How can I go on?

I lost my husband of 45 very suddenly at the beginning of September. Until the beginning of October I had my younger son with me and both he and my older son have been wonderful both with support and help with the myriad of paperwork. I am now on my own and finding it increasingly difficult to cope. I do work, which helps a little but I’m crying more and more and having mild panic attacks. All I want is to talk to him and share my day with him. I now worry about what will happen if I get I’ll, who will look after me. I just ne
ed reassurance that what I’m feeling is normal. Thank you.

Bless you it’s normal to cry and feel lonely.Dont be afraid to tell work mates and friends that your struggling.

There is nothing more terrifying in this life than the loss of someone you love, and nothing can prepare you for the shock fear amd panic that follows. All the cliches about time making it easier are just rubbish…sorry…but you have to absorb the pain …embrace it…accept it as normal. Without great love there is no grief. Yes time will blunt the edges and you learn to walk through life again…but that love is part of you forever. Some days you will laugh and feel almost normal…others you will crawl into bed and just weep. Its part of the process…your family and friends can sympathise and offer support…but the sadness is yours.Its how it has to be…but miraculously…we survive it…again…its what we do.we were born to this…be thankful for the love even though it brings you pain…love is everything. …it never dies xxx

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It is such early days for you and it it so hard to see past each day. I’ve learnt to take a day at a time and not expect too much of myself. It’s almost one year for me now and I am still struggling through parts of the day. My son and his wife recently had a new baby and I feel so guilty because I can’t feel the joy of him. I feel numb most of the time but I am getting some glimmers of hope for the future. Take care and try to accept I think that is the key but in the early months it’s so hard. Take care of yourself. X

My goodness Sue,how very very true! What a lovely understanding post. I go along with every word. Bless you. XX

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Thank you Sue, for a wonderful post.

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Thank you for your kind words. I really don’t know what else to say. It does help that there are so many out there who understand what I’m going through. Thank you again xx

I lost my husband suddenly in September. He was 48. Tears everyday. Incredible loneliness. Panic attacks. Considering reaching out to a psychic. Before I lost Pete I wouldn’t have believed in psychics but I am absolutely desperate for some kind of connection or sign from him. Hope this doesn’t mean I’m going crazy.

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Hi there, Yes, unfortunately it’s normal. Panic, fear, anxiety, grief in abundance, sorry don’t want to upset you further but that’s what we have to face for loving.
Sue has said it all. Take each day, try to accept the grief.Some days will be bad, some will be a bit better. We all grieve differently no right or wrong way.
If you need support stick with the forum we all understand and you will never be alone.
xx
I am coming up to my first year and honestly thought I would be over the worst by now, never in my wildest dreams did I think it would be like this, never did I understand what grief really meant. Like so many other people I worry about what will happen if I’m ill, what will happen to my dogs if I can’t get help, or I collapse when out. I am arranging to text (and I never text) a member of my family most days so that if I don’t send one they can check on me, however it’s the dogs I worry about the most.
I talk to my husband every day and write a letter to him telling him what sort of day I’ve had, what I’ve been doing. I don’t plan what I write I just let it all pour out. It does help a little.

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You’re not going crazy. It’s not being crazy, it is searching for what is lost through whatever means possible. Accepting the total finality has been the hardest task I have ever faced. I lost my Che the end of June. I could always sense him in my mind, and we were always voicing the others unspoken thoughts - a very deep connection we used to delight in. And then he was gone - just gone - I couldn’t feel him or hear him inside myself. I still haven’t dreamed about him & that is very sad for me. The signs that bring some comfort to others were not signs to me. I was terrified that I would just be deluding myself if I believed in them, but at the same time I so desperately wanted “something” . Now I don’t know if he is with me, but I do talk to him a bit and if the responses are my own creation so be it, it now brings me some comfort, sometimes…It’s kind of like being my own personal psychic.
Tears and panic attacks are part of this horrible emotion called grief. Don’t hesitate to ask for professional help with your panic attacks. Our whole being is under attack and tries to defend itself. Emotionally, all our guards have been destroyed. Remember to breathe - breathe,regroup, and breathe again. And allow yourself to mourn - let yourself cry whenever the urge arises - let it out and then breathe & regroup. I had 2 days at the about the 6wk mark where I did not cry - I felt guilty, but oh it felt good not to cry. I cry every day - sometimes it just hits like a bomb, other times I can feel it surging through me first - some days I cry all day I’m so sad - others it’s controllable or safely tucked away . We have to cry - we have to release all this pent up pain.
Be gentle with yourself - healing takes time

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Thank you for your reply. I talk to my husband too. I write to him in my journal and I talk to him out loud. I beg him to give me some sign he is still with me in some way. I have had a day or two with no tears but those are the days when I just completely withdraw and sink. It’s probably better to stay present and cry. It’s just so much sadder at that level.

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That’s exactly what I am doing Moor - I write in my journal every night and share my day with my husband - I keep asking if he can give me a sign that he is around or ok… I feel he is close. I am very up and down but I know it will be like that for sometime so can accept it - have so many beautiful memories of our time together - he would want me to remain strong - but it’s a challenge - just miss him xxx

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So very well put Sue. I lost my darling Terry 47 weeks ago just before Christmas! Every day is a challenge and it is like learning to walk again !! I have great support from family and friends but they have their own lives to lead which I totally understand. My greatest comfort is that we had 25 years together and to the end still very much in love. I have quite a few friends who have never experienced a relationship as ours and as a lot of people on this site. We must be strong, make them proud of us and laugh when we can, cry when we need to and I always look at the ring on my finger and ask myself what he would have wanted for me. Take care all xxx Be kind to yourself and take one step at a time xx

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Hi there, so very well said, I like your attitude. I know it’s hard but we must try to remember that love and how blessed we have been, be strong for our loved ones.
I am looking at my rings (I wear his as well) now, as you do and know that Brian would have wanted me to carry on with my life. He even told me to marry again as I was a good wife. Not likely to happen he was my one true love and can’t be replaced. Thank you for reminding us.

xxx

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I also wear my husband’s reign next to mine. As soon as I managed to get it home from Greece I put it on and it felt like the right thing to do. I notice I get a bit of strength from it being there. It reminds me of the person he made me into and that we shared a bond that will never break. He never wore it on his wedding finger because he had a broken wonky knuckle from rugby, he wore it on his little finger…so it fits me . Don’t think I’ll ever stop wearing it x

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What a co-incidence Brian had to stop wearing his ring as he had a wonky knuckle and although he could get the ring on, just, it was then a bit big and caught on things, so I had it altered for me and I wore it for him. I also will never stop wearing it, just as I carry his wallet in my bag and have even put some money in it for him. His photo is on the front of my bus pass. We find ways of keeping them with us don’t we. We also spent a lot of time in Greece. We found an Island that suited us as we are ramblers and it had good walking country. He wanted his ashes scattered in the mountains there but it wasn’t allowed although I did keep some back in a small urn but in the end can’t face going out there alone. So he will have to be content with sitting on the coffee table where I can keep an eye on him.
xxx

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