Once again I’ve woken up with no energy to do anything, I feel sick and exhausted… 5 months ago I lost my partner and his beloved boy, his beagle, suddenly, to a fatal accident while he was away on one of his wild camping trips. 
My soul literally left my body the day I was told they had both passed away. I’ve never felt pain like it in my entire life. My best friend, my soulmate, my life partner, the one person who has always been there for me, My two boys who I was suppose to get a little home with this year, gone, forever. The first thing I said is “I want to see him”… I’ll never forget laying on my partners chest and not feeling his heartbeat. I remember looking at him asking him to wake up. Telling him I can’t do this, I can’t live without him. I held his face while I kissed his cheek, his forehead, over and over again, crying, asking why he had to leave me, I know he didn’t mean to. People keep saying that as time goes on, it’ll get easier, I’ve never heard such nonsense in my life. As time goes on, it gets harder. I keep counting the days of how long it’s been since I last saw him alive, since I last got to kiss him, cuddle him, laugh with him. There isn’t a day where I don’t cry. These past 2 weeks have been the worst, I got to a point of despair last night, I’m in pain all day everyday and it won’t stop, it can’t stop, because you can’t bring them back. I know this sounds horrible but I hate seeing people get their homes together, we were suppose to get ours this year. I hate seeing people have babies, as I’ll never get to have his babies, or any at all, because he’s the only person I wanted those things with, a little home, babies, marriage. We will never get that now, I’m not just grieving for my loss, I’m grieving for his loss too, why do we not get to have our happy ending? Life is so cruel. How can I learn to cope with this? I just don’t know anymore. My heart is broken.
HI Katie, I see so much of how I felt in your loss. My wife and I moved into our house on Xmas eve 2021, on Xmas day she started coughing up spots of blood. She died 11 months later. It was so hard being in the new place with all the promise around us and knowing it was never going to be. It’s reall. Really hard to let go of those plans and dreams, so unfair. I can only speak from my experience but at around 4-5 months I had a terrible time, right back to ground zero. I have since realised that it must have been the shock wearing off, my brain was letting things in that it thought I could deal with. It’s taken a good few weeks but I seem to be building myself back out of it. Hang in there, be patient with yourself, keep reaching out on here. Sometimes its really hard to look to the long term, to know you will get through.
I feel every bit of your pain in what you have written. And I have felt all of that. I wanted to reach out to you to let you know you are not alone that what you are feeling is normal. I’m 6 months in on my journey, having my partner at 49 die suddenly and unexpectedly away from home from a cardiac arrest.
The trauma you are going through is horrific and a lot of us here have been through it and are still going through it.
I see so many similarities in your post. I wish you well and hope the days can get a little lighter for you soon.
I’m so sorry to hear about your wife. I can’t imagine what it’s like being in your home without her. Thank you for being able to respond to me. Lots of people have said it is the shock wearing off, the lead up to actually finding my partner and his beagle passed away was horrendous, when they didn’t return home as planned I had to alert the police & mountain rescue, I couldn’t believe what was happening, what I was having to do. I then went through with his little sister, to where the search was taking place, we helped look and we stayed on site in case they were found. We never left. We said we wouldn’t, not without them both. Me and his little sister have done so much from that moment onwards and it’s been go go go, but now it’s quietening down, the reality is hitting me hard and I think my brain is finally having to accept that they’re never coming back. X
@Katiew9 I’m so sorry for your loss, it’s absolutely heart-breaking isn’t it? The hopes and dreams we have all had an then bang, our partner is gone. My partner died almost 5 weeks ago and I feel so lost without him. I’ve realised just how much I loved him by the sheer intensity of the pain and grief following his passing. I don’t have any answers apart from the usual, hour by hour, keep trying to reach out to people, try and maintain a support network, as hard as it can be sometimes. I forced myself out of the house yesterday to meet a friend for a walk, it was quite a long walk, which helped in the end. But my problem is most of time, even when I’m with people, my mind drifts back to my partner and I remember the horrible phone call all over again.
I’m so sorry to hear that you can relate. We’re living in one cruel world. Sending you hugs & love. Thank you for responding. xx
It really is, it’s so hard thinking about everything not just me, but what he has been robbed of. All the things we will never get to experience together. I didn’t think I could love him anymore than I already do, but I love him more and more everyday. Well done for getting out the house and being social, it doesn’t matter if you start thinking of your partner during, that’s normal, what matters is you’re out there trying, so well done. The only people I socialise with at the minute is my partners family, I’ve become very close with his sister and I’m very grateful for her. Take care and thank you for responding. xx
Katie it sounds as if you did absolutely everything that you could think of to help your partner. He would be so proud and I’m sure wherever he was in any day he knew that you loved him.
Not too sure of your situation but I found trying to build little routines helped, like going for a walk or making some food. In these routines I could have the space to reflect and process a bit, especially with the walking as that took me away from triggers in the home. But what I found really useful about these little routines was that they were there when I needed them, no decisions to be made I could just do something.