My partner was diagnosed with lung cancer se en weeks ago. We were fighting it with every natural cure I knew about it. He still did two Chemio but two weeks ago he had a heart attack attack at home. I did CPR and called the ambulance, he started breathing again after 22 minutes, he was taken to hospital but died a week after. I saw him dying twice. Nothing makes sense for me now. He was my better half, the love of my life. We were like glue… I wish we could have gone together. It is not up to me to decide when I can go but if it happens I am happy. I just want to be with him. I don’t think people understand, they think you are suicidal but it is not the case. The pain is so much that If it happened I know I would be happier rejoined with him forever.
I feel your pain. Exactly the same thing, the only thing helping would be my Teo coming back to hug me
Hello simonetta
I’m sorry to hear of the loss of your partner . Sorry I could not decide if his name was Theo or ted. When my husband had his silent heart attack he had no warning signs, so it was very scary to witness. I was very lucky we were right outside a doctor’s, 5 minutes before shutting so I got him immediate medical attention. I was actually working as a mobile carer so was lucky he was with me.
I can only imagine how you were feeling when you had to deal with it on your own. You must have been very scared . I know that feeling as well when you are told they have lung cancer, and you feel like your world has collapsed around you. The chemo did nothing for Alan except let it grow.
How long were you with your partner?. I noticed you are from London, that’s where Alan was from ( Wembley ) and he took me to London twice. I was with and cared for Alan 24/7 as you were with your partner. Unfortunately I will probably not be able to offer you much useful advice as I only lost Alan at the end of June and at about the same stage in the rollercoaster of emotions. There is a lot of lovely people on here though that have helped me through and all are at different stages. The caring and understanding on this forum really shows itself. There is usually somebody on at all times of day and night as well.
I find that alot does not seem to matter to me at the moment. All I can feel is the pain and grief of losing Alan. Family and friends try to help but they don’t understand unless they have had to deal with it. I would like to be with Alan and when my time comes I no longer fear dying. I know in my heart he will be waiting for me. you will find a few other people who have gone through the same experience and will be able to help. If you ever want to talk anytime just message.
Sending you love Emma xxx
I lost my partner in May and today I have really struggled. I have done the worst thing today I have not kept busy. Memories have filled my head and the things I have been left to deal with are playing heavily on my mind. I just want to be with my partner who passed but my son is still here and needs his mum. He has not showed any emotion and I am searching websites that I feel may help him. His dad collapsed in front of him and he tried to resuscitate him. He is not sleeping well is still doing a hard physical job and I’m worried sick about his lack of emotion. He refuses to go to the gp. I’m also back to work and I’m struggling to cope so God only knows how my son is coping. I have friends that I talk to but they do not really understand the pain I am feeling. I know I need to be strong and carry on but it’s so hard.
Hearrbreak
I lost my partner in May and today I have really struggled. I have done the worst thing today I have not kept busy. Memories have filled my head and the things I have been left to deal with are playing heavily on my mind. I just want to be with my partner who passed but my son is still here and needs his mum. He has not showed any emotion and I am searching websites that I feel may help him. His dad collapsed in front of him and he tried to resuscitate him. He is not sleeping well is still doing a hard physical job and I’m worried sick about his lack of emotion. He refuses to go to the gp. I’m also back to work and I’m struggling to cope so God only knows how my son is coping. I have friends that I talk to but they do not really understand the pain I am feeling. I know I need to be strong and carry on but it’s so hard.
Hearrbreak
I feel exactly like you do. Teo (Teodor) was only 51 years old, we had made plans for our future together. He was my everything. It is not even two weeks and I cannot accept it. I am scared of dying either. My parents love me very much and I don’t want to hurt them… but when the time comes for me I will be happy and ready to join the love of my life.
I meant I am not scared of dying at all
Hello simonetta
My apologies on not being sure of your partner’s name yesterday. It is an unusual and nice name. Yesterday I was having a really bad day and so many tears but Janet helped me to get through it.
