How do i deal with this pain?

Tomorrow will be 4 weeks since i lost my Mum to cancer. The pain is so intense that it feels like i can’t breathe. The last few years have been spent attending appointments, booking scans, trying to be positive about upcoming results etc. I feel i don’t know what to do with myself. After Mum’s last scan where we told that the cancer had spread, i was able to move Mum in with me and care for her, just be with her but i still feel that i should have done more. How am i supposed to go without her :pensive:


Dear @Angel23

I am sorry to hear of the loss of your mum and for the pain you are going through. You are still in the early stages of grief and it is a horrible rollercoaster ride of emotions from feeling lost, alone and having good days and bad days. All of which is part of the grieving process.

It might be useful for you if you have not done so already to book an appointment with your doctor to let them know how you are feeling and that you are recently bereaved and see what support they can offer you.

I would like to share a few resources with you by Sue Ryder which will be of support and help to you in the meantime.

  • The self-help platform which has information, resources and advice to help you through your grief Grief Guide
  • Grief Coach text service, which sends you personalised text support via SMS. This service is also useful for family and friends
  • Information on the Stages of Grief
  • Bereavement Information pages which can walk you through what you are going through
  • There is also a blog on Losing a Parent which may be of help and support to you.

You can connect with members who have been in a similar situation as yourself by using the search bar above. You are not alone, we understand what you are going through.

I am sure you did everything possible for your mum at the time of caring for her. You carry on by taking one day at a time and being gentle with yourself. Your mum would want this for you. Have you friends and family you can chat to? In time the pain will ease but this does not mean you forget or love your mum any less.

If you need someone just to chat to there is always the Samaritans on 116 123. It is a free and confidential service available 24/7, 365 days a year.

Please continue to reach out at any time, we are all here for you.

Take care.

Peppers x


Hi Angel23,

I’m very sorry for your loss. Four weeks since losing your mum is no time at all and the raw grief that comes with losing someone so close can feel completely overwhelming and unbearable.

I lost my Dad six months ago to a cancer re-occurance. My dad is my favourite person and when he was first diagnosed in 2020 we felt like even more of a team. I went to every appointment with him and everytime we got the all clear I let my guard down that he would be cured like doctors told us.

The cancer came back last September and I moved back in with my parents to take over dad’s care, but he sadly died 8 weeks later. When he died the void left behind was excruitating. Trying to support and care for dad had become my only focus, with work and everything else put on hold. When he died I felt like I had been transported to another planet and since then I have been trying to navigate the grief and I am trying to figure out what life will look like now.

I know it won’t ease the pain but it sounds like you were an incredible support for your mum.

When my dad died I struggled with feelings of guilt for months and no matter how many people who told me I did a good job caring for dad (including my dad) it didn’t stop these feelings that I could or should have done more. I think this is a common reaction.

I am still trying to figure out how to go on without my Dad. I just try to get through the day and if I feel sad, happy or terrified that’s ok. Trying to maintain the basics like eating, sleep and water also helps. Grief can feel so overwhelming that at times I think we can forget that without these things we may feel worse.

This site is very helpful. There are lots of people here who sadly understand the pain of grief. I feel understood here.



Thank you Peppers,
I understand you saying that just have to go through the basics, which even that im struggling with. I appreciate all the support you have recommended.

1 Like

Hi Katherine 86,
Thank for your kind words. Im sorry for your loss and completely understand how you are feeling. I know that i have to do one day at a time, really appreciate the support on this forum.

1 Like

Hi @Angel23 i dont have any advice at all im afraid, i lost my dad last thursday to cancer, its literally torn my soul out…but i. Here if you want to talk. Sending much love.

One day and one step at a time. I lost my Dad 7 months ago, we only had a couple of days to prepare ourselves and ive taken it really hard and blamed myself for lots of things. I had 8 weeks of grief counselling and honestly it was hard but really helped.
The better days will come back but the bad ones will still lurk there and reappear but you just learn to ride the waves.

This site is amazing and everyone understands. Sending you love x

1 Like