I know what you mean, no words can make you feel better. I am blessed with an amazing family, I am grateful for that… right now I am, like you I guess, in this black and white world ( I used to tell him very often, since we met, that everything and everyone else was black and white and he was the colors). Yeah I heard and read we have to fulfil a purpose here, I am asking God, Why can I do it quick and just go, I guess my parents would not survive… This is what I would want and I feel guilty towards my parents… This life is quick, hopefully we will be with them soon. They are outside time, they don’t have to wait…we do
Hi Lynn,
They suggest to go a see a therapist but at the moment even a million words said or heard will not stop this pain, it’s like a knife that keeps on stabbing me. My partner had also lung cancer, but we didn’t even had the time to try to fight it, after five weeks a heart attack took him away. No time for a last kiss or a hug nothing… memories don’t help, how do you go on after this? We were not prepared (if you can ever be prepared) he was 51 and so healthy until He was diagnosed, it’s been a shock. I know he is in a better place than me. He is free from cancer and anything else, they are in a better place, maybe they can even see us.
I don’t know how people recover. It’ll be two weeks already that he passed away on Wednesday and three weeks tomorrow since I talked to him and it feels like a lifetime… it’s unfair we cannot choose to go with them if we want to…
Hi Simonetta,
I wish I had some words of comfort for you but as you say no words will make any difference. My counsellor said to me today that he couldn’t put things right for me, he could only be by my side to help me get through it. Sometimes it is so unbearable you can’t put one foot in front of the other, I know, I really do know, we all understand don’t we? My doctor offered me anti depressants and counselling but I said I’m not ill, if Daz walked through the door I would be fine so what’s the point?! Your perception of time will change. It is 16 weeks for me and it seems like a lifetime since I saw his face or heard his voice but like yesterday since he was taken from me…I hate my life as you must hate yours and I don’t know how we recover if I’m honest. The one thing we want is our soul mates back and our old lives back and it is an overwhelming feeling of fear and terror when we realise we can’t have them back…I still feel this, I don’t know if it will ever go away! So what do we do? We breathe, we take a minute, an hour, a day at a time and exist in perpetual misery for the time being while being told to take care of ourselves too! Keep posting here, we will get through it together…
Lynn x
Hi simonetta
Yes my world has lost all colour and meaning. I thought about would anyone miss me when Alan died as that was all I wanted to be with him.
I have family and decided I could not put them through the pain I’m feeling just in case. It does not make me want to be with Alan any less but I think we tend to consider those we love, which stops us doing things we would regret at a later time.
I was at the doctor’s today and said to him I will never understand why this happened and dont know how I would live my life without him. He told me sometimes we have to dance to the music we are given and not the music we have chosen.
I am taking little steps and never plan very far ahead. I will welcome the day I am.with him again but am still trying to work out that purpose for remaining at the moment. At least when we join them we will never be parted again and will have them by our side.forever.
Take care
Emma xxx
Morning Emma
Sorry I didn’t reply last night. I had a lovely day with my sister .Her daughter & new boyfriend came to visit her along with her grandson , we had a lovely day hadn’t seen them since the funeral which made me cry but they were all bright & chatty which was lovely. I came home feeling quite relaxed & just went to bed & I did sleep all night which has made me feel a lot better.
I know how you feel about only remembering the last months of their lives I can’t stop thinking about it. I did find a photo of my darling on his 60 th Birthday he looks so happy & handsome so that makes me feel happy remembering that day so I have put it in a frame & sits next to me & it reminds me of happier time which is helping . It is so tough but we were married 37 years so my “new life” is bound to be hard to adjust to.
I am seeing our youngest son today for lunch so that will be nice.
I do hope you had a better day yesterday & look forward to hearing from you.
I guess we have to keep busy & try not to overthink which is my problem .
Take care
Unhappy 127 x
1 Like
Well Emma, I would miss you for one, and so would many others on here. So you in no way go unappreciated. Your doctor is right. Sometimes we dance to heaven’s music other times to the discordant music of life. I always feel it’s the cards we are dealt when we are born. We can make the most of a bad hand. In some games, remember, four deuces are a winning hand, never mind the royals and aces.
But whatever game we play in life if we do it with love its fine. If we do it just to win and not for the enjoyment then that’s sad.
Yeah!!! Small baby steps. There is no way this grief can be rushed. As much as we would like to be at peace it takes time to establish that frame of mind. Years sometimes. It’s an individual experience. Of course we never forget, but we can make it a bit easier by not looking too far ahead.
The purpose for remaining will be given you. At the moment it all seems to have no direction or meaning. Dark clouds obliterate the sun momentarily, but do pass. It does get a little bit brighter, honest! Take care. Hugs.
Hi,
Bad today, just like yesterday… I joined my sister on holiday just because I can grieve in front of my parents, they get too upset. At least here I can stay at home with not too many questions or prompts to cheer up. They come from a good place and I feel guilty about wanting to follow Teo, I can’t help it… that is where I want to be. You are right we are not sick, they advised me to take antidepressants… they wouldn’t work. It is not a chemical imbalance or lack of serotonine… I had plenty of that when I was with Teo…
I am watching after life documentaries, the scientific ones, they help a little bit. They remind me that this is not the end. Teo is somewhere, I can not see him but maybe he can see me. I am begging him to come and get me, I call his phone and hear his voice and again I tell him to come and get me because he promised me we would be together forever… I don’t want to wait too long for that forever…
I know you understand, it’s not a suicidal thought, it is the desire for a new beginning with him
1 Like
I can’t wait for that moment, They day we have a purpose I cannot see it at the moment. … my parents are the only two people that keep me here. They would not survive the pain, I cannot be that selfish but If I could choose I would be with him by now
Just keep the good memories. You have not lost him, he is in your heart and always will be. Take things slowly step by step. You will see a way ahead, alot of people on here have assured me of that.
Take care Emma x
Hi unhappy,
Sorry I was not ignoring you. I have just had a bad few days sorting out paperwork and appointments. I’m glad you had a lovely day and hope you enjoyed lunch with your son.
I’m still struggling with sleep. I have just got some new pictures of my husband of my stepdad. There is some lovely ones in there and some I thought I’d lost forever. I’m going to get them printed off just in case. So many memories and some were what Alan had taken and sent him. It caused a few tears but also a few smiles looking through them.
I hope you’ve had a good day today. I’ve had my mum here which I love her but she can’t handle death. I had to be a false happy me in front of her but she has gone away happy so all’s good.
Take care Emma x
Hi Emma Its nice to know you can cry without worrying about it. You are one up on me. It was nice for someone to give you tissues. That is Alan looking after you. Take care. love and hugs Janet xxx