You say about your parents, are they supportive with you?. Have you got any other family and friends that you can talk to and that understand?. I have a small amount of family but I never feel that they can totally understand. Apart from my dad who has lived on his own for years after divorcing my mum. He gets the feelings of loneliness but not the grief side, but he admits that. I have a good friend who lives nearby and often talk to Janet as you will see on my posts who has helped me so much. I can talk to them and they don’t judge me.
I like you would never want to hurt my family but the stronger feeling of love and my heart lies with Alan. That may sound horrible to them but he was my life.
My husband and I had quite a big age gap but it worked for us. I knew I would lose him at some point with the age difference and cancer but did not realise how hard it would hit me. I thought every time we got bad news and seeing him deteriorate in health as I cared for him, I would be ready when the time came. He never really recovered from his heart attack when they found the cancer. He just was not strong enough to fight it I think, although he gave it every effort he had. I thought i had done all my crying before he died and would almost feel relief for Alan that he was not suffering any more. I didn’t, I just feel so much pain and loneliness and don’t think I will ever get used to it. I was with Alan when he died but only just got there in time, it was quick. I don’t know if that helped or not because I was not expecting it and was not prepared for it. I can’t imagine having to watch it twice.
Me and Alan had made plans for the future and now I just sit and think that will never happen now. I never got long enough with Alan as we were only together for a short time and I would give everything I have to have longer with him. Were you together long?,not that it makes much difference as to how hard it hits you. I wanted so much in that first couple of weeks to be with Alan and not here but talking to some people on here, they showed me that he would want me to carry on. They also helped me to see that you can carry on as hard as it is. I have not got to the point of acceptance even six weeks in. It does not take much to set me off again but I try to live one day at a time. If I look any further ahead I get overwhelmed.
You say Teo was 51 so you are probably working age like me?. Have work been supportive to you?. A lot of people on here have found counselling to be helpful. I can’t say if it helps because I have not had counselling but some people have gotten it through work. I don’t have that option as I gave up work to look after Alan but would do it again in a heartbeat. I need to go back to work but starting from scratch is just too much for me at the moment. It may be an option. If not maybe the doctor can help you. They also do counselling on this site which people have said are really helpful.
Just remember you will always have the memories and all the good times you had. I know that is no consolation at the moment but you sound like you made each other very happy which means alot. I’m told that this helps us in our grieving to see a way through. If you read through some of the other posts you will see just how many of us are here to help us through the journey and I’m so sorry you had to join us on it. Talk to people on this forum, everybody will answer and can give you some advice on how to get through without judgement. I’ve found Johnathon is usually very positive and further on in the journey, also lynneth who commented on this thread at the very start and daisy -janet. Everyone is so friendly on here though and just talking helps, to get out how you feel to people who understand.
Always here to talk if you need, anytime. I hope myself and everyone else can help you to get through this. You are never on your own on here. Keep posting and talking to us it really does help.
Much love Emma xxx
Hi, I have a wonderful family and wonderful friends. Work has been amazing, I can’t complain. I will go back to work, I am 45, and I teach. Teo was my everything and I cannot see anything that can help right now. It’s so unfair that we could not go together, before he died I asked him to come and get me… I am still waiting…maybe God will grand me this wish… it is not because I am depressed it is just for the practical reason that I want to be with him. … people don’t understand
I understand what you mean. I miss Alan every second of every day. I would give the world to have him back with me or me with him and just to hear his voice, feel safe and secure again in his arms. My heart aches for him and I don’t want to be where he isn’t, I love him so much. I am not depressed like you, just so sad at losing my soulmate and best friend. Like you said just because you are sad it does not make you suicidal.
I came to the conclusion that I was so busy living and looking after Alan that I did not appreciate the time we had. I’m not saying I did not know how lucky I was I did, time just seemed to slip by so quickly and silently. I wish I’d made more use of that time whilst I had it.
I have found that unless it has happened to you it is hard to understand. I will be honest I probably never would have understood before this which is why I can’t blame others for the same. When Alan died I told him how much I loved him and to look after my heart until he came to get me when it’s my turn. I’m still waiting patiently but am afraid I’ve got alot of time on my own before that day comes. I’m only 40 this year Alan was 71.
