How do I carry on?

It was a very tearful day yesterday but I did get to bring Alan home. My emotions were so mixed up. I was happy to bring him home but yet it made everything so final. I knew he was never coming back but I think a part of me had not really accepted it until yesterday.
I was meant to be going and helping my friend beforehand but ended up sitting in traffic for over forty five minutes. In the heat that was not too pleasant but by time I got there it was too late. Anyway no harm was done and she understood
Iā€™m glad you got out and spent some time with your friend. I think sometimes we need somebody to drag us out, otherwise as you say we think about what we have lost. Iā€™m glad you felt abit better afterwards as well. Donā€™t feel guilty for walking at your pace, if she did not want to go with you she would not have. I always walk really fast but have to remind myself to slow down when Iā€™m with people.
Today Iā€™m trying to make a positive day. I had to go to the jobcentre to check in but that went ok. Tried staying out abit to make myself be around people but that did not work as it was too hot. Now at home melting.
Big hugs back to you
Emma xx

Meant to add I hope the counselling went well for you xx

Its nice to hear Alan is back with you where he belongs and I would imagine you will be put together when anything happens to you. I have left instructions to say that is my wish. It sounds like you have an understanding friend. Iā€™m going to see her at her flat tomorrow so at least thatā€™s another day taken care of. It sounds awful when you say it like that. Hope your job hunting goes alright when you start looking. My counselling went ok. Just one question she asked me which i couldnā€™t answer as it upset me, but she was quite happy to move on. I just think that you can talk about it all you want and be asked many questions but at the end of the day iā€™m sure that hurt is still going to be there. If youā€™re like me no matter what youā€™re doing or who youā€™re talking to, about any subject in the world, Alan is still in my thoughts. Hope your day is good tomorrow and not to down beat. Take care. Love and hugs Janet xxx

Sorry did not hear phone. I was sewing a memory blanket for my husband. Doing it by hand, keeps me busy and more love put into it that way.
Yes I have got him on his bedside table and thatā€™s where he will stay until itā€™s my turn. Then we will be scattered together. Not sure who by as not got any children and I canā€™t have any. Probably my younger sister, need to write my wishes down really.
Yes my friend is really understanding. I just felt like crying when I was sat in traffic so long, but driving and crying donā€™t mix too well. Iā€™m glad you are getting some company with your friend abit. Most days to me feel like such an effort to move but I usually feel slightly better if I do. Iā€™ve got a quiet day tomorrow nothing planned so will have to make myself go for a walk, maybe on the beach but alot of memories down there. It does sound horrible wishing the days away but I like yourself would not care if I was still around. I would so like to be with Alan and to me the sooner it comes the better.
The job centre will leave me alone for a month as I put a sick note in. I was refused access to the job centre at first as I was twenty minutes early. They told me you are only allowed to be ten minutes early come back later. Felt more positive today but had some tears earlier on.
Iā€™m glad the counselling went well. Yes Alan is always in my thoughts no matter where I am or who Iā€™m talking to. The trouble with questions are they sometimes have to be the right ones or they upset you more. Is it video or one to one counselling you are having?.
Enjoy tomorrow. Iā€™m wide awake, and it does not seem to bode well for me sleeping tonight. Try and get some rest.
Big hugs and love
Emma

I often feel Iā€™m living in two worlds. The one full of grief and sadness, the other the outside world that seems to be going along quite well. I find things that used to interest me no longer do. Like Prime Ministers and such. To be honest I just couldnā€™t care less. Not the attitude of a good citizen I know, but does it matter?
This ā€˜other worldā€™ of grief has brought me up with a sharp jolt. It has made me realise what real suffering is like, and I have become a lot more tolerant and understanding. So some good has come out of the pain. I used to be very impatient. Not any more. Days pass and I am learning ā€˜a day at a timeā€™.
Itā€™s still hard and will be for a while. I will never forget my dear wife, but I do realise that we should try and move on.
Inertia is not good in grief. If we are not careful we can become stuck in feelings of ā€˜why botherā€™. Take care everyone.

3 Likes

Hi Emma That is so nice that you are making a memory blanket for Alan. I have never heard of anything like that, but it sounds like a wonderful thing to do. There will be plenty of love put into it. You definitely need to make sure your wishes are known about your ashes being scattered together. We had quite an enjoyable day out but travelling on buses in this heat is a bit too much to bear. I am quite envious of you if you live near the seaside. I always used to say to Alan that if you were on your own, living at the seaside wouldnā€™t seem as lonely, as there always seems to be a really good atmosphere with plenty of seats along the promenade and holidaymakers in a nice mood. I used to say I would think I would feel less lonely than in a small town. The mood of the holidaymakers seems to reflect back. Its something Iā€™ve always thought but donā€™t know if its true. It is an effort to move and do anything but I also think it helps you to be more upbeat. I always say to myself well Alan wouldnā€™t let this get like this, which helps to spur me on a bit. Hope your quiet day was ok and not too upsetting. That was a bit mean at the job centre to not let you in. Things like that are upsetting. The counselling I have is on here. It is an app. that you have to download so your able to see one another. They tell you the instructions what to do. Speak soon. Take care. Love and hugs Janet xx

