Hello, I am trying to find some advice with how to be a supportive partner but also taking care of myself. I need some advice navigating a tricky situation around trying to be a supportive partner through my boyfriend’s mom passing away. Any advice would be great!
Here’s a quick backstory. I started dating my current boyfriend 10 months ago. While dating my boyfriend I quickly learned his mom had Chondrosarcoma which is a form of cancer. His mom at the time had been living with cancer for 14 years. She was diagnosed when my boyfriend was 8 and he is now 22. He grew up being not only a caretaker to his mother but he had to look out for his 3 younger siblings. In being the oldest he carried a lot of weight on his shoulders. His family lives in a different state so I had only gotten to know his family through FaceTime. We had been together for 5 months and he invited me to take a trip down to visit his family. Even though in my head I felt like it was maybe too soon to travel with someone I hadn’t been with for that long. I knew it was important for me to meet his mom. She was no longer able to go to the bathroom or eat. All of this was done for her through a osteomy bag and various tubes. She couldn’t walk without a walker and her life was limited to her bed. She has lived like this for the past 3 years. When someone fights cancer for so long you just think they can keep going…
Anyways, I met her back in February and it went very well. Even though she was sleeping for a good majority of the time and on many pain medications. I was very glad to have met her and the rest of my boyfriend’s family. We went home after about a week and about 2 months later at the end of April we got a call from his dad and siblings telling us she has passed away. He flew out to Texas the next day and I drove down with a few of his family members 2 days after to be there for the funeral. While at his house preparing for the funeral and spending time with his family I had never felt closer to him. I really did feel like this was who I was supposed to be with. I even told him I could see myself marrying him in the future. Because in that moment I genuinely felt like he was my person. After the funeral we headed back home. The weeks to follow were beautiful we felt surrounded by love and our connection was stronger than ever.
It has now been 3 months since she passed away and things have changed. I remained super strong for him throughout the first 2 months. Listening, holding him, giving advice, being a listening ear, writing notes and being available for anything and everything. Slowly he got more short with me, fights started to arise, we started having difficulty communicating with each other. One thing I will say is that he is the most kindest person ever and I know it’s killing him that his personality has changed a bit. I think anyone’s would with the loss of a loved one. He is completely aware to the fact that he is short with me at times and does make comments that hurt me. He does apologize and then things are good. But that only lasts so long until something else arises.
I feel selfish for missing who he used to be. I have always dealt with anxiety but in our relationship I found a lot of comfort. I don’t find that comfort anymore I find more stress. I recently decided to go back to therapy after 5 years because I am all the sudden having extreme OCD about death and our relationship. What if this is the wrong relationship? Why can’t we communicate? I sometimes try to open up about things I am currently struggling with but it’s not always met with the best reactions. Or he gives me some support but then the next day it’s back to helping him. So I keep my mouth shut. Waiting for the day I too feel like I can lean on him again.
I feel like I’m in such a unique circumstance because we have dealt with the passing of a parent only 7 months into our relationship. We are young and his mom was 45 so she was also young.
I’m so conflicted because our relationship has been great but as of recently it’s been a source of more anxiety than peace. Any advice would be great! Thank you!