A few people told me I was left behind for a reason on my own. I can’t see the reason and wish I knew what it was. Maybe that reason will show itself one day and let me know what it is. If I could have chosen we would have gone together. I was told to immerse myself in family life by the doctor but I can’t, it’s feels like I’m all alone in a bubble and I can’t enjoy anything. I was also told to live everyday in his memory and to realise he would not want me sad. I’m struggling to do that as well but each day restarts and I’m still here carrying on the same as before.
It’s good you have family and friends around you. Work being good will help too. I think we may have to be patient for them to come back and get us, in the meantime we will have to rely on others to get us through. Take help from those around you. You can say pretty much anything on this forum and people will understand because they have felt the same. Even if it does not make sense to those around you it will on here.
Take care love Emma x
Hi Simonetta,
I lost the love of my life to lung cancer 16 weeks ago. Every fibre of my heart and soul yearns for him and nothing can move me away from that fact. We went through hell together since he was diagnosed 11 months ago but now I have reached the bottom of hell as this world is a very dark place without him. I too have a wonderful family and friends, I am a deputy head with a super boss, I have many things to be grateful for but I don’t have Daz so ultimately everything else means nothing! (although having them there is a comfort I know) I am disappointed every time I wake up in a morning but somehow through the tears I get through a minute, an hour, a day at a time and that is all we can do although yes I hate my life! I have seen people clinging on to life taking any treatment for various cancers that are offered to them and feel so guilty for saying that but without our soul mates we have no purpose do we?! No people don’t understand but on this forum we certainly do! I am currently having counselling which helps (no I know it won’t bring Daz back but it dies help to be able to talk through my feelings and sob until I’m exhausted in a way, if only to be reassured that this is all “normal” whatever “normal is) so I wonder if that might help you too in some small way? We just want our old life back and would give anything for that to happen…I also have asked Daz to come and get me but of course he won’t because if he did my love, my precious memories of him, will cease to exist here on earth…
I am so sorry for your loss, the pain is unbearable and so, so raw! I understand and empathise. Please take care, Lynn x
Hi Lynn, I too lost my husband of nearly 38 years 9 weeks ago to lung cancer. I did think that the dreadful year of his pain and suffering with a terminal diagnosis from day one would help to prepare for this living hell of loneliness and despair, but of course it hasn’t. I too am surrounded by a loving, supportive family and great friends which is what is keeping me going.
Of course as we all know, nothing can prepare us for this and no-one really has a clue how bad it really is unless you’re living it, so supporting each other is all we can do.
Hi. Simonetta. I am truly sorry to hear of your recent loss. Another platitude I know, but words don’t do a lot do they? Two weeks is an amazingly short time to expect relief, and if I may say that I doubt any one of us has felt differently to you at this time. I feel your pain. We all do because we have all been there.
There is no time limit to this process of grief and everyone handles it in their own way.
Of course you want to be with Teo, and you will in the fullness of time.
My goodness, this all sounds so trite and as if it’s a rehearsed talk. I find it so difficult to express feelings to you as it’s so soon after. But my heart goes out to you, it truly does. God, don’t I know!
Going back to work is a good idea. Being with others lessens the loneliness. But there are still the times when you open the door and there’s no greeting.
We can never ever forget. But the pain does lessen just a bit. A little bit at a time. And all the little bits can add up to big bits.
Some days will be bad some better. But taking them together and realising this is grief, a natural process, helps a bit.
I can only speak from my own experience. My wife died 10 months ago and I’m just beginning to get some little relief. It’s been hard going and i was like you, I just wanted to move on with her.
But I often talked to her and still do. I know she would have wanted me to be better than I have been. It is said that when we suffer they do too.
You may find memories intrude a lot. But try not to dwell on the bad ones but celebrate the good ones. My wife and I had many good years and I’m so grateful for that.
