Less than one week ago, I lost my husband of 33 years. I am 54 years old and started dating him when I was 12. We were best friends, lovers, spouses, we were everything to each other. How do you not go crazy with people contacting you that your spouse haven’t seen nor heard from in years who act as if they’re the only ones hurting. I am hearing from schoolmates that have been out of our lives for decades and I sit on the phone listening to them cry and ask me how they are going to get along without him. Even a sibling that has nothing to do with his family called and literally told me that I couldn’t understand how much his death is going to impact her. I lost my brother when he was 27, I understand that loss. I have lost both parents. I understand that loss. How can I deal with these people?
So sorry about losing your husband, it`s such a horrific shock. Personally, I have to shut the conversation down when people still keep saying how shocked they are about Norm`s sudden death, how the bloody hell do they think i felt, and still feel. Neighbours saying how much they miss hearing his loud laughter, I say, yep, I miss it too actually, and I have to walk away. I have found over the last 7 months some people I actively avoid as I know what they`ll say, a couple of others I chat with as they are happy just to chat about Norm. Just tell them how devastated you are over losing your beloved soulmate, and be prepared to shut the conversation down if they want to make it all about them. Wishing you some peace. xx
Dear RJ
I’m so sorry you have lost your husband too and so recently. I think we are allowed to say and do what we want at this time. I’m never rude but I can say, I’m sorry I can’t do this now. Some people don’t take the hint so an, I’m afraid I have to go now this is too difficult for me. Please be kind to yourself. I hope you have family and friends that are there for you x
Hi @Rjbutler71
I am sorry you lost your husband and so recently as well .
I hope you have family and friends around you .
It difficult when people make it all about them , They have no idea how you will be feeling. If you’re on the phone I would just say you have to go and put the phone down.
It is one day at a time , 13 months for me and I still take it day by day .
Hi, I’m so sorry for your loss. Thankfully I didn’t have anyone speaking to me like like that but I had to shut down some conversations, as I be was just too overwhelmed in the earlier months to talk about my partner’s death. Just do what you feel is right for you, you don’t have to engage with these people if you don’t want to especially as you have no recent contact with them. Take one day at a time as getting through the next few months will be difficult. I hope you have some support in this dreadful time. Take care.
Hi Helen,
Thank you for your kind words and your excellent suggestion. However, my biggest problem is one of my sister-in-laws(I have five) and “C” is the only sibling to not ask how I am or if she can help in anyway. She literally said to me today that I couldn’t understand the pain that she’s in for losing her brother (whom she had not seen in the past five years) and how devastated she is going to be going forward.** At 24 years old I lost my brother. I have known this woman for 40 years. She knows I have lost a brother and apparently has forgotten. The only communication I have had with her is two texts one about how she missed him and the other about why one of her sons isn’t a pallbearer. (The kids have also not contacted me and were never close to my husband ) She called today to complain that no one had invited her into the family limousine. She has not once attended any of the preparations for the wake or the funeral which are happening tomorrow and the following day. She did not join the family for creating the memory boards. Literally all she has done is contact me, no one else in her family, and made it all about her. I responded by saying I didn’t care about the drama, that I was too tired and would not deal with it, and told her that no one had set out to exclude her from the family car. That the discussions revolving around my inviting people into the family car were all conducted during events that people attended to prepare for this god-awful event, to which she and all memb members were invited via a group text message. Then she told me she was angry at the her sisters for not specifically calling to invite her into the car, let me say it again that I AM paying for. I am sure there are going to be hurt feelings, but I told her that I don’t want or need drama right now, that I am just too exhausted to deal with it. I am living off of crackers and ginger ale because I can’t hold anything down, i have not slept more than 3 hours a night and typically those aren’t consecutive. Almost every single member of the 34 sisters, brothers, nieces and nephews have sent photographs, memories, or even asked how are you, except for “c” and her family. It will all be over in two days, but to be completely honest my husband still had hard feelings against this woman for the way she treated my father in law as he was passing.
I explained to her that I am paying for the family car, I am paying for the funeral, I am paying for the luncheon afterwards.
I want to tell her if she is going to create drama because she needs to be in a family car, no one is stopping her from renting one. I really really really really really want to contact this woman and tell her not to even come if she can’t behave like an adult. This is the last thing I want to be dealing with. I am devastated. I am broken. I am lost, and yet she wants to have petty family fights. She wants to make sure that everyone knows how much pain she’s in. A family friend asked me to point this woman out so they could run interference if she tried to come near me during the wake or funeral and my response was she will be the one keening and wearing a black veil. Because apparently no one feels as deeply saddened as she does. Then she has the audacity to tell me that she wants to come over and have lunch or dinner with me. Not invite me to dinner, not invite me to lunch. She wants to come over so I can cook her dinner. WTF is wrong with people. i’m really sorry for the long rant. But if I bring it up to another sister-in-law it will just create more drama and I have no family to speak of. I don’t know if anyone will actually read this novel that I’ve written, but it was good to be able to get it off my chest. If you’ve made it this far, I’m sorry for being so long winded(typed) Bless all of you out there that are dealing with loss. You are not alone and you have people in your corner. Even if that corner is one little corner of the Internet half a world away. Love and light to you all.
Thank you @ Helen 39 I will try my best but I just want to scream and cry and completely breakdown. I keep telling myself it is over on Saturday and I can just meltdown completely after that. It makes it all the more difficult to deal with people that are so self involved. I will absolutely keep your wording in mind the next time something like this happens.
@ Sherbert I will definitely be trying to make it happen one day at a time and I know your loss is no less painful for the year that is past. I hope you are continuing to take time to just breathe and care for yourself.
@Norma1 thank you and I hope you continue to have love and support in dealing with the loss of your partner. And I must say I am thankful that I found this site. I may never meet any of you in person, but it feels so good to know there are people who are willing to support me right now. Thank you all!
She sounds a complete nightmare, personally I would drop her like a hot stone, you have enough to deal with without her histrionics. I did love your comment, “even if that corner is one little corner of the internet half a world away”. I have been feeling lately I have no one left to fight my corner, people are downright weird the way they treat you after you lose your soulmate. I would not engage with her any further, it is too painful a time as it is without her making it worse. xx
Dear RJ
Please put this woman out of your head, you have enough happening at the moment to deal with. Let your friend protect you tomorrow, the last thing you need is any drama from her. I hope all goes to plan, I’m sure it will. The build up is horrendous but hopefully after some of the stress ease. Sending you a hug x