How do I plan ahead

Looking to the future
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This is my first time in joining a forum but wondered if anyone can help me to try and plan my life without my husband who died in May 2016. We had been together for over 40 years.

I don’t want to burden my son and daughter both of whom have their own battles of grief. I have continued to work full time which has helped but now for whatever reason, I find myself struggling to think what am I going to do. All the plans we had have gone, no more looking forward to getting home, pretending to everyone that I am fine. My husband was my guide, he made me laugh, he made me feel safe, he made me feel loved.

Sorry if this seems random but hoping that someone understands what I am trying to say

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Scoobie - I’m so sorry to read of your distressing situation and I do agree about the plans we make that abruptly cease to be and how hard this is. It’s not necessarily the grand plans but the most mundane and insignificant things that we once before took for granted. I lost my Husband in October 16, and the sense of loss seems to be hitting harder. I am 51. I wish I could be more positive for you, but I so much send my heartfelt empathy and warmest regards and to let you know that yes, your feelings are completely understood. Carry on posting if it helps or private message if you like, either is ok.

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Hello,

I understand what you are going through, 40 years is a very long time to share your life with your husband, I was together with mine for 15 but he was my best friend and made me laugh and feel special every day, he always kissed the ring everyday. I’ve just been keeping myself busy but there is now a big part of my life that is missing, and the thought of him not being here to share this rest of my life is upsetting! All the plans etc even the smallest ones like what to make for dinner or what to watch! Sometimes they are the hardest! Xx

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Hello Sylv37
I too was married for 15 years, I know what you mean, the most trivial of plans are the hardest I think, the plans that were the fabric of our everyday, mundane lives. And I mean ‘mundane’ in a good way.

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Hi Tina 19
You are so right about the mundane life that before never seemed a problem but now you wonder what’s the point, which is a statement I try not to use to my children or friends as they immediately think that I will take my own life, which to be honest I could have done at a anytime since I lost him, but I just cannot see any point in carrying on with work, food shopping, looking forward to the weekend but dreading the two days of complete loneliness. And am I the only one who starts a conversation with random strangers at the shops or in the local costa

If I hear one more comment about taking up a hobby I will scream.

When Pete was alive I didn’t need a hobby we had our life and each other. Let’s not eve star on those so called friends who were happy to have dinner with us regularly but who now have failed to even send a text, I suppose they think that dinner for 3 is strange

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Hi Sylv37

So sorry to hear of your loss after such a short time, all the plans you make gone in a heartbeat.

Like you I try and keep busy and of course family and friends think how marvellous you are but all the time the physical and mental pain is complete torture

like you shopping for meals leaves me cold but thankfully I have never been known for my culinary skills and sometimes take a detour from my route home via Burger King, eat it feel guilty and then realise I can please myself

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Hi Scoobi
Your post totally resonated with me I lost my husband in February 2016 after 18 1/2 years together and I am at the point you are where to go from here when part of you just doesn’t want to be here regardless of the love we feel for our children wondering who will love me now how do I even begin to move forward I guess what I have been doing is trying to live in the moment after all the future is not promised and let’s face it it’s scary and exhausting worrying about it. I also try to do something different every so often nothing massive I’m not up to that and in between I’m still very much in enforced isolation apart from work which is a necessary evil but I know that unless I push myself my grief will overwhelm me and that terrifies me I intend to take up certain things I always wanted to try despite not really being that interested in anything anymore but I can’t bear the relentlessness of my thoughts and feelings any longer and so through gritted teeth I will try to carry on I think get to your one year anniversary of your husbands death and try small things it’s still quite raw for me and I suspect it is the same for you allow yourself time to heal in between you have to discover what your new normal is and for both of us I think it will take time as it was not something we wanted so we are filled with resistance and sadness. Also maybe find someone to talk to a bereavement group I’m in one and although it’s no magic pill it is a comfort talking with people that are experiencing the same situation or share on here don’t say your ok because your not and holding your feelings in trust me when I say your grief will find a way to the surface one way or another. Also know you are not alone regardless of how you feel there are some lovely people on here in the same boat who understand so that may help also xx

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Hi Scobbie im sorry for your loss .No your not alone ill talk to anyone in a shop .They smile i say hi and whoosh im up and running the look of horror i get (possibly thinking i only smiled )Take up a hobbie no but do have some me time as when you return to reality your nightmare is still there .Time is a great healer i disagree time forces you to think a different way .Ilost my darling wife 040320126 on her 41st birthday (im 57 ) and i still take things day by day .Sleep upstairs my neighbour said i replied you have to be joking .Ill sleep downstairs (i havent slept in our bed since she died ).Hoping you find bits of happiness at times Colin

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Colin sounds like although grief is different for everyone it all boils down to one thing - loss

This evening after work I took the dogs out to our local forest as I do most evenings, and I found myself talking to myself out loud, no one around thankfully. I began to a question if I really understood how ill my husband was, did I really see the difficulty he had in walking, did I blank out his breathing problems, did I have selective hearing each time we visited the consultants - perhaps I did but when you find your soulmate for some reason you just think you are both invincible and that you will both end your days together but much older of course.