Hi Janet
Yes I am making a memory blanket using material and things that remind me of Alan . I have been offered the use of a machine but have plenty of time on my hands. Also plenty of love to put in it. It was my neighbours suggestion, she did something similar when her husband died for her children. I was going to use the word kids but just got the thought in my head of Alan, he used to day using the word kids made children sound like goats. Sorry straying off there in my mind. Iā€™m also putting little pockets in to keep special mementos.
Yes I only live about 20 minutes walking distance from the beach, 10 by car but I like walking. Before we moved house beginning of this year we lived only 10 minutes walking distance from the beach but three floors up in a flat. My husband
used to enjoy getting up at 4 in the morning ( that was our normal time to get up every day come rain or shine ) and we would walk all the way along the sea front , north to south. We then went home and had breakfast , which we were both more than ready for about 5am. I miss them days so much. It kept us fit if nothing else was gained, although it was quiet and lovely and peaceful at that time.
Not the flat as he got to the point where he could hardly walk, only with my support. The house is better for that side. I think he would have got agrophobic if we had stayed in the flat. I would have struggled to get him to treatment in the flat but we moved just in time. I used to do the walk with him in a wheelchair towards the end ( but quite hilly around here) or in the car. We could both drive and he loved the sound of the sea.
Yes we do get alot of holiday makers ( grockels Alan called them ) and itā€™s amazing how many do speak. He used to drive coaches in his younger days for a holiday company. A lot come on coach visits and are very friendly and appreciate the seaside. Iā€™ve got used to it somewhat with being born here.
Well i forced myself to go out yesterday and then sat by the pier for a bit. It was a very tearful day ( the tears are never far away)but trying to go places we both enjoyed bit by bit. I canā€™t walk to the same place each day.
Thinking I might drive up to the Moors today. Itā€™s not far away, about 45 minutes drive and another place we both went often. Might offer my friend to go with me if she wants, sheā€™s a bit older than me and canā€™t drive.
Alan hated being stuck in the house on a nice day ( unless he was too badly to get out) so I use this to spur me on abit. If he was too badly to go far I would get him into the garden for a bit, which he enjoyed seeing me gardening. Iā€™ve got runner beans, strawberries, beetroot and tomatoes growing( all of which Alan planted from seed). Itā€™s just a shame I have no appetite and hate cooking for one.
Well itā€™s nearly 4am and Iā€™m wide awake after about two hours sleep. Think I will get up and sit in the garden for a bit before the heat kicks in and listen to the seagulls. I prefer snow as not so warm but hate driving in snow!. Noisy things they are!.
Iā€™m glad the counselling is offering you some support as well.
Sorry for rambling down memory lane. Iā€™m improving though, no tears yet!.
Hope you have a positive day today. I used to have a favourite teacher that said " do something every day that makes you or somebody else happy and the days not wasted ".
Take care and big hugs
Emma xx

1 Like

Hello Emma Your memory blanket sounds more wonderful by the minute. Sewing was never my thing. Prefer to knit or crochet or even embroidery. Talking of neighbours I donā€™t even have them to talk to. Well I do but none of them have been here very long so didnā€™t know Alan very well. The neighbours on either side and immediately across the road are all new and only young. There are some a bit higher up the road but rarely see them. Alan spoke to them more than I did as he was more outgoing. They came to his funeral and said they would miss him especially when the snow comes. He would be out there shovelling the snow then gritting the hill and he was probably the oldest one up there. Alan could sew and knit amongst all the other more manly things. When our youngest was born we knitted a shawl between us and it was quite a lacey pattern. There was nothing he wouldnā€™t try. Wish iā€™d kept it now. See you have moors and beach how lucky you are. Sounds idyllic. I have no one to go walking with as iā€™m not far from the moors. I keep looking at property for sale but they say you shouldnā€™t do anything in a hurry and Alan did such a lot in this house. He never cured the damp though. I can actually drive but didnā€™t start until I was in my forties and packed up shortly after I started. Only driven once on my own and that was to work one day when Alan wasnā€™t feeling well and thatā€™s only about a mile away. Drove a bit with Alan as my passenger but he never really liked other people driving. He learnt to drive when he was in the police force so he was a bit of a perfectionist. They used to say he was too cautious. When I first met him he never liked motorways but we went out so much in the last 10 years that they never bothered him anymore. He loved to drive, and our motorhome also. I really miss that, the freedom of the road as they say. I get upset when I see one, especially this time of year. I also love the sound of the sea and the seagulls also. We used to be members of English heritage, National Trust and camping and caravanning. Life is just so different now. Not for the better. We never got up at 4 though as you used to do. We wouldnā€™t go to bed very early so it would be around 8.30 - 9.00. Then weā€™d be off out for the day after our breakfast of fresh fruit. We never used to eat much fruit at one time but Alan was borderline diabetic so he was advised to eat more fruit. It worked as he was alright at his next appointment. So we kept it up for every breakfast. I think that when you live at the seaside its easier to go walks on your own, thatā€™s what probably appeals to me. Iā€™m glad you took yourself out yesterday even though it was tearful. This is what we have to push ourselves to do until the time comes when we can do it without the tears. Lots of thoughts and things we see and sometimes what people say can revert us to tears. I was back in work today, just for 1 day to start with. It was mixed feelings, tears would come into my eyes but I managed to control myself. I even managed to sit in the staff room at break time which I didnā€™t think I would be able to. I know if people start talking about holidays or the f word (family) then I probably will get upset. Even people texting or phoning will. I had to sit down just before my break as my back was breaking. My boss was alright, he asked if there was anything I wanted. Got 1 more day next Friday then Iā€™ve got holidays booked for the next 2 weekends. I booked them last year as we used to go away and take our youngest son with his son with us. We had a wonderful holiday in Torquay last August and had an apartment overlooking the harbour. It was a spectacular view and the night when everything was lit up including the big wheel. That keeps flashing into my mind about our youngest son saying he doesnā€™t want anything else to do with me. I still find it hard to believe. Anyway musnā€™t dwell. Did you go on your trip to the moors. My Alan liked gardening. We grew tomatoes last year. Some of the tubs and baskets he planted up last year have flowered again this year. Begonias, geraniums, dahlias and a daisy like flower which opens up in the sun. Theyā€™re very colourful. The wisteria was better than ever this year and it saddens me to think he didnā€™t see it. He put a new wooden arch in the garden last year as the flimsy metal one we had just broke up. It took a lot of digging and hard work to get the new one in but he was strong and fit. I took photos and showed him but I never knew when he understood anything. I think the heat isnā€™t helping us to sleep but I have to say I donā€™t like the snow. I couldnā€™t get in work one day last year. I phoned 3 taxi firms but soon as is said where I lived they didnā€™t want to know. I phoned them at work to tell them the situation and said if they could send someone to pick me up then I would go in. They didnā€™t, so I didnā€™t get paid. Told them that next time I would just phone in sick and my line manager agreed with me. He said it doesnā€™t pay to be honest. I even wrote a letter to the chief exec. but she didnā€™t even reply back. Anyway there were no tears from me when I got home from work but I did miss telling Alan about the new equipment weā€™ve got and one of the bosses is retiring but coming back to do car parking attendant and hes only 54. All the other things I would tell him about my day. I felt quite good that I hadnā€™t cried. Iā€™ve heard that saying before. I hope I help to cheer you up as you cheer me up. Hears to another positive day for us tomorrow. Take care much love and hugs Janet xx

