My husband wanted the kids and grandchildren over for a holiday dinner last year. He loved to cook. Neither he or I stopped to think how dangerous it would be for us. It turned out one of them had been exposed to the virus Two weeks later he was dead. His own family killed him. How could we be so careless and naive? How do I process this horrific mistake? It’s eating away at me.
Barb, my heart goes out to you and even more so because this weekend I shall be visiting my grandchildren. It’s devastating that he has gone and there are few words that I can write and feel they may comfort you. The thought that this has happened and so very quickly is hard to grasp, my heart truly goes out to you, I just wish I had the right words. Please don’t be angry, it will eat you and your family needs you to be strong. My thoughts, prayers and blessings are with you. S xx
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Thanks Susie for your support. I’m working on eliminating the guilt because I have to believe it was all part of God’s plan. I can’t undo what’s been done. Enjoy your children!! 
Barbara
Hello @Barb11
So sorry for the loss of your husband.
My Marti had underlying health conditions, he was a bus driver, died from COVID.
I feel terribly guilty in that I didn’t beg him to not go back to work after shielding, he was diagnosed at 38 with COPD, he stopped smoking at 38 and never said anything else about it, I feel terrible as I forgot his diagnosis, the guilt I feel is excruciating as I should of threatened to walk out on him if he didn’t listen to me say don’t work, but I knew in my heart he wouldn’t listen to me, he even said at one point he thinks he will catch COVID, I wonder if he had a preminition, why did he say that. I’m battling in my head the why’s, ifs everyday and it’s making me feel crazy. I just feel him always worrying about money was more important to him then me. I try to think that when our time is up then it is, but why, why should his time be up now as he was only 56. I just don’t know what to think, but what I do know is I wish I was gone, as it’s no life without him.
Amy xx
56 is so young. I’m so sorry. Sometimes I just don’t have the words to console people. I wish us both peace.
Hello everyone,
I was going to say good morning …… but there’s nothing good about it, not even the fact I have woken up to start another day.
Guilt is something I too feel after losing my husband and it’s made so much worse by the fact there’s no turning back and putting everything right. Like you guys I try to put things into prospective but that’s just another exhausting procedure.
Martin woke me the morning of him dying, saying he didn’t feel brilliant but couldn’t really explain why. We talked and decided to see how he felt after a little while. I fell a sleep. I remember stirring slightly as he had got up, showered and dressed and made us both a cup of tea. The next thing, our dog was barking at a horrendous noise which woke me and I rushed in to the study and Martin had suffered a heart attack and had gone.
Why didn’t we react sooner? Would it have saved him? We had to have a post Mortem. He had 75% heart disease and apparently I could have lost him months ago. The doctor said he had been living life on a knife edge, all without our knowledge. I try to take comfort from the fact he was at home, not on his own or driving. But it doesn’t really help.
Because I always think what if???
I also find myself reliving silly arguments, days when I didn’t want to go with him, trying to think did I tell him I loved him often enough. Did I take him for granted??
It’s all horrendous
Please take care xx
Hello everyone…
I am feeling exactly the same.
My husband had a bad fall at the start of the 3 month Lockdown early this year…
I blame that Lockdown as medical support was slow and inadequate… We were focusing on his back pain and I would get frustrated with him as he slowly lost faith in the NHS and wouldn’t seek help. Then Depression and anxiety set in with him and he had a heart attack 5 weeks ago and passed away very suddenly…
The guilt is torturous…
Why did I argue with him about doing stupid back exercises instead of just loving him and accepting his fears? What was going through his mind? Why didn’t I ask him more about how he felt?
He once said to me ‘you dont know what it’s like’… Why didn’t I focus on the emotional instead of the practical? I just wanted this miraculous recovery that never happened…
Why didn’t he have some warning signs of heart problems? Two of his friends did, and received treatment and are still here…
It is ironic that he was worried about them when all along this frightful cruel trick was about to be played on him…
41 years of being together and it ends like this… I wish I had told him more that I loved him… I wish I had held his hand more…
Looking back I can see now that he was becoming weaker. I kept saying I wanted to call an ambulance but he said he would refuse to get in it…
(his experience at hospital in April was not a good one… no holistic care… Just ticking boxes)…
I dont feel the ‘good’ person I thought I was anymore… just a shell and a functioning machine…
Lots of anger too about the way he was treated by some health care ‘professionals’.
There is alot of good in the NHS but not everyones experience is a good one.
I wish people would remember this when waving their flag for the NHS!
My husband was let down very badly by them which caused his demise…
But I wish I had been ‘there for him’ more, and now it’s too late and I will have to live with that…
Hi Katie and Dee. I’ve read both of your posts and I feel your heartache. I know you’re feelings of guilt. I too experience guilt over my Lenny‘s passing. I keep asking myself why, how, what if, why did we? It gets us nowhere. I do know how truly therapeutic it is to post and express our feelings on this website. Putting it down on paper, trying to sort it all out, I would hope is another step in the healing process.
Barbara