I am sorry that you cannot sleep in the same bed you shared, and to be honest I did the same thing and slept downstairs in his recliner chair, however I soon found out that waking with aches and pains wasn’t helping so decided to go bake to our bed but took one of his vests with me and today it’s my comfort blanket.

Thanks for your kind thoughts

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Hello Scoobie (and anyone else following this thread!)
I hope that you are feeling more at peace this morning and am just messaging you to say that everything you are experiencing is as “normal” as anything can be on this journey. I lost my soul mate nine months ago and am, if possible, struggling even more now than before but I have come to the conclusion that grief is like being on a boat in a storm…some days are more calm than others and some days the wind whips up and we are tossed and turned and in danger of tipping over…there doesn’t seem to be anything we (or anyone else) can do but let love be the captain of our boat…love put us in this place and it is love will eventually take us to a safe harbour…somehow we must just believe that! Don’t give up Scoobie…take care of yourself as best you can and the storm must pass.

1 Like
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Dear ameliesgran,
I have not been on the site for quite a while but I have been following this thread with great interest and I found your comment so comforting. I agree with everything you say. You are so right about love, if we had not loved our husbands so much we would not be feeling this but I would not have given up the 28 years I had with my husband for anything. I lost my husband suddenly seven months ago and have been living with my sister since then as I could not bear to be in the house.

I was just starting to feel a bit more normal when my younger sister go the flu. It was a very virulent strain that attacked her heart and she passed away on 17th February this year.

She was 57 and so full of life and healthy. I feel awful most of the time and have got my awful anxiety back which had started to east. I am plodding through each day and am trying to help myself by reading self help books, praying for strength, having meditation and going to a bereavement group. I have also started going to AA again for the support as I hit the bottle when my Dad died and I dont want to do that again.

I also have been thinking whats the point but could not tell my family this as they would worry and they are grieving as well. But I am finding it hard to put one foot in front of the other. I have been to the cinema twice with my sister and been out shopping and to lunch, dinner etc but I said to my daughter I wonder if I will ever feel happy again.

I do not want to die but I living is very difficult at the moment and I am sure you are all feeling the same. I have put my house on the market and I will buy a house nearer my family. I have decided to rent first to get used to the area and then decide where I buy.

I have been looking at rental properties with my sister. I managed to tell her how I felt yesterday about this. I told her I know I have to get my own place and move on whatever that means. But I am terrified and feel such a wimp for being so frightened at my age. The idea of being on my own is freaking me out but I have no choice, I will have to build a new life slowly without the support of my Kevin. I know what you mean about mundane we just loved the simple things in life, sitting in the garden in the sun reading the papers and Sunday dinner.

I have a good family round me but cant believe my lovely sister is gone I stayed with her a few times and she was so bubbly and made me laugh. I have a daughter and son-in-law and two lovely grandsons and I stay with them sometimes but they have their own life to lead.

I know I am not going to feel happy anytime soon but it would be nice to feel normal again if only for a few hours, I just have no pep I need my mojo back.

It brings me comfort to know I am not alone and that it is normal to feel all these things, and I try to get some inspiration from wherever I can.

I send my best wishes to all of you in the same situation.

Best wishes

Annie

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Annie. I am truly sorry to read about another devastating blow for you. I know there are no words adequate. I have not openly posted as much recently as I had been a bit embarrassed, it’s been nearly 6 months and very few of the members that were around at that time were still posting so I thought everyone else was finding courage to move on, so why couldn’t I - I know now this is not exactly the case.
Personally, I feel worse with the passage of time. Like you Annie, I was so distressed I couldn’t stay in our home. I have been living with family 25 miles away but I think it will have to be sold. I don’t think I could bear living there and have only been back an afternoon at a time to check on things. It’s like walking back into a life that was mine, but is now no longer. Yet at the same time the life that goes on from the window is the same, and it should have my Husband it, but it doesn’t. I’m not sure if grieving away from our home was the right thing to do but I had no close friends or family there. I know what uncertainty and apprehension you may be feeling with your living arrangements. It’s a frightening time and sometimes the fear is overwhelming. Warmest regards.