Hello Emma Your memory blanket sounds more wonderful by the minute. Sewing was never my thing. Prefer to knit or crochet or even embroidery. Talking of neighbours I donā€™t even have them to talk to. Well I do but none of them have been here very long so didnā€™t know Alan very well. The neighbours on either side and immediately across the road are all new and only young. There are some a bit higher up the road but rarely see them. Alan spoke to them more than I did as he was more outgoing. They came to his funeral and said they would miss him especially when the snow comes. He would be out there shovelling the snow then gritting the hill and he was probably the oldest one up there. Alan could sew and knit amongst all the other more manly things. When our youngest was born we knitted a shawl between us and it was quite a lacey pattern. There was nothing he wouldnā€™t try. Wish iā€™d kept it now. See you have moors and beach how lucky you are. Sounds idyllic. I have no one to go walking with as iā€™m not far from the moors. I keep looking at property for sale but they say you shouldnā€™t do anything in a hurry and Alan did such a lot in this house. He never cured the damp though. I can actually drive but didnā€™t start until I was in my forties and packed up shortly after I started. Only driven once on my own and that was to work one day when Alan wasnā€™t feeling well and thatā€™s only about a mile away. Drove a bit with Alan as my passenger but he never really liked other people driving. He learnt to drive when he was in the police force so he was a bit of a perfectionist. They used to say he was too cautious. When I first met him he never liked motorways but we went out so much in the last 10 years that they never bothered him anymore. He loved to drive, and our motorhome also. I really miss that, the freedom of the road as they say. I get upset when I see one, especially this time of year. I also love the sound of the sea and the seagulls also. We used to be members of English heritage, National Trust and camping and caravanning. Life is just so different now. Not for the better. We never got up at 4 though as you used to do. We wouldnā€™t go to bed very early so it would be around 8.30 - 9.00. Then weā€™d be off out for the day after our breakfast of fresh fruit. We never used to eat much fruit at one time but Alan was borderline diabetic so he was advised to eat more fruit. It worked as he was alright at his next appointment. So we kept it up for every breakfast. I think that when you live at the seaside its easier to go walks on your own, thatā€™s what probably appeals to me. Iā€™m glad you took yourself out yesterday even though it was tearful. This is what we have to push ourselves to do until the time comes when we can do it without the tears. Lots of thoughts and things we see and sometimes what people say can revert us to tears. I was back in work today, just for 1 day to start with. It was mixed feelings, tears would come into my eyes but I managed to control myself. I even managed to sit in the staff room at break time which I didnā€™t think I would be able to. I know if people start talking about holidays or the f word (family) then I probably will get upset. Even people texting or phoning will. I had to sit down just before my break as my back was breaking. My boss was alright, he asked if there was anything I wanted. Got 1 more day next Friday then Iā€™ve got holidays booked for the next 2 weekends. I booked them last year as we used to go away and take our youngest son with his son with us. We had a wonderful holiday in Torquay last August and had an apartment overlooking the harbour. It was a spectacular view and the night when everything was lit up including the big wheel. That keeps flashing into my mind about our youngest son saying he doesnā€™t want anything else to do with me. I still find it hard to believe. Anyway musnā€™t dwell. Did you go on your trip to the moors. My Alan liked gardening. We grew tomatoes last year. Some of the tubs and baskets he planted up last year have flowered again this year. Begonias, geraniums, dahlias and a daisy like flower which opens up in the sun. Theyā€™re very colourful. The wisteria was better than ever this year and it saddens me to think he didnā€™t see it. He put a new wooden arch in the garden last year as the flimsy metal one we had just broke up. It took a lot of digging and hard work to get the new one in but he was strong and fit. I took photos and showed him but I never knew when he understood anything. I think the heat isnā€™t helping us to sleep but I have to say I donā€™t like the snow. I couldnā€™t get in work one day last year. I phoned 3 taxi firms but soon as is said where I lived they didnā€™t want to know. I phoned them at work to tell them the situation and said if they could send someone to pick me up then I would go in. They didnā€™t, so I didnā€™t get paid. Told them that next time I would just phone in sick and my line manager agreed with me. He said it doesnā€™t pay to be honest. I even wrote a letter to the chief exec. but she didnā€™t even reply back. Anyway there were no tears from me when I got home from work but I did miss telling Alan about the new equipment weā€™ve got and one of the bosses is retiring but coming back to do car parking attendant and hes only 54. All the other things I would tell him about my day. I felt quite good that I hadnā€™t cried. Iā€™ve heard that saying before. I hope I help to cheer you up as you cheer me up. Hears to another positive day for us tomorrow. Take care much love and hugs Janet xx

sorry donā€™t know why Iā€™ve sent it twice. Must be half asleep. Good night. Love Janet xx

Hi Janet
Sorry for late reply but been feeling under the weather today. Iā€™ve always enjoyed sewing, I can also do abit of embroidery and cross-stitch. I have never tried knitting or crochet but donā€™t think Iā€™d be very good at it as it looks complicated.
I have a neighbour joined on one side but I live in an end house. There is another one at the other side sort of with a drive way in-between. All my neighbours are good considering we moved here February this year. Not been living here long so made myself overcome my shyness and speak to them. I think it helps to know somebody near by in case of emergency.
When you say your neighbours are young, what do you class as young?. I only ask because all my neighbours are older than me!. My neighbours got used to me taking Alan out in the car and the wheelchair, this helped because they would leave space to park near the house for me when they could.
Alan preferred to drive but I would not hesitate to drive when needed. I donā€™t like driving much but it can be a necessity. Alan taught me how to drive on motorways. I said I could never do it but I drove to London and back ( 6 hour journey either way.Alan was from London and had his hand operated on so it was bandaged up. We went down to his friends and stayed just over a week. He even had me driving in London as he gave me directions and I just followed them. I saw a bus saying Piccadilly and said where are we?,his answer was I donā€™t know darling. Then he laughed and said I told you you could drive in London. Crafty he was but he made me push boundaries out of my comfort zone. It showed me Iā€™m stronger than I thought I was and can do what others tell me I canā€™t.
We used to go to the Moors alot and I love walking. It gives you a sense of freedom. As for the beach and seagulls you can have them. If I look at the sun I burn and seagulls are very noisy.
Do you think work helped or made it worse on reflection. Now youā€™ve had a day to look back on it are you looking forward to next week?. What sort of work environment is it?. Talking to Alan about my day is what I miss alot.
All my veg and roses are blooming. Just wish I could get some more enjoyment from them but struggling to sit in the garden on my own. I also get very tearful thinking Alan never got to see it in full bloom.
Family can be a funny thing, my mum phoned me up this morning saying why have I upset you?. I had about two hours sleep and explained for the hundredth time very patiently I just need space sometimes. I know she is not understanding me at the moment though, but I donā€™t have the energy to worry about it. Your son will understand one day and probably realise what you are feeling.
Made myself go out today as sat at home yesterday all by myself. Made myself stay downstairs all day instead of retreating to upstairs where there was not so many memories. Alot of tears again yesterday. My friend was at an appointment so going out next week with her.
Anyway went into town today. Can barely walk as somehow hurt my leg but did it anyway and hobbled home again. Less tears today so thatā€™s an improvement.
I try my best to cheer you up, Iā€™m glad itā€™s working. Yes you do cheer me up, some days like yesterday the only people I spoke to was you and my friend on the phone.
Big hugs and love
Emma xxx

