How do I stay strong for husband when I'm devastated too.

Coping with bereavement
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My husbands twin brother died unexpectedly last year (we’ve just passed the 1 year anniversary). He is obviously truly broken, he’s always been so strong through every challenge life has thrown our way and I’ve never seen him as he is now. He seems like a completely empty shell, i honestly can’t see how he’s ever going to get through this. I’m trying to support him with all my heart, i would do absolutely anything for him but he always looks so lost, so empty. I am obviously devastated too but feel I have to hold it together and be strong because he’s barely managing to function day to day and can’t cope with anymore burdens. I often cry when I’m alone, and grieve when hes not around but I’m not sure what i can do to help him deal with this. He will occassionally talk about how he’s feeling but only if I steer the conversation, it seems he’d prefer to ignore it (at least verbally) and pretend he’s ok but i can visably see the pain etched on his face. I feel completely useless, i can’t help take his pain away and that devastates me. What can i do to try and support him? The loss of a twin, someone you’ve spent every day with since birth, is impossible to comprehend unless you are a twin. Is there anything i can do to ease his pain, i feel so helpless.

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Hello @Songbird1,

Thank you for bravely reaching out. I’m so sorry for your husband’s loss, and for yours, too.

We know that it can be hard to know what to say or do that might help someone you love. Our Grief Kind campaign has created lots of resources to help you to support someone you love through grief. You can:

  • Watch our Grief Kind classes. Our Grief Kind classes are five short video tutorials in which Sue Ryder bereavement experts talk you through what grief is like and how you can support others who are grieving

  • Listen to our Grief Kind podcasts.. Our Grief Kind podcasts are hosted by author, journalist and Sue Ryder ambassador, Clover Stroud. She speaks with celebrities about their personal experiences of bereavement and the support which helped them most when coping with their grief.

  • Read our Supporting someone who has been bereaved guide.

Both yourself and your husband may also find these resources helpful for coping with your grief:

Feeling helpless can be so painful so I really hope some of these links can help.

Take good care,
Seaneen

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You appear to be doing everything you can to support your husband with his devastating loss You cannot be his therapist and you cannot rescue him from his grief Don’t blame yourself it won’t help either of you Has he had any counselling of any kind this could help him and release you both from this suffering Try and persuade him to seek professional help Blessings

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Thank you so much for your kind words. The only person he ever speaks to about it is me, and that is only after encouragement from me (and im grateful he feels he is able to do so). He’s very ‘old school’, stiff upper lip/don’t dwell/showing your emotions is a sign of weakness etc. I have talked to him about speaking to someone else, someone outside of this situation. He just says 'why? It’s not going to change anything and its not goinf to bring him back '. If I’m honest, im surprised how open he’s being about his emotions with me (even though it doesn’t happen very often). We’ve been together almost 30 years and, in aĺl that time, I’ve never seen him vulnerable, he’s always ‘the strong one’, It’s come as a shock to him how vulnerable and lost he’s feeling, but that still wouldn’t make him seek out any help unfortunately. I’m sure we’ll ‘get there’, one day at a time, I just wish I could wave a magic wand and take his pain away.

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