How Can We Help Them ?

I feel for all of the people that post on the Forum. Some of the stories are utterly heart breaking and complex cries for help, though, and I just feel that anything I might write would be quite inadequate.
The obvious inadequacy might make things worse for these poor sufferers, as tending to reinforce their view that nothing anybody can say will help.
I’m sure that the cases I have in mind will be obvious.
I wish I had the words to help them.

I’m finding that I would struggle to post much that was relevant to the newly bereaved, or maybe I’ve just lost that need. I think I felt much more authentic when I was in that moment and that I could more clearly identify and feel that degree of pain. I don’t seem to have the incentive to turn back the clock and post about my past experience. As a person I feel I could support someone in a much better way than a year ago, but in all probability it would be from the head rather from the heart, in a way of speaking.
I find myself reading posts and thinking I can’t answer this or I don’t want to answer this. I think there are likely to be those at a similar stage with more relevant, sincere and authentic experiences, and, like you say, my thoughts could make things worse.

You are further advanced than me and yet I’ve appreciated many of your comments and your overall views. Just throwing that out there

Your comments and views have helped me even though you’re more advanced on this journey than I am, Edwin. I’m sure you wouldn’t make things worse. Nothing anyone says to me could make anything any worse. I’m sure this works for others too. The fact people take the time to care enough and respond is often more than enough. Carry on Edwin!

Hello Edwin. You have so kindly put into words what I also have been thinking. I now feel that what I say is so inadequate although I am only four months into my own grief.
My heart goes out to some of these people and I so wish I could do more for them. I find myself thinking about some of them and wondering how they are, and when I come into the forum I search for them to see what is happening to them. I’m worried about them.
You are right we can only say the same things. I can’t even say that things will get better. I am fighting my own battle but I do know that I am going to get there one day but some of these poor people sound so lost and helpless and for sure need a helping hand… Like you I too wish I could do so much more. I actually cry with them. Bless you Edwin

YorkshireLad, make no mistake you have helped a good many of us with your sound and sensible words even when suffering your own grief. I have found that there does come a time when you don’t want to keep re-living your own loss, at first it helped to know there was others in the same situation but like you I find myself having nothing that I can say to help the newly bereaved. I cry with them as I read their posts and how helpless and in such pain they are. I am in pain but I can forget it a little when I read of others grief. It’s obvious that some of these people are going to find it a hard slog to get some ‘normality’ in their lives. For me I am doing exactly the same as Brian and I did together. We led a busy life. It’s just that I am sort of alone now. I say sort, because I now have the knack of including him in everything I am doing. So he’s not so far away. I will always advise that it’s wise to keep busy, don’t sit about letting the brain run riot. That is what’s helps me anyway. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in limbo land therefore I am determined that I will get there one day. Make no mistake I shed a few tears everyday.

I think that says more about you than it does about me. I doubt I’ve said anything that you hadn’t worked out for yourself. I was just confirming things. You just get it.

Like cw you are another that I could see as a determined person with a survival instinct. Not sure about the gardening though!
I always look forward to reading your stories, even if I do feel tired afterwards.
I suppose I feel sort of alone… it’s a nice way of putting it. I think that once we have worked out that the brain is all we are, and all we do, then we realise we have more capacity to change than we realised

Now nearly two months from the death of my partner, I found that the comments made on the forum helped a great deal in the initial stages of my grief.
To know I wasn’t alone in feeling something akin to desolation but also the constructive suggestions in moving forward all made me think more positively about the future.
There are so many projects to do, though I still don’t enjoy mixing cement!
Guess I find as long as I can keep my mind and body active then there is almost an automatic coping mode.
Perhaps it’s time to spend less time on the site as I get stronger just dipping in now and again as the need arises.

I too have recently decided to spend a little less time on the site…partly for my own sake but also because I doubt sometimes whether my thoughts are help or hindrance…every time I log on I am reminded of being on a beach with each wave bringing yet more grief as it rolls inwards and sometimes it makes me incredibly sad!! The thing is, though, that this phase of our lives has made all of us so much more aware of our fleeting existence and the very fact that we post on here reveals that we are all human beings trying to reach out to each other… to both find and offer comfort if we can… and actually shows that a little good has come out of our personal tragedy. Not every post will resonate and not every suggestion be welcome to all but this site reminds us that there are many others walking parallel paths and doing their best to discover a different way of living in an uncertain future.
We have just had the most beautiful weather in the midst of winter…our lives now reflect just that…a little sunshine and then more rain…but if we can just learn to accept that there is a season for everything we may still find purpose and occasional joy in breathing!
Thank you everyone…take care x

1 Like

The beach and the wave was so true! Just to read about yet more grief wasn’t helping me I’m afraid.
Thank you Yorkshire Lad for bringing reasoning to this forum, like you I shall keep walking and my mind occupied.
Can recommend Tai Chi which I only started today.
Though a contemplative excercise the humour within the group, as we struggled with the correct movements, meant that I found I laughed without feeling guilty for probably the first time!
I shall always miss my partner and always shed tears but I also need humour and laughter to enable me to carry on living without him.

Yes, I agree at first I was amazed at how many people were suffering exactly the same as me, you don’t give it much thought when you have your loved ones with you. I too do my best to keep mind and body active and pray that I will be able to do so for a long time to come. I have thought that perhaps I should pull away from the site a little now but when I feel alone and tearful if I just come on for a while I feel so much better having a ‘chat’. So perhaps I’m not ready to leave just yet.

So very well said and so wise. I have always believed that everything happens for a reason and something is to be learned by what we have to experience in life.
A friend said to me yesterday, when I mentioned that I was angry that Brian had left me. that it was his time to go, he was in pain, now he isn’t. I’m pleased about that so am I now crying for my own plight. If I think about it, I do still get some joy in life. I enjoy my dogs who make me laugh at their antics. I laugh when they fight for the best place in the bed along side me as we all cuddle up at night. I enjoy my gardening and watch the new growth appearing. I love the countryside and walking with stunning scenery all around. We will never stop nature, so embrace it. Yes, thinking about it I do get enjoyment and do laugh, although I miss my Brian so much. But is he happier now, is he content and am I worrying about him for nothing. Perhaps I’m moving onto another phase of my grief.

Dear Amelie’sgran, your post has brought me back to the quote

‘Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass,
It’s about learning how to dance in the rain.’

Thank you for your comforting words…

Dear Pattidot, what a great positive post. Thank you, it’s just what is needed. I hope we all can embrace life as you suggest. I am currently reading a book about gratitude which guides the reader to focussing on not what we’ve lost but what we had…

Hello Kate. I am looking forward to the day I can get comfort with what we had. At the moment it cracks me up to think about it.