Hello Emma You donā€™t need to apologise about being late replying. Donā€™t know about you but time seems irrelevant now. It does make me feel guilty though thinking well Alan wouldnā€™t be in bed at this time or he wouldnā€™t be eating meals at all sorts of strange hours. Knitting and crochet work probably look harder than they are. Iā€™m not very quick though. I live in a double fronted terraced but the one above me is only joined upstairs with the bedroom as below that there is a ginnel. The one below has our cellar because it was sold off in the 1940ā€™s. We didnā€™t know when we bought the house 30 odd years ago but when we realised there was a cellar under our lounge we went to see a solicitor. It was supposed to be offered back to us when it was next sold, which was about 5 or 6 years ago but it wasnā€™t. Alan wasnā€™t bothered about it then. He would have liked it as a workshop as he loved woodwork and diy. It sold again recently and theyā€™re supposed to make sure any insurance covers our lounge also but donā€™t know if they know about it. A Scottish lady lives there on her own and I think it has 4 bedrooms. Donā€™t see much of her and donā€™t hear her much only when occasionally I hear a male voice. Sheā€™s probably in her thirties. The new neighbours over the road bought the house last year and she has just had a baby. That is a big stone detached house and thatā€™s at least 4 bedrooms. They look to be in there late 20ā€™s. Then the house above me is actually only rented as the lady who owns it has a general store in a local village. She did live there years ago. Sheā€™s a bit of a gourmet with food and her parents used to own a restaurant in a big house. She invited us once and it was really nice. I think she learnt her trade in London. She also does flowers for special occasions. When it was Alans either 65th or 70th I got her to do a surprise picnic and it was really nice. We went away for the weekend and I gave him the instructions on where to drive. We stopped off for our picnic, complete with wine, and the weather was so beautiful we couldnā€™t have asked for anything any better. We then looked around the Follies before carrying on to our destination. It was Judge Jeffreys (the hanging judge of Wem) Lodging House where we went to stay. It was a really nice weekend. The people who are renting though have 2 young daughters. Theyā€™re probably in their thirties but her husband works in Dubai which is where they used to live. Donā€™t see very much of him. Nor her really. You see before everyone moved out they were more my age, and two of them were living here when we first moved here. The people below us moved out because they found the stairs hard work and the house needed quite a lot of money spending on it so they went into a flat. The couple over the road were fed up of the damp so moved into a bungalow about 3 miles away, and the couple and their son above us were fed up because they spent all their money on leaving the heating on day and night because of the damp and couldnā€™t get the landlord to do much about it. As soon as they moved out they did loads of work on it but had a lot of trouble with builders and kept calling them back to do the work again. Heā€™s an Irish vet but doesnā€™t know much about diy. He was always asking Alan about things. At least it was nice and considerate of your neighbours to leave you space for your car. It was very brave of you to drive in London. Alan hated the cities for driving round. Leeds we always seemed to go wrong and end up driving back round. Birmingham was another place he wasnā€™t keen on. What he did like was when I bought him a sat nav. one Christmas. He wasnā€™t one for new technology but he really loved that, although he had it months before we used it. You hope your children are going to show you how to use it but I realised that was never going to happen so I worked it out for myself. Alan would get a bit frustrated trying to get the right keys. His fingers were a bit clumsy.so he would have to keep starting again, then heā€™d pass it to me to do. We used it in our motorhome but you had to be a bit more wary of the type of roads it was taking you down as itā€™s 22 and a half foot long. I bet youā€™re glad he pushed you out of your comfort zone. I wish Alan had done with me and I would still be driving. You sound like my friend when it comes to the sun. She was glad it was raining today because it was cooler. Work probably did help but Iā€™ve not seen everyone yet as some are away on holiday and others on the sick. I donā€™t really know whether Iā€™m looking forward to it or not. Its a hard one to answer. I think the weekends will be more testing because Iā€™m there from 10.30 to 8.30 so Iā€™ll be tired which probably means Iā€™ll get upset more easily. Plus the work I do at weekend is different to my Friday work. I actually prefer my weekend work. I work in a hospital kitchen and it is very hard work. Weā€™re always short staffed so it makes the job harder. Its sad that both Alans didnā€™t get to see their beloved gardens in full bloom. We have grown mint for a number of years and I made some mint sauce the other week. Family are strange. My eldest son sent a message to my middle son asking how I was. Can you believe it. I can, its his birthday on Monday. He told him to message me or ring me but he didnā€™t. Thatā€™s because he hasnā€™t got the nerve to as he hasnā€™t bothered before to ask about me. I knew thatā€™s what heā€™d do. You can read him like a book. He probably thought iā€™d say oh tell him to come round for his card and money but why should I. My middle son told him I was upset about my youngest son but he still didnā€™t contact me. You sound like me retreating to the bedroom. I sometimes find it more comforting. Itā€™s funny how the tears are there one day but not another. Does that mean our lives will eventually improve. Never be the same, how could they be. Its nice to know we cheer one another up. Hope your leg soon gets better. Lots of love and hugs Janet xxx

