2 weeks ago today I lost my beautiful 41 year old daughter. It was sudden and unexpected. Me and her stepdad found her dead on the floor In her house. We won’t know the cause for 4-6 weeks. She was my best friend we spoke at least once every day.
As a mum I feel like I have not kept her safe.
The pain is a physical yearning in my chest. I don’t want to be here, I want to be with her, holding her, but I can not leave my husband, son and daughter in law.
She left 2 daughters, one of them aged 17 lived with us on and off because we spoiled her. We have now become her legal guardians.
I know she has lost her mum and is grieving but she is being horrid to me and her grandad. She is trying to take control of the funeral which is next week and we have given her some control but obviously not all. She is treating the whole affair as though it is about her with dramatic mourning attire and hats with veils not about her mum, my daughter.
I have always lived by the rule you never end on an argument and at bed time with her and my own children have always said god bless, love you and see you in the morning. J said this to the granddaughter last night and she just ignored me. It just feels like another layer of pain on top of wanting my daughter back.
My son. Daughter in law, husband and myself are all grieving differently but are helping one another, the granddaughter won’t let us in to help, nor will she help us.
Winston’s Wish provides grief and bereavement support for children and young people (up to 25) after the death of someone important. They have a helpline that you can call free on 08088 020 021 between 8am-8pm, weekdays. They also have a live chat feature on their website.
Hi Bam,
Im sorry to hear of your loss, sending my deepest sympathies to you. There really is no pain like that of losing a child.
Much love to you and your grandaughter, you are in my thoughts.
Bam, I am so sorry your precious daughter died. It is the worst thing any parent can endure, no matter how old the child is. I think your grand daughter is angry which is one phase of grief and that she is trying to control something - anything - in her life.
She needs help that no one in the family can give. Seek professional counseling. It is hard for us adults to fathom, imagine a 17 year old’s confusion.
My daughter died 3 years ago, my grandaughters were 15 and 17. Understandably they behaved in an erratic and upsetting to watch way. I had no idea how to help them. I got counselling for myself and the counsellor gave me some good advice. She said if I stay solid towards them they would come to me, maybe not tomoro but before too long. I did that and, over time it has proved to be good advice. You are grieving and so are they. It’s not easy for you or them, no one wanted what’s happened. It’s early days and you are all heartbroken. Give yourself space to grieve, let them know in actual words that you love them and feel shit too. Tell them you are always there. Don’t expect them to take it onboard instantly but least you are sure they understand you care and will listen when they want to talk. I said to my 2 grandkids that they can come to me for issues they would have taken to their mum. It’s painful just saying that cos it means acnowledging that their mums gone. It doesnt ‘fix’ anything but it means they understand they are your priority. They do come to me but it took time and always being patient. Now it gives me a bit of comfort to know I am giving them a bit of the love they are missing from their mum. I’m so sorry for your loss xxxx