Struggling after loss of my beloved husband of 46 years - I just feel empty
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Hi Hopeful
Your right, empty just about sums it up. Lost my lovely wife of 46yrs too. This is the place to let it all out. Were all in the same boat…John
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I understand and I’m thinking of you. Was in floods of tears today.
Sorry for your loss
I’m too feeling empty as well as lost lonely guilty and scared how do we survive this?
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It’s awful, I guess it’s minute by minute at times. Mornings are worse for me,evenings not great, not that any time of the day is normal. LinseyMark, please don’t feel guilty. Pm anytime. Im scared too.
It’s hard not to feel guilty if I’d done things differently my love would/could still be here
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I understand what you mean about the mornings being the worst. I have to make a real effort to get out of bed each day. Lost my husband of 37 years just over 4 weeks ago and absolutely cannot believe he’s gone. I have this horrible anxious feeling all time - it’s almost fear, and I panic if i have to go out in the car. Can’t do it by myself and Mum or a friend comes with me. Is any of this normal, and does get easier with time. As each day goes by I miss Keith more - we did everything together and were never apart for more than a few days in the whole 41 years we were together.
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I can get out a bit more by myself now but still hard. I prefer someone with me. Me and my partner did lots together too eg the grocery shopping, this freaks me out more now. Apparently it gets better. It’s nearly three weeks since he passed for me. Actually crying more heavily like at the start when he passed as time goes on. The funeral is in a week though. I feel more drained too.
So you’re very early on in this horrible journey as well. I have a disability and use a wheelchair outdoors, and Keith was my carer as well as my husband. This meant we did pretty much everything together - shopping, weekends away, socialising with friends and family were all possible for me because of his help. He was my rock and I miss him so much. Like you, I find myself in floods of tears more and more as time passes. The awful memories of the days leading up to his passing are still strong so the grief is tied up with that at the moment, and with each day that passes I feel as though I am moving further and further away from him. It’s a very odd feeling but I think you just have to go with it and wait for the pain to subside a little so that the good memories can surface again.
You’ve waited quite a long time for the funeral too, which doesn’t help, as you’re in a kind of limbo until then. There was a delay for us too, as our local council were dealing with a backlog and we waited nearly three weeks for the funeral. Everyone said I would get some closure after the funeral and to some extent I did, and I think I will also feel better when Keith’s ashes come home later this week.
I was terrified I was going to make a fool of myself at Keith’s funeral and throw myself on his coffin or something (which I have witnessed at a friend’s funeral - just awful). In the event, I think nature took over and my brain kind of parked me on autopilot and I got through it with the help of his two sisters, who have been, and still are, so supportive. It was a gloriously sunny day, the flowers were beautiful, and the funeral car was a modern one with huge windows and a sunroof, so it was filled with light and sunshine. I had ask for a special route which avoided the hospital where he passed away, as I couldn’t bear to go anywhere near it. The funeral director really took it to heart and the route was through some lovely countryside - I remember thinking that we gave Keith a beautiful final journey. The service went perfectly and was really well attended. We collected a lot of money for my chosen charity and at the reception afterwards, there were some lovely memories of Keith via old photos that some of his closest friends and relatives had brought, and we all talked about him and raised a glass to his memory.
Although a part of me was dreading it, I found some comfort in the fact that it was so beautiful and exactly how he would have wanted it. I hope with all my heart that the same will be true for you. Lean on those who love you and let them support you, and you’ll get through it I promise. Will you post again on here after the funeral and let me know how it went, and how you’re doing ?
Pam. xx.
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Why do you feel like that ? I completely understand if you prefer not to answer such a personal question, but are you sure you don’t feel guilty over something you could not have changed ? Grief is a terrible thing to deal with and I suppose feelings of guilt are inevitably tied up in it for a lot of people, but it’s important to recognise that some things are beyond our control.
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Hi Pam
Your right, You do have to just go with it. It does get better. Im into my 8th week now since my Annie passed. The opposite i know, but i was full time carer for the last few years to, as she had MND, and was unable walk ect in the end.
I thought it impossible of ever getting getting past all the pain and anguish, and thought life not worth living without her, only a few weeks ago. Things are slightly improving, still get emotional at times, but the outside world, has become a bit more bearable now.
I have found it truly important, to talk to family and friends, Let them visit you, and you visit them. Just normal Talking to people. Talk talk talk! and try never to be lonely. There is always people that care.
We had a lovely funeral for my Annie too, and i had a small pouch of her ashes given to me, which some was put into lockets for the daughters. Shes to be interned this week at local village cemetery.
So yes…just have to go with the flow…things will work out, and i will never forget the lovely memories we had over our 46yrs…John
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Hi Pam
It’s ok for you to ask that question a lot of family have asked Me too my mark passed away suddenly from bacterial meningitis caused by an ear infection he had he was in icu for 4 days he passed away March 17th this year aged 42
when he first got his ear infection it was January I asked him several times to go to the doctors but he always refused (he hadn’t seen a doctor for nearly 20 years ) as the months went on I was saying please go as the pain was getting worse but again he refused saying it was getting better so I left it (first reason for feeling guilty ) if I’d just got him to the doctors then maybe things could be different
2nd reason on the morning of March 14th he woke me saying he felt unwell going dizzy and could hardly walk I phoned the doctors to make an appointment for him and asked his dad if he could take him as I had to go to work
When I was leaving for work mark was in bed I asked him if he would be ok he said yes then he whispered something I didn’t catch what he said so I asked him to repeat but he didn’t
So off to work I went I got a call an hour later saying he had collapsed in the spare bedroom I rushed home to see the ambulance there I feel guilty because i shouldn’t have left him to go to work knowing that he was unwell and what did he whisper?? Did he ask me to stay ?? Not to leave him ?? What was he thinking when I just left him ?? I should have trusted my instincts but didn’t I should have done something earlier but didn’t these thoughts go around my head daily and i dont ever think they will go
I miss him so much we were together 20 years he was my first love