Hello Janet
I regularly lose track of time and days at the moment. It just does not seem to matter what my routine is anymore. Like yourself itā€™s been turned upside down, I eat ,sleep and move when Iā€™m able to motivate myself. Not good really but I canā€™t see a lot of reason for bothering with things. It does make me feel abit guilty as it was a fairly set routine I had with Alan and he did not like times changed i.e. meals and appointments. It sent him off track if they did and confused him abit.
You made me smile when you used the word ginnel. Me and Alan used to debate this word and decided it was a regional thing. I use the word ginnel or passage but Alan always said alley. You can tell heā€™s from down south and Iā€™m from up north.
The houses around you sound very big but I can see why they struggle with damp. Very big and expensive to keep warm.
Your neighbours are nearer my age. My neighbours are alot older than me, probably in their sixties but that does not bother me. Long as they are good neighbours. Iā€™m forty end of this year but Alan was 30 years older than me. It worked for us but it does not work for everyone. Iā€™m more mature in my attitude to life and the way I look at things so I think thatā€™s why it worked. It used to sometimes get to Alan when people mistook me for his daughter but I taught him to brush it off. We were always holding hands, cuddling into each others personal space with arm round each other when talking to people. Not many daughters do that. When someone called me his daughter I would cuddle him and give him a quick kiss in front of them, and say to him whose going to correct them this time?. Alot used to apologise as they made a quick exit. I used to answer we were used to it, they were not the first and would not be the last!.
Somebody said to me today about Alan passing on, you had to expect he would go sooner than you with the age gap. Im not daft I knew that was a good possibility but it is not always the case, and does not make it any less painful to lose him. I used to be friends with this person for alot of years ( sheā€™s my age ) but she could not see past the age gap. You donā€™t choose who you fall in love with!. I just looked at her and thought how thoughtless she was.
The good friend I talk about is in her seventies and never mentioned it. She has been so supportive and understanding, different attitudes.
Driving in London was an experience but Alan had a knack of getting me to have confidence in myself. That is one thing Iā€™m lacking now without him by my side. Iā€™ve gone back to the shy person who does not know who she is anymore.
I am very bad in the sun and try not too burn. My friends always telling me off when Iā€™m forgetting the sun cream!. I always have plenty of aftersun in the house though. Iā€™m light haired so that could be why. Most people say Iā€™m a darker shade of blonde but I say mousey brown. I do get streaks of blonde in it but never died my hair so itā€™s natural colour.
Your job sounds like it definitely keeps you busy but that like you say could be a good thing. I would maybe have gone back to work if I had not given the job up to look after Alan. I donā€™t regret giving my job up for Alan, would do it again in a heartbeat. It just seems so daunting starting from scratch with interviews again.
I would make your son come to you when he can understand. You are under enough stress and need to take care of you not him. I never chose to have children as I was in a difficult relationship for 14 years, then I met Alan who through friendship and over time love helped me get away from it. I have left all that behind me now. I had health problems though and needed a surgical procedure that has prevented me from having kids. I donā€™t regret having the procedure though,me and Alan thought my health was more important. I would certainly not have had any kids into the other relationship for their safety reasons.
The bedroom is my safety zone where I can cuddle up and cry with no one else there. Iā€™m downstairs abit today but had lots of tears. Probably because my leg hurts alot and Iā€™ve been in all day alone. Not spoken to anyone so far either. What Iā€™d do to have Alan back!.
I hope life will eventually improve but I donā€™t want a new life. I want the one I recently had with Alan back minus the illness of course.
Iā€™ve just ordered a plaque to go on his ashes urn and put the poem on that was at the end of his eulogy

As long as hearts remember
As long as hearts still care
we do not part with those we love
They are with us everywhere

I have to believe this to remain strong enough to carry on. I do believe that they can see us from above though, and both our Alanā€™s will be looking down on our gardens blooming and keeping watch over us.

Big hugs and lots of love
Emma xxx

Dear Emma Thank you for your lovely post, it brought a smile and a tear when I read it. Alan also quite liked routine especially with food. He was supposed to eat little and often as heā€™d had an ulcer. Sometimes though we got carried away with doing what we liked we forgot about time. We used to buy and sell antiques and collectables and put them into cabinets to sell on again. It was very slow going but it was something we both enjoyed. We had 3 cabinets in different areas but we packed one of them in before he went into hospital as we didnā€™t do very well at that one. When he passed away I had to give the other two up which broke my heart as we both loved doing it so much. It was more like a hobby than a business but it took us all over the country. When we were on holiday weā€™d be looking for things to buy. Alan would clean them up and I would list them in a book, then weā€™d both decide on a price. Once a month weā€™d go to pay the rent on the cabinet and change all the stock over to keep people interested in looking. It was great fun. Every time you tell me something about your life it seems to mirror mine. Alan saved me from a fate worse than death. I had a partner for 6 years who was 23 years older than me and all he liked to do was drink and gamble on the horses. I had my eldest child when I met him but it was only when we started living together I found out what he was really like. We also had a child together but he would hit both the kids, even his own. They would have bruises over their bodies and although he worked didnā€™t give me any money. I had to survive on child benefit. He also used to hit me and sometimes throw his meals at the wall. That was if he bothered to come home and not stay at his mothers. Heā€™d been married before and apparentely treated his wife and kids the same. Anyway Alan came along and saved me and I him from his unhappy marriage. I am 67 and Alan was 11 years older. We had a funeral plan we bought and he used to tell people that his funeral was paid for. I said yes but if I die first then it will be for me. He said that wasnā€™t likely to happen with the age difference. Age doesnā€™t matter anyway if you love someone. My Alan seemed to improve with age. When he was in hospital there were 2 things they used to say. One was he was very strong although only 8st something and he had lovely skin. He never got bed sores in all the 4 months in there. It would have been Alans birthday end of August and it was mine while he was in hospital. You also say that Alan used to give you confidence. My confidence grew with Alan and it seemed our roles reversed as he seemed less confident in his later years. Heā€™d been in the police force and been a milkman amongst other things so he could talk the talk and walk the walk. I seemed to be able to do things that would embarrass him, like taking something back to a shop for any reason. Arranging holidays was more my thing than his. He would always do the shopping for food though while I was at work. I hate it. Also if you got a quote from anyone for work to be done he wouldnā€™t like to say no to them or get another quote. I once cancelled some large double glazing firm because they were expensive but I had to deal with it. I never minded anything like that if I thought you were being ripped off. He could talk a lot, the hind leg off a donkey. Thatā€™s what makes it so quiet now. I have never been one for talking much and if I did it was to Alan. My hair gets light streaks in the sun, but I had long blonde hair when I was younger. Iā€™ve never dyed my hair its always been natural. What sort of work will you be looking for. Have they let you have any of Alans pension. Because Alan had never divorced I couldnā€™t have his. I know what you mean when you say you gave up your job and would do it all over again. I kept getting grief from my employers and had to keep going to meetings and occupational health. My boss had the cheek to say may be youā€™d be better in work than mopesing about at home. I kept telling him I wasnā€™t at home, I was at the hospital every day for between 8 and 10 hours and needed 2 buses to get there if I hadnā€™t got a lift. Itā€™s not as if I could phone Alan as most of the time he didnā€™t know what was what. They could have sacked me but it wouldnā€™t have stopped me from going to see my Alan. No one else bothered much. I was the one to feed him and give him his big supply of medication. I wouldnā€™t have been able to work as Iā€™ve never known stress like that before. Until Alan was taken ill I must admit I didnā€™t know what stress was. I had a few health problems in my forties. Had my appendix out. I had an abscess on my pelvic girdle. Painful periods and coming on every 2 weeks. I had a hysterectomy because of abnormal cells and they found a cyst on one of my ovaries. Iā€™d been having a lot of trouble and pain down there and think it was all linked as it all happened at once. Never had any trouble until then and Alan nursed me back to health. Today has seemed such a long day but most days are. Not even got dressed today. Hope your leg improves soon. May be you should see a doctor. I keep thinking theyā€™re watching from up above which is why I sometimes feel guilty for not doing things. The poem is really touching, lovely heartfelt words. Well I suppose its time for bed now. So until the next time. Love and hugs Janet xxx

