower - I had been left with our dog (we called him our baby) and if anything happened to him it would finish me off. Likewise, I have a sister (my only remaining blood relative) and if anything happened to her, it would be so much worse. My thought process was that, as horrible and devastating as my life currently felt, it could still get worse and so I had to be grateful for the small things that I did have left.
I have mentioned in a post elsewhere (but I’ll repeat it here for clarity) that my husband was so friendly, outgoing, helpful, kind, considerate, etc. He would literally do anything for anyone. He had soooo many friends. At his funeral there was standing room only and they had to open a second room with a viewing screen to hold even more people (that was also packed). He lived life to the full and gave of himself freely. In the wee small hours of the morning (I couldn’t sleep after he died) I’d be lying awake and I realised that he had probably achieved his life mission. Whereas I had lived for him and only him. Whatever my life mission is would never have been achieved if I’d been with him - and so he had to go home (that’s how we referred to the afterlife). We aren’t religious at all - but we are spiritual.
I still had something to do and this meant getting out there and doing it so that I could be with him again. My time will still come, whether I achieve whatever my life goal is or not, but I really do feel that he is still with me. That’s he’s watching me and that I want to make him proud. I want to use his positivity, kindness and gratitude as a template for my own life moving forward. If I can spread positivity, hope or kindness somewhere then I want to do this. I want to leave every place that I visit a better place for me having been there - in his memory.
Some would argue that I’m still living my life for him - but I’m fine with that. I’m ok (not happy) to continue to live my life with him there (albeit it not in the same way as previously).
We had just moved into a bungalow and were busy renovating it - I will be finishing it to the plans that he had made (as if we had finished it together). I talk to him all of the time (because I feel that he is here and is listening). I currently cuddle his photo while sitting watching tv (we used to cuddle each other to watch tv) and I’m waiting for my memory bear to arrive so that I can cuddle up to that instead.
He owned his own business and I’m having to step in with his business partner to learn how to carry this forward FOR HIM (his work was his passion - I once asked him if he was coming home and he said with a serene smile on his face, “I am home.”) I love him so much and I miss him terribly but I will continue to live with him and for him - trying to continue to good work that he started.
Over the weekend I realised that I hadn’t been looking after the bungalow that we’d been so lovingly restoring. I hadn’t done ANY housework since he passed. It would NOT have been like this if he was still here - I kept everything lovely for him. But I didn’t want our home, our mission together, to go to ruination. I remember us working together on all of the things that we did (we did everything ourselves except getting contractors in the literally build the extension). I didn’t want to dishonour this by not taking care of it and cherishing our home and our memories together. If he was standing in the corner and seeing this he’d feel so upset for me. I grabbed a duster and started cleaning and I have to admit that I did feel a little better - the place smelled clean and like it used to do. Again, I was doing it for him, but that’s what makes me happiest.
I still have my down days (yesterday being one) but I just have to remind myself that things actually COULD get worse and to appreciate what I still have (because I’d hate to lose any more than I already have). I am constantly looking for positivity and gratitude - sometimes it’s harder to find than others, but I feel that he is standing looking at me with a proud smile on his face as he softly nods his head - and that’s all I need. 
This is how I’m coping. I’m not sure if it is helpful to anyone, but I thought that I’d write it just in case. I also thought that others might want to include how they are managing in the hope that it might help?
That poem is EXACTLY what Paul will be saying to me too! He was such a positive, giving, outgoing, friendly person and he would want me to continue to try to do this for him too - carry on his positive work. I’m going to print this out and put it somewhere so that I can see it every day. Thank you 
