My mum died of terminal cancer in February. After a very long wait we finally have her funeral next week. As the day gets closer I’m starting to feel more and more anxious about it. I’m dreading the day and have no idea how I will get through it. Does anyone have any coping strategies that have helped them?
Sorry for the loss of your mum. My mum died of cancer too last May and her funeral wasn’t until July and for me the long wait in between only heightened my anxiety for the day as it was such a long ‘build up’. For me, from a practical point of view, the day before I made sure I got plenty of rest as I knew I wouldn’t sleep that night. I made arrangements to stay with family the night of the funeral because I knew I wouldn’t want to be alone and booked the day off work for the next day and had already told my children’s school they wouldn’t be in the day after the funeral as I knew I wouldn’t be up to much. On the day of the funeral I made sure I got up early so I could take my time getting ready and just took one step at a time. Throughout the whole day I just told myself over and over ’ I can do this for mum, everything she did for me so I can be strong for her’ and that really helped. The church and cremation services just passed in a surreal blur to be honest but I made sure I walked in and out with my dad who I knew I could physically lean on for support because there were times when my legs nearly gave way wobbling 
. At times of it I just had to remind myself to breathe. At the wake I found it quite overwhelming, everyone coming up to me with stories and giving condolences so made sure I got a break every now and then and went outside for some fresh air. Honestly one of the hardest parts was when everyone had gone home at the wake and your left to clear up and it was just ‘over’, everyone gone back to their lives while your still in this cloud of grief. Sorry it was a long response I just couldn’t scroll on as I remember feeling this way too and thinking I will never get through it. I hope the day goes as well as it can do for you and I’m sure you will do her proud 
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Thank you for taking the time to share that with me. I feel the same about the long wait for the funeral. It’s like being stuck in limbo and as the funeral date approaches the anxiety ramps up. I’d had a few weeks where I could almost pretend that it wasn’t happening but that’s no longer an option and I’m back to crying a lot and feeling so sad. I like that you told yourself that you could do it for your mum, I’m going to try and do that too. Remembering to do some deep breathing and taking some time out at the wake when things get too much are also things I will try to do. Thank you x
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Hi,
Such lovely replies with suggestions given.
I found that being as organised as possible the night before helped. Things like getting clothes ready, double checking the arrangements, meeting family members early on the evening so you have time to rest yourself. Then up super early to have a little ME time for yourself before you feel you are on a conveyer belt.
Get ready allowing plenty of time. Don’t answer phone calls or messages that aren’t important. Put yourself first. Eat something to keep you going. Allow plenty of time to be ready in case anyone calls unexpectedly. If poss ask a family member to deal with any phone calls , visitors etc.
Listen to the little voice in your head telling you how proud your mum is of you. It will keep you going. The day will be a blur but you will get through it somehow.
The wake after is hard listening to people talk and relate stories.
I made a display of photos about my mum throughout her life so that helped as people mingled and looked at them which took the pressure off me a little.
Try to arrange for any clearing up afterwards to be done by other people. I had to clear the room we hired in a hotel and it was very difficult to do after everyone had left.
Apologies if I have repeated what others have written.
Thinking of you
Deborah x
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Thank you so much for sharing Deborah. Some me time first thing sounds like a great idea. I’ll see if I can get a short walk in before we have to go out. I’ll definitely sort out clothes and something simple to eat for breakfast before the day so there are less things to think about. My dad has photos of mum’s life to run during one of the songs at the funeral and I think he plans on having them at the wake too. I’m going to go over to see what he’s picked this weekend so I know what’s coming and can hopefully get some of the crying out of the way this weekend as they won’t then come as a surprise.
The thing I’m dreading the most (and what’s keeping me awake at night) is seeing the hearse pull up outside my parent’s house. I miss her so much.
Hi Snowdrop 2,
Yes it’s all awful to watch on the day. Everything was for me too. Seeing mum put into the hearse and my husband moving me away from it was heartbreaking because I didn’t want to let go of her. But that little voice inside me kept me going and gave me the strength to do mum proud and I feel I really did.
Having ME time could simply mean staying in a bedroom alone ,visiting on the bed just in silence. That is enough. Just having no interruptions is the important bit. Explain to everyone you just need 10 minutes to sort yourself out. Time out sort of thing. Do it after you are dressed and just about ready to go. Then join everyone else , hold your head up high and listen to the little voice in your head.
Believe in yourself and you will get through it.
Collapse in a heap afterwards. Take one day at a time ok
Sending love
Deborah
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I’m so sorry for your loss @Snowdrop2 and fully understand your concerns and anxieties leading up to the funeral next week.
My Dad passed away quite suddenly, after a 12 day stay in hospital. Although he was 91, and pretty healthy up until his short illness, I can’t say any of us were really prepared. Leading up to the funeral my adult daughter, husband and I did everything re the service arrangements as we wanted to keep my Mum from the further upset of it all. We did all pick photos together though and that photo tribute during the service was beautiful. We included funny pictures as well as sensible ones and it was lovely at the service to hear the guests gently laugh. My Dad would have loved that. For me, I didn’t find that part of the service sad at all as there were so many happy memories flashing up on the screen. I’m sure you’ll feel this too when you see your beloved Mum and remember all that she was to you and the happy times and memories you made together.
I too was dreading the hearse arriving and had originally asked the funeral directors to park the car up the road a bit and not outside the house so we didn’t have to see it straight away. On the day, as we were getting in the car, I asked the directors to bring the hearse to outside the house so my Dad could leave his house for the last time! They must have thought me nuts to have changed my mind on the day but they were fantastic! Ahead of the day, I also asked for a family member to drive his car in-between the hearse and our funeral limo and that softened our journey so much, not having to drive directly behind the hearse and viewing my Dad’s coffin for the whole journey.
Wishing you all the best for next week’s service. I’m sure you’ll make your Mum so incredibly proud.
Kate
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I’m sorry to hear about your dad Kate and thank you for sharing your story. It is helping to hear about the things other people have done to help them get through the day. It was a lovely idea to take your dad’s car to accompany him on his last journey.
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You’re more than welcome @Snowdrop2 and I’m sure your Mum’s day will be just perfect as a tribute to her life
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