Hi Janet
Sorry did not mean to make you cry with my last post but at least I made you smile as well.
why could you not keep the antiques cabinets on?. Iā€™m guessing it was because of not being able to travel anymore. Is there nowhere local you could volunteer to do with antiques or would that be too upsetting?.
My first husband was 8 years older than me. He had 2 children aged 3 and 5 who visited every other weekend. I did not know what he was like at first but soon found out. I used to work double shifts if I could to keep out of the house, but I always had to leave a meal prepared. Even though I did this it was up to me to warm it up when I got home at 10 pm. He had been home two hours. It was up to me to keep the house in order on top of a 45 hour week as well. If it was not done right you can guess what happened. I tried to be like a mum to the kids and got on well with them. In the end they could only visit if I was in the house, they were not allowed to be left alone with him. They stopped visiting when one was 11 and 13, due to his behaviour. You can only protect kids so far and it was safer for them not to see him harsh as that might sound on them.
I was also very poorly with a blood clot in the back of my neck not long before I left him. I could barely move from my bed but he just left me there for 3 days without a drink or food and went into town for his meals and socialising. He never once stayed in to look after me. My mum got suspicious after a few days of not hearing from me and rang me. He had gone to work and I could hardly speak when I answered the phone as I was so unwell. She got me to hospital and they said fifteen minutes later I would have been dead. He could not be bothered to visit me in hospital, too far to walk ( twenty minutes walk ). I eventually got home after a month in hospital and had double vision in my left eye. Iā€™d also had a lumber puncture and he made me stand and do his tea. The house was a mess and because I was on sick he moaned to mum I was not tidying up his months worth of mess, I couldnā€™t see hardly. Not long after I ended up in hospital again. Alan was friendly with me at that point and he clicked on to what was happening. Alan stayed with me all the way through visiting hours the entire week. I am terrified of needles ( needed them every day ) and it was Alan who held my hand, not my husband at the time. Thatā€™s when I started to realise enough was enough, and Alan asked me outright about the bruises. I told him what was happening. I did not tell my family as they had enough on with there own lives. They noticed my bruises on my wrists but put it down to residents I cared for. At the time I did not know how to tell them so agreed but with Alan it was easier to tell him. Probably because he was a neutral person.
I sometimes wonder why I survived when I think of the position Iā€™m in now. Was it destiny that I survived to spend some happy years with Alan and help him through his illness?. It makes me wonder.
I had painful heavy periods, abnormal cells and a cyst on my ovarie. They did some procedure but I had to have a sterilisation, as not safe to have children afterwards. Alan was fantastic with me through it all from helping me walk to where I needed to be, supporting me and keeping house. Nothing was too much for him. He did not handle stress well so I was surprised how well he coped.
Like your Alan he was reluctant to say no to quotes even if they were too expensive. I did that side of things. No I donā€™t get any of his pension as Iā€™m too young. Macmillan were brilliant and helped me get universal credit otherwise Iā€™d have nothing. You donā€™t get alot on UC though, barely enough to live. I will have to do some unskilled work I think as the only job Iā€™m qualified in is care. Got every qualification going in that but never done any other type of work. Iā€™ve been told by a few families that I am good at making people feel at ease and like family when I care for them. I still keep in touch with a few of the families occasionally but they tend to live away. I used to try and put myself in the personā€™s place and think how Iā€™d want to be treated. I once had a family that tried to cause a lot of trouble for me but I was cleared as everything was on videotape for social services to see. I had so many meetings and stress with that. One meeting I had to walk in to a room with ten people in it,someone on the phone and answer questions. I had a union rep with me inside and Alan waiting for me outside. It was horrible but Alan and my rep told me to walk in head held high and face them head on. My first husband never bothered about it as I was on full pay and showed no interest. Alan took me to meetings, sat with me and my rep and calmed me down when I had panic attacks. Alan was with me when I got the news I was cleared of any wrongdoing, I actually saved her. He gave me the biggest hug and told me he knew I was strong enough to fight it. When I think back he did so much for me thereā€™s no wonder Iā€™m lost without him.
Rang the doctorā€™s today to make an appointment to see if I carry on taking anti depressants. She looked and said you are only taking them for grief surely you are not wanting anymore!. Besides which you should have phoned at eight o clock itā€™s now nine o clock. Explained I donā€™t sleep well and she said try again if you really feel you need an appointment next Monday at eight o clock. Youā€™ve already had one appointment last month!. Then she told me I can just stop them and donā€™t worry if I run out. I think I will try again tomorrow with a different receptionist.
Been out for a walk to the park with my music and book today, was feeling tearful so took myself to a quiet spot. Think it helped. Legs eased off a bit but slept on sofa last night as very painful to walk on. Must have done it some good!. Donā€™t like doctorā€™s they have needles and keep threatening to check my iron level, ouch!. Not got anyone to stop me going into a panic attack with the blood test. What have you been up to today?. Hope you were enjoying the sunshine.
Big hugs and love
Emma xxx