Take care of yourself. Please come back and talk if you want. You have had some good relies to your post so you know how we all feel. Blessings.
Hello Janet
Hope you are having a good day today. What have you been up to?.
I’ve had a better day than yesterday. No crying any rivers today unlike yesterday. Spent most of the day on my own. Went for a walk to Sainsbury’s and met a nurse I used to work with. She did set me off crying but for once I did not worry. I got a few strange looks from a couple of people but most smiled at me. One young lass even brought me some tissues out of her bag. I don’t know who she was but I just said thank you and thought how kind she was.
Then heading home realised I’d forgotten the eggs. Nipped into the local shop and one of the women who work there invited me to go for a coffee with her this week and asked how I was. I overcame my shyness and accepted the invite. Is that a step forward?. She was working the day I went in for emergency supplies the Saturday Alan went into hospital. She asked me again how he was a few weeks ago so I explained he had died. She told me her husband died a year ago with cancer and pneumonia so understood and if I ever wanted to talk. I did not feel up to it then but it beats sitting on my own all day. She was not uncomfortable when I started crying when she asked how he was either. I did warn her I’m not good company but she said no problem I was the same way once and needed someone to talk to. She also lives local. There is some nice people out their.
I saw on the news what you were referring to yesterday. I hope Alan’s son and grandaughter will be ok and not affected. Those people must be so worried.
Did a bit more sewing to Alan’s memory blanket. I even took time out to make myself eat and yes remembered fluids as well.
Other than that been a quiet day talking to Alan and the four walls. Bright sunshine but getting too warm for me. The sunburn is just clearing so thought I’d avoid the sun awhile!. Made myself a nice long list of jobs and phonecalls to do tomorrow. Top of the list phone the doctor’s and try getting past the receptionist!. Next pay the bills all the nice jobs in life. Hope you got some sunshine today.
Take care
Love and hugs
Emma xxx
Hello Janet
Hope you are having a good day today. What have you been up to?.
I’ve had a better day than yesterday. No crying any rivers today unlike yesterday. Spent most of the day on my own. Went for a walk to Sainsbury’s and met a nurse I used to work with. She did set me off crying but for once I did not worry. I got a few strange looks from a couple of people but most smiled at me. One young lass even brought me some tissues out of her bag. I don’t know who she was but I just said thank you and thought how kind she was.
Then heading home realised I’d forgotten the eggs. Nipped into the local shop and one of the women who work there invited me to go for a coffee with her this week and asked how I was. I overcame my shyness and accepted the invite. Is that a step forward?. She was working the day I went in for emergency supplies the Saturday Alan went into hospital. She asked me again how he was a few weeks ago so I explained he had died. She told me her husband died a year ago with cancer and pneumonia so understood and if I ever wanted to talk. I did not feel up to it then but it beats sitting on my own all day. She was not uncomfortable when I started crying when she asked how he was either. I did warn her I’m not good company but she said no problem I was the same way once and needed someone to talk to. She also lives local. There is some nice people out their.
I saw on the news what you were referring to yesterday. I hope Alan’s son and grandaughter will be ok and not affected. Those people must be so worried.
Did a bit more sewing to Alan’s memory blanket. I even took time out to make myself eat and yes remembered fluids as well.
Other than that been a quiet day talking to Alan and the four walls. Bright sunshine but getting too warm for me. The sunburn is just clearing so thought I’d avoid the sun awhile!. Made myself a nice long list of jobs and phonecalls to do tomorrow. Top of the list phone the doctor’s and try getting past the receptionist!. Next pay the bills all the nice jobs in life. Hope you got some sunshine today.
Take care
Love and hugs
Emma xxx
Hello heartbreak
I’m sorry to hear about the loss of your partner. I find the days that I don’t keep myself busy I just sit and cry. All the memories seem to overwhelm me and I just can’t stop crying. Yesterday was a very bad day for me as my husband went into hospital on a Saturday. He told me he loved me on the Sunday and they were his last words to me. On the Monday morning he died whilst I cuddled and talked to him so I hate weekends and mondays. Got tears just thinking about it.
