How do I do this alone with no family or friends about?

Coping with bereavement
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I read bereavement experiences but I don’t come across people who have to live through this almost totally alone. Please, at least, I need reassurance that I’m not the only one in this situation.

I’m in a uniquely almost fatal position and I’m worried for myself already. My beloved Grandmother is dying and she is in the USA. I am in the UK. She doesn’t have much time. She is the only person in my life who has showed me real love.

I have no one here. I am estranged from both parents, I don’t have my friends close by in this city, no spouse, no dog, cat, pets and I work from home. I don’t live with friends, only housemates. Whilst they are nice, they are not friends in the sense of the word.

Earlier today I was almost panicking from anticipatory grief. I walked for a long time into town and bought some meal replacement drinks because I’m loosing my appetite. If I can’t eat 350kcal, I’ll have to drink it. The world started falling apart. Everything became grey, cold, empty, meaningless. I didn’t want to go back into my room. It felt too lonely. I felt it would make me go crazy with loneliness.

I’m a little scared to go to sleep. I look at my bed and I have no one to hug, no one to love and to talk to. If I could fall asleep hugging a partner, I’d feel better.

I’ve struggled immensely with loneliness in life. It has been my running theme - bullied at school, abused at home, I had nowhere, no one. It has taken me almost two decades to recover and I’m still doing so. As a consequence of the neglect, I have always found it hard to believe in love hence my single-ness for 34 years and counting.

My Grandmother is the one who sailed with me whilst I have worked on improving my mental health. I felt safe and I felt I was growing. As long as I could call her, I knew I was okay and supported. Through her and with her by my side I felt I could step into the world. I’m here as I am because of her.

The reality today is that I now have to do this by myself. We can no longer talk about my day. She is too tired. Part of the adjustment is knowing that these conversations will never happen again.

I am angry that I have this huge block in my head that feels it is impossible to find love.

There is only one consolation in life that might help me and that is to have my own child. The only thing that will match the love I have for Grandma is to love my own child.

For those of you who dealt with a grief alone, how did you cope? I have friends on WhatsApp but otherwise I think I might need psychological help when she does pass.

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I am sitting here alone having lost my partner on 5th November. We were all each other had and we knew it. Like you, I was bullied and abused. I did not have a lovely gran and Please take strength from the strength she has imparted to and in you. It will not be easy I know. Sending Love :heartbeat:

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Nadakan - You are sad about your Gran but have a wonderful relationship with her. Make sure you say everything you need to say while you can to thank her for being such a big part of your life. A lot of us on this site can relate to being alone or can’t get out of the house or visit friends and it leaves us feeling very lonely… You are searching for something stable in your life at present but having your own child at this moment is looking for someone to love you to dull your pain. That is possibly what you are craving at present. You will find lots of love and care on this site if you keep posting which will help you until your life can get more organized. One day you may even get the relationship and the child you want. Take one step at a time. We are all with you.

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I’m so sorry to read this post, it really comes through how sad and alone you are feeling right now. Do you have any way to talk to your grandmother by phone or video chat? Can the carers at her end set that up for you?

You have clearly worked hard to recover from the effects of an abusive childhood, and you should be proud of the progress you’ve made, but it’s understandable that this will be an ongoing process, and that losing your grandmother may feel like it has set that process back for you. Grief is natural, and something you have to go through in your own way, but you may wish to consider getting some support to deal with the impact of the bereavement. For example, we have an online bereavement counselling service, where you can talk to a counsellor via video chat. This includes support with anticipatory grief. www.sueryder.org/counselling

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Hi @Nadakan.

I so feel for you. First of all on a practical note - there are exemptions to the travel ban into the USA for close relatives, so you might be able to fly over. The US Embassy could help, if you want to do that.
Secondly, you are alone and you have suffered a lot of trauma in your life. I know that feels terrible - I too have had a lot of trauma in my life. I guess I’m older than you - the dreaded 6 Zero. I met my husband during a low point 20 years ago. By then I’d already had therapy that healed much of the trauma. There is good therapy out there, although it is terribly difficult to find with the dreadful state of NHS mental health services. There are also charities who can help you find therapy.
Then I had many years of bliss. My husband also had had a difficult life, and we managed to totally heal each other. I am now a different person.
So please don’t give up. You sound like a very kind, caring and insightful person. I remember being in my 20s and moaning to a friend who was much older that I needed and wanted to find love. The friend replied, ‘you are not ready for love yet. When you are ready, it will come.’
And it did.
Beyond that, if you can’t go to see your grandmother, there are all sorts of ways to reach out - send her a letter, a photograph, whatever expresses your feelings and would mean something to her. Talk to her and remember always that although she might not be able to reply she should still be able to hear you.
Take care of yourself too. Eat as much as you can, sleep as much as you can. And know that better times will come.
Christie xxx

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@Christie thank you for that so valuable nugget of information to travel to the US. I had kind of known about it but didn’t think it was plausible. If it is, I will look up online and contact the embassy. I saw my therapist today. She was lovely. I felt safe and cared for. She even said that if I want to hold her hand if I’m upset that I can which feels weird because having close contact with another person like that I’m not used to. Thank you for your wonderful advice.

@Priscilla thank you for the link so much. I will look into this . I do talk to her on video chat. Tonight I felt a bit of relief because she asked me ‘what news?’ which means she is feeling stronger enough today. Her voice is fragile and she is slow to walk anywhere but she is eating better and drinking water a lot. It’s still cancer but at least she has an appetite. I can sleep a bit better tonight. It kind of sound selfish to say that but…the grief, the idea of it, scares me so much. Maybe, also, I’ve felt exhausted by my up and down emotions the past two days. I’m tired.

@Jean2 thank you Jean. You are probably right. Loving a child may just be projection at this moment. Thank you for letting me know that you and others are here for me. I, too, am here for others. :slight_smile:

@lizzles I’m so sorry you have had those experiences and the loss of your partner. A virtual hug to you hug. Love back to you :heart:

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Christie,

What a lovely message you left for Nadakan poor love I didn’t add to them because they were perfect.

Although I answered yours three times, I’ve had a problem replying to yours about the death of your beloved, and all I got back from yours was a resend of the original about what happened. I felt it was SO hard because it was all too quick and must have been a terrible shock - which was maybe better for him as he did not have to long to suffer. I wondered how old he was but in yours to Nadaken I think you are in your 60s. That is far too young for either of you. I think her contribution expresses feelings many of us do have and for me still do, 6 years on. It is difficult to say so as we are meant to be over it. I wonder how many of us are. Life has to be contended with and it can be diffuser stuff. Then we no longer have that one person we would go to for support.

I had answered one of yours at least, before you contacted me privately, as I remember you being Christie and Kirsty. I did hope you have felt supported, maybe have children.
I can’t remember whether or not you have animals? Does writing help? I think being bale to be creative is a blessing.

I don’t get Reply to click on below our discussions so don;'t know how to respoind. Hence I am responding here.

Antoinette

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I dunno, Antionette. But it has helped me. What has also helped me has my belief in God, however dubious that may seem, given the current state of the world.

Best Wishes,

Kirsty xxx