Hello Emma I had tears in my eyes again when I read your latest post. The horrible life you had with your first husband. I never told my mum or anyone about how I was being treated. One reason I suppose I was embarrassed and ashamed but mainly because we used to have a saying that you made your bed you must lie in it. My mum didnā€™t visit much because she didnā€™t drive and was quite a distance away and I didnā€™t visit her much because I had 2 young children and couldnā€™t afford the fare anyway so it wasnā€™t very hard keeping it from her. Also one of my brothers is downs syndrome so she had her work cut out with him, and she was 43 years old when she had me. After about 12 months we moved back to our home town and we stayed with his mum to start with, but his sister wanted me to leave because she was quite old and didnā€™t really want 2 young children about the place. I ended up going back to my mums and he stayed at his mums but he wasnā€™t that easy to get out of my life. Then my mum got taken ill with lung cancer and when she died I got the tenancy of her council house so he moved in with me again. I felt very lonely then because I couldnā€™t see any way out of the situation. I was quite a private person and didnā€™t like to tell anyone about my way of life. His son from being a baby, I think must have been frightened of him. When he was only so many months old he would put his arm up to his face if he was around. It makes me so sad when I think about it now and how he treated my eldest son (not his) was abominable. He would have nose bleeds because of it. People wonder why you stay with someone who treats you like that but its not that easy to get away, as it frightens you as to what might happen. I was so young as well. I got a part time job in the run up to Christmas so I could afford to buy something for my boys but it was awful if he was left on his own with them. I used to look at people who worked there and longed for a normal happy family life. When my mum went into hospital he looked after them sometimes and I used to dread seeing if they had any bruises on their bodies. At least I had plenty of happy years with Alan unlike your very short episode. It must have seemed like just as youā€™d found your happiness it was cruelly snatched away from you. Thatā€™s terribly sad. I would love to have kept the cabinets going but they were both about 45 minute drive away by car. It would be upsetting but I think I would have coped with it, because when Alan died I had to go and bring everything back home and ticked off what weā€™d sold, which was the fun bit. I did enjoy doing it, but it upset me because weā€™d have a discussion on the things we had sold and he wasnā€™t there, so I just kept thinking oh he would have been pleased thatā€™s sold at last, or whatever. Do they not give you a hysterectomy now for abnormal cells. That was why I had one. I was in my forties when I had it done. When I had an abscess on my pelvic girdle the pain was excruciating. It would come on suddenly and iā€™d be climbing walls as Alan used to say, until it went away. I used to go to the toilet hundreds of times in a day. I had to monitor when I had my pain, how long it lasted and every time I went to the loo. When I went into hospital I was pleading for them to give me something for the pain but they wonā€™t do that straight away because they want to see for themselves how often and how bad. I do remember when the nurse came to give me an injection to help me sleep (as I was worn out for not being able to sleep) she was like an angel to me, a really pretty, nice looking girl, and I thought I donā€™t care if I die I was in so much pain. I also remember that the next day I got this warm and vile smelling liquid running down my leg out of my body. The smell was horrendous and it was the abscess that had burst. The best thing about it was, as it oozed out of my body the pain went with it. Everything went wrong in my early forties but I think somehow that it was all connected. They didnā€™t know about my cyst on my ovaries until i had a hysterectomy. Apparentely it was quite large but I didnā€™t have a total hysterectomy as they left my ovaries in. Its a good job your mum acted quickly or you wouldnā€™t be hear now. Iā€™ve probably said the wrong thing there and i apologise if I have. McMillan told my bosses to lay off me for while, always wanting meetings and questions answered about returning to work. How insensitive. They werenā€™t happy because a couple of times I didnā€™t go and left it late to tell them. I wasnā€™t able to let them know sooner because it was something to do with Alan having a procedure done or his consultant visiting. They just didnā€™t get it. Then they kept giving me late appointments which were no good to me as I wanted to be at the hospital as soon as I could. I remember one of my appointments should have been 10 oā€™clock but one of them hadnā€™t turned at ten past, so I told them I was going, and he said oh she is on her way. I said if sheā€™s not here in the next 5 minutes Iā€™m going. Good for you going into that meeting with your head held high. Even though Alan is no longer here, you just remember those words whenever youā€™re in that situation again and it will get you through it. Heā€™ll be with you in spirit. Good luck with the doctors and itā€™s nice to hear youā€™ve been out today. I havenā€™t been out since Friday when I went to work. Not seen anyone only my son who lives here, but he was in bed until 5.30 today. I have spoken to his ex today though on the phone. She runs a diy shop, which belongs to her dad, and she said it was alright for me to put mine and Alans bikes in there to try and sell them. I put mine in first and sold within a couple of weeks. I put more on Alans because his was newer and more expensive. He had 2 to my one, but only because weā€™d seen some fold up ones which would be ideal for the motorhome so I said Iā€™d buy him one for his birthday a few years ago. He never used that one much. Although it folded up it was awkward and quite heavy, then he was diagnosed with prostrate cancer and i have a small prolapse, we stopped using them. Phoned her to ask what iā€™d put on it as its been in a while. She said it doesnā€™t matter if its there until next summer as sheā€™s got it upstairs at the shop, so not taking any room up. I said if anyone shows any interest she could knock it down a bit. Told her iā€™d had insulting offers on our motorhome. She told me to take a photo down and sheā€™d put it up in the shop. So thatā€™s nice of her. I tidied the garden up a bit today. The little box hedge we have keeps growing for fun, so I trimmed it with my scissors again because i couldnā€™t be bothered to unlock 2 padlocks on the shed, then realised I would have to anyway to get my sweeping brush out. Anyway Emma, if time has any relevance it is late now, or should I say early morning, so I suppose Iā€™d better retire to bed now. Oh, I forgot, I did go out, just down to the charity shop, a couple of minutes walk away. Took some stuff and bought a shelf to go in one of my display cabinets. They sell them in Ikea as I already have one. It was new as it was still all packaged up. Just remembered that, because that was why I started late on here. I was sorting out my cabinet. Anyway take care, especially your leg. Love and hugs Janet xxx