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His scoobie i really do not know is the answer. I am 48 and just tryin to get my head around goin back to work. I don’t even care now really. I worked hard. (We both did). To get home at nights.have tea.cosy in. Watch TV. Nothin special… So looked forward to Friday nights…curry night.!!! Weekends and wee holidays here and there as he got more ill…but big holidays too. Now I feel what’s the point? We didn’t ask for a lot out of life and we’re both good and caring people. However.thats not the way it goes I’m afraid.its good you carried on so well soon after your husbands death but just goes to prove that grief has no rules of time. It’s lovely that you can think of protecting your son and daughters feelings.its very brave. I have a son. My darling and I were together 28 years and I would give anything to kiss his cheek again and tell him that I love him. I wish I had a better answer for you but maybe just sharing some common grief can reduce it a little. I wish I wasn’t 48 and will probably have such a time to ensure without my man who was my world.take care and thinking of you tonight.xx

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Hi Tina
I hear what your saying.
Friends ( ex friend ) say sorry didn’t come round but did not like seeing David like that.
The fact that you have needed people to come round and be normal around him.
Dave had Alzhiemer but still remember on good days .
I still took him on holidays etc and he loved them ,we had travelled all over the world .
Which I am grateful for cause I know we had a Brilliant life together.
My family are the same ,join a club ,look up holidays for singles.even one suggested that I go on a dating site.
What planet are they on.
After looking after David for 10yrs and having such a great life together .
It’s the evenings and weekends that are so lonely.
My normal Friday till Slimming Club Monday evening the only people are speak to are shop assistants.Cry all the time for the wonderful life we had and now I’ve lost .
My Lover,Best Friend and Companion.
Omg I could go and on .but you all know how I feel.

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Dear Tina,
So lovely to hear from you again. I see what you mean about grieving away from home but to be honest it does not matter where I live I will still miss Kevin as I am sure is the same for you. The person that made us feel safe and home home is gone it is just a house now. Please message me when you want to as we are both in the same boad.

Love Annxxx

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It’s so hard when you start to emerge from those awful first months of grief and start thinking about the future. Well meaning people have suggested joining a club, but how can a club even begin to fill the void?

And what about moving house? All the advice is not to make any major decisions for at least a year. I can understand why. After five months of grieving I’m still not thinking straight, and the thought of going through my wife’s things and throwing away what I won’t be able to move is impossible. For some I guess leaving all the physical reminders behind might be a relief, but for me right now I want to leave the ornaments, photos, and furniture exactly as my wife wanted them. I’m not quite sure why, but maybe it gives the illusion she is still present.

I know eventually I will have to start planning a future without her, but how do you let go of 42 years of marriage? It’s taking me all my strength and courage just to keep going from one day to the next. Where is that safe harbour amelie’s gran mentioned?

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Hi Neil
I know just how you feel.
People mean well but they just dont know .
Clubs well that does help until you walk into an empty house and can hear the clock ticking.
Its been nearly 21 months now and I still can not sort out my husbands things.
His been laying next to me for the 48 yrs and I still turn over to give him a cuddle.
My husband suffered from Alzheimers and I looked after him for 10 yrs but the last
8 months were the worst .
Do want I do and take one day at a time if something doesn’t get done to day
Try again tomorrow.There’s not a time limit on Grief

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Hi Orlando, thank you for your reply. Those 10 years must have been so hard for you but I’m sure your husband really appreciated what you did for him. One day at a time has served me well until now, and it’s great advice. Unfortunately thoughts of the longer term future keep popping up, and they won’t go away! You are right though, grief follows its own timetable and we just have to go with it.

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In reply to everyone who has commented. I have not been on here a great deal because I am back in work now and work full-time so before I know it its times for bed. My husband passed away on the 19th of January this year and the house (cant call it home now) just doesnt seem the same. I walk in after work and think I cant do this I can live my life without you. Our lives were mundane but that was how we liked it. I went to work, Phil looked after our grandaughter for two days a week. We went out at the weekend. We loved each other very much and even though you know it you take the normality for granted and think your bullet proof. We spent all our time together out of work. Wherever Phil was I was. Life has no purpose now. Yes I’ve got a wonderful family but I want Phil back the person I was with for nearly 40 years. I think of him every minute of every day and even work cannot take my mind off him. I am also looking for another job because I cannot stand the stress of the job I do now. His passing over has made me realise that I have to go for it and do whats best for me. We had so many plans for when I retired but thats never going to happen. I just wish he could put his arms around me and give me a kiss and a big hug. Life will never ever be the same again. My heart goes out to you all. I wish I had a magic wand! x

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Hi,I lost my husband 2 weeks ago and I have been so busy I havent had time to think about my husband but think I have done all the paperwork now and wonder what I am going to do with my life.
Like you I dont want to burden my children but we had so many plans and not sure how to fill my life.
Bob and I met at school and havent had any other boyfriends/girlfriends and was married for 46 yrs.