Even opening the mail can be too much at times especially when they relate to Alan. There seems so much paperwork to sort out and I’m still doing it.
It sounds like your son is taking it hard. Judging by what you have said the only thing you can do is be there for him when he really needs you. I know from what you have said you will.
I know what you mean about people not always understanding, it’s not we don’t appreciate it just feel so lonely and misunderstood. If you ever need to talk I’m always here to listen.
I’m not strong I keep crying on people. Now I don’t apologise for it anymore as I can’t stop the emotions.
Sending you love
Emma xx
Hi she123
I thought I had prepared myself when they told my husband he had lung cancer just after Christmas. They found it in September but could not work out what it was after his heart attack. They said his cancer was controllable but not curable. He had chemo but the week before he died they got scan results back. It showed the cancer had grown, it went into his throat so he could send not swallow and was no longer even controllable. My world ended I knew that day he was going to die, he did not understand what they meant. He asked me later what they meant and I said they were looking into different treatments. He accepted this and thought he would be cured. He died four days later never knowing the truth. I don’t regret this little white lie as he was not worrying. He related on me to translate doctor talk. I on the other hand had it weighing on my mind and hated seeing him deteriorate day by day. I tried to take on his suffering to reduce it for him.
I kept up a positive attitude and kept his attitude positive to the end. Now I’m so lonely and miss him. I never realised truly what loneliness was until I lost Alan.
I have some family and a good friend but find this forum gives me the most support. People who are living it really are the best support.
Emma x
Hi Emma
I understand completely what you mean about your husband not really aware of it all.
My husband relied on me to explain all the Drs said. I just kept reassuring him but it was so heartbreaking knowing that I was telling him white lies but to see him smile & feel that he was going to feel better was worth it. I kept smiling & encouraging him & he was far more relaxed . Drs couldn’t believe how he kept going we never asked for a time as we didn’t want to accept it was really going to happen so we just took each day as it came. He was in the Hospice for the last two weeks so he had really wonderful care which I am truly grateful as it was becoming too hard for me to care from him properly I did my best but I wanted him to have proper care & nursing I could then just sit with him & cuddle him & love him . I don’t know if he was aware I was with him for the last week but I really do hope he did know I didn’t leave his side .
Sorry if this has caused any of you distress but it all just came into my mind & I had to write it down. I still can’t believe he is not here I do try & carry on some days are good some are awful but I guess that’s the way it is.
Thinking of you all we understand each others pain .
Take care
Hello unhappy
My husband made me promise not to put him in a hospice. He had never even seen one but he always related a hospice to never leaving it. I explained through my line of work caring that was not always the case as they did respite and pain control as well.
He would not let anyone else help him with personal care other than myself so I did not ask for any help. It could be exhausting as he did not sleep well either and sometimes hard heavy work as he went of his feet. The way I looked at it was I’m youngish and have done this type of work since I was sixteen. I tried to not show how much it affected me so as not to give him anymore anxiety.
He suffered badly with anxiety at times and had been referred to the hospice for counselling. He asked me to make and cancel two appointments as it was in the hospice. I wish he could have seen how good those places are but he could not.
I feel I let him down as he died in hospital and not at home like I promised him. If I’d known how poorly he was that last few days and that he would not come out, I’d have asked them to leave him at home.
I miss him so much and cared for him as best I could with what I had but it still weighs on my mind that I should have seen more onset signs of his illness. I was just so tired and tried to make his days so positive and make good memories.
Now I struggle to remember the good memories but I’m taking it in small steps. Getting through each day is as much as I can think of. I miss him so so much, and still can’t picture my life without him. People say I’m doing well because I’m still doing things like the house, shopping and garden. What choice do I have?. I don’t feel strong, I just do it to distract me for a short while from the tears.
If ever you want to talk I’m here anytime
Take care
Emma xx
Hi Emma I will reply later as I have to go out. As you say “doing well” if only they knew.
Chat this evening . Thinking of you
Unhappy