Hello Janet
Hope you had a better day today than yesterday. You will be pleased to know we had rain most of the day, my rain dance worked!. This means you should have got all the sun hopefully. I will try not to make you cry today.
I was thinking about your question when I could not sleep last night. If I had not survived when I ended up in hospital or had the first relationship, I might never have met Alan. I feel like meeting Alan was a blessing in my life but yes I do feel like our happiness was snatched away far too soon. I have come to the conclusion sometimes people come into our lives to show us a better and happier way of living our life. Iā€™m just so grateful to have had Alan in mine and wish he still was here now.
Iā€™m having a tearful day today. Got very little sleep and was going to stay in all day. Made myself get motivated and decided today was the day that my little " comfort zone " car was going to the scrap yard. Alan really liked that car and kept wanting to get it fixed up but it would cost too much money I donā€™t have. It was meant to be going last October but because of Alanā€™s reluctance it never did. I got what I needed together and took it for its last drive. Just before I left Alanā€™s plaque for his ashes urn arrived. That started the tears!. Anyway I was ok until I was walking to my friends after leaving the scrap yard ( 20 minutes walk ) and the tears started again. Thankfully it was raining!. All I could think of was all the happy memories me and Alan had with the car. I came to the conclusion memories are in my head and heart, the car is just abit of metal.
Spent abit of time at my friends and then walked home ( about an hour at fast pace). Now I realise that I am really out of my comfort zone but thereā€™s no turning back. I now will be driving Alanā€™s bigger car so look out roads here I come!. I did not ask for a lift home from any family as they are all busy and itā€™s only about 5 miles walk.
Have you taken the photo to your sonā€™s exā€™s shop yet?. I imagine it will be alot harder for you to part with that as it was for me with my little car.
I did abit of seeing earlier and otherwise having a quiet evening. Tomorrow I might take myself out for a walk but not if itā€™s too sunny. This sunburn is getting painful now, from now on its sunblock and a hat even if there is the slightest chance of sun. That will never happen as I never remember!!!.
Also got some forms to try and fill in and phone calls to make, bills to pay. All the good jobs in life!.
Take care
Love and hugs
Emma xxx

I meant sewing earlier! Xx

Hello Emma My day was worse than yesterday. My son didnā€™t go in work again. When I asked him if he was going he said no it was raining. I said so if it rains all winter you wonā€™t be going, he said no. I said when you came back home you said you would be working. Not doing one or two days then the rest off. Youā€™ll never get straight and no woman will want you without any money. He talks to someone on a dating site so I said you should be trying to impress her if you like her. But it was the way he was talking to me that upset me. He said I was chunnering and talking to yourself was the first sign of madness. When heā€™s in all time it depresses me more than I already am. He just sits at his computer all day. If I want anything doing its always yes when Iā€™ve got time. Heā€™s got more time than anybody I know. He said well iā€™ll leave so I said good see who else will put up with you. So I didnā€™t get dressed again today. Been crying a lot. My friend hasnā€™t text. I think sheā€™s fed up with me so iā€™m going to just leave it. She was the one who said sheā€™d be there for me when Alan died but I donā€™t think she realised how hard it was going to be for her. The rain has been awful here today no sunshine. I havenā€™t done much of anything only stare into space dreaming. Tea-time I got a text off my grandson saying hi grandma hope youā€™re ok. Is there any chance I can take out a loan/borrow with you please. He goes on to say he was going to ask his dad (thatā€™s my eldest son) but he doesnā€™t think heā€™ll have anything spare at the moment. He says heā€™s got a few different bills to pay so if I agree he wants to set up a plan. Then he says its fine if not and donā€™t worry at all. So I sent a text to my ex daughter in law just to see if she knew what the bills are as she works with his mother. She phoned me up (the only person Iā€™ve spoken to today, except for the fall out with my son), and said he doesnā€™t have any bills because his mother pays for everything for him, so I wondered if my son had put him up to it as It was his birthday the other day and was probably expecting money from me, but iā€™m fed up with the lot of them and the way they treat me so he got nothing. I sent my grandson a text asking what the bills were he had and as yet have had no reply. So all that upset me once more. Why donā€™t they get off there backsides and get a job. Where have they been when I needed help emptying and cleaning motor home, and other jobs. Yes you have to go through the rough to get to the smooth. But if your first husband was anything like mine I certainly couldnā€™t have got any worse. Alan was everything he wasnā€™t. I have to go to occupational health at work tomorrow for 9 am. That will be the highlight of my week followed by work on Friday. Thinking about it, its good isnā€™t it when a 23 year old asks his grandmother who is 67 and still working for a loan. Have you filled in your forms yet. Not printed any photos of motorhome yet. Wasnā€™t in the mood. Take care. love and hugs Janet xxx

Hi Janet
Iā€™m sorry to hear you had such a bad day again. Ignore your sonā€™s attitude when he says you are chuntering and about madness. He should not speak to you in that way. Donā€™t let him upset you so. I know itā€™s easier said than done. It usually mum that sets me off crying, I donā€™t think she does it intentionally just does not understand. How is your son after Alanā€™s passing?. Do you think it could be affecting him more than you realise or is it how he normally is?.
What work does your son do?. He will miss alot of work if he wonā€™t go to work in bad weather. It is not unfair of you to expect him to do little jobs or contribute to the household. Do you think he will leave or not?. I donā€™t think he will he knows where heā€™s got a good thing going!.
He must be doing something right if he is still managing to talk to this lass on the dating site. Probably telling her he has got lots of money and a good job. Everything you are telling him he needs to do!.
It did sound abit suspicious your grandson suddenly wanting money just after your sonā€™s birthday. I think you did the right thing if you checked and there was no reason for him needing it.
I agree you do have to go through the rough to get to the smooth but I think it only makes us stronger. I would never want to go through what I did with my first husband again, it was a life lesson well learnt. Be careful who you trust bit as you well know they are not like that at first so how do you know?. You were braver than me though and got away after six years, I took fourteen years to get away. Wish Iā€™d been braver like you were but itā€™s as you said Iā€™d made my bed, and was too embarrassed or ashamed to tell anyone.
I was so hoping you would have got the sunshine yesterday when we got the rain. We have had funny weather today warm but dull. I ended up doing the forms in-between housework. The only time I left the house was to post the forms off and water the garden. I was only out about 10 minutes but felt very tearful today. Just keep crying for no reason. Sat and did some sewing this evening which helped me relax abit but not as much as usual, not sure why.
I hope your occupational health meeting went well today. I also hope you had a much better day today and maybe some sunshine?.
Donā€™t give up on your friend. I think she really does want to be there for you from what you have said. She maybe just is not as active. I know how you feel though because I love walking rather than being shut in. Iā€™m lucky to have some areas to go walking nearby but itā€™s not so pleasant on your own. I think what we ask of people to try and understand how we feel is a big ask but we did not want to be in this situation. If she trys to be there for you let her be. We all need soebody to help is through this.
I find myself having to stop myself shutting myself off from people but it takes a lot of effort for me to do this. Today Iā€™ve seen and spoken to nobody. Probably why Iā€™m low in mood.
Take care
Love and hugs
Emma xxx