How do we carry on

It’s been 3 week’s since my husband suddenly passed away, no warning signs, nothing - cardiac arrest, boom, gone. He was 48, we have 18 year old twins. We met the day after my 16th birthday and have been inseparable since.

I feel guilty for not appreciating him enough, loving him enough and not putting him first enough. I ask myself, is this why he was taken from us, did I do something wrong, am I being punished for being a bad wife…he deserved better.

I cry all the time, the funeral is this coming week and I’m scared to say goodbye. To see him one last time, to hold his hand or to even tell him off for telling a bad joke is all I desire.

Everyday is hard and seems to be getting harder.

Steve, please give me the strength to support our children and help them live their lives. I would love you to send me a sign that you are OK and guide me along this journey. This is not what we planned for our future, you’ve been taken far to soon.

How will we carry on :cry:

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Maggie 76 I can totally understand your pain 100% because my Rob was taken suddenly 6 weeks ago and it also was cardiac arrest with no warning signs. Just like you I feel as if I’m being punished for all the same reasons as you have already said. It’s not that we didn’t love them enough or anything it’s just that life itself gets in the way, we have family to see to a house to run , go out to work , meals to plan etc etc . Please try on to punish yourself over what has happened. Be strong for your boys they will be grieving too even if you don’t see it . Be strong at the funeral and do him proud , although it could prove difficult given the present circumstances,I could only have 30 people at Robs funeral . I understand you have lost the most precious thing in your life but take comfort in the fact that he didn’t suffer and like my Rob he wouldn’t have known anything about it as it happened so quick which is good for them but not so good for us as we have no time to prepare.
Please keep posting on here I have found so much comfort from here taking advice and guidance from others going through the same motions as us . Sending hugs to you all :heart::blue_heart:

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Maggie 76 in sorry in my post I wrote your boys and should have put children I’m finding I’m reading things but finding it difficult to maintain information at the moment I do apologise x

Thank you for your words of comfort, like you say, atleast they didn’t suffer. I will try and do him proud Tuesday but really scared this makes it all final. I’m also very lucky I have one of boy and one girl. No need to apologise x

Hi Maggie,

I’m thinking of you, I too lost my partner Mike, we were together for 30 years, it’s been 6 months since I lost him suddenly, a pulmonary embolism.

I completely get what what you are saying, it goes around and around in your head, I should have told him more often how much I loved him, appreciated him more, then I think about the conversations we will never have and questions I never asked him.

I wish I could give you some advice but we all know here that there are no words of comfort at this terrible time. Let the tears come, take all the comfort and support you can get, you loved Steve and Steve loved you.

My heart goes out to you.

Jayne
X

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Hi Maggie --Im so sorry for your loss --grief is very difficult and exhausting and its very early days for you, Its been 11 weeks since I lost David and its so up and down and ive learnt to just take each day as it comes–sometimes each hour depending on how i have felt. There has been alot of crying but it has got less lately but I did at first try to stop it but I learnt that crying is good (even though it feels so painful when doing it) but it is a release like a safety valve .This site has helped me alot -there are some lovely people on here all dealing with losing their loved one and there is alot of love and compassion so keep reading and posting. Sending strength and love to you x

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Hi very sorry for your loss I think we all feel guilty about not telling our husbands we loved them every day or appreciateing then enough but I think they knew how much we did. Strange Mick did say every night I live you sometimes I would reply with ditto. So many emotions with our grief take care xx

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Hello All,
My father also passed suddenly from a cardiac arrest - in his sleep. He had some wine that evening and so dehydration may have contributed.
This was 16 months ago. I understand how traumatizing and painful it all is. It is so early and raw for all of you. I can share my experience: the stress does subside. The sadness is a long long process and is unique for every person as to how long it takes hold and dominates your life. But the stress, the ruminating, the thoughts of why didnt I do this or that do subside. For me, it was about 8-10 months for the stress level of a 10 to relax to something livable. I know that helps 0 right now to get you through it. Maybe it gives a bit of hope. I pray that it eases your minds even a tiny bit. Every bit of strength helps and builds on itself.
Warmly,
Ell

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Thank you, your words are a comfort. I am taking things hour by hour at the moment and can only hope in the future I can learn to talk about Steve without such heavy pain. Sorry for your loss also.

Maggie 76 my thoughts will be with you on Tuesday all you can do is give it your best and Steve will understand . You and the twins will do him proud I’m sure of it . Please keep posting on here don’t be alone x x

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I believe we all loved our husband/wife/partners. When they are taken in the blink of an eye the chance to say how we feel is taken away. When they are taken by a long illness yes the chance to say how you feel is there and can ease the pain. But love is just a word it is our actions throughout the relationships we have over the months and years that show how much we loved and were loved.
Simple things making dinner buying that chocolate bar as a treat. Washing the undies. Watching that crap tv programme together the one you hate to watch but at least your together. The silly argument over nothing that mattered really and the chatting five minuites later like it didnt happen. These are just a few things everyone has their own. But it is these simple things that show our love. Our loved ones know we loved them even if we did not say the words our actions every day showed our love and they knew it as do we if we think about how their actions showed how they loved us.
Love is just a word

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@Maggie76 My thoughts go to you all. It must be such a shock. Somehow we do get through, i am not sure how.
Sending you love and strength

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You will carry on because of those children. They will be what gets you our of bed and living again. Yes your life won’t be the same again and yes this is a hole that won’t be filled. Half of you has gone and that’s hard to deal with. So many questions so many what and whys its horrendous. You have nothing to feel bad about i can tell you now he knew you loved him . I feel the same punished but that is a feeling that does go and gets replaced by other things. Your world is upside down and it will be for a long while. You give him a good send off and from there things are a little better even though not better in a way that you want but it’s one thing less to worry about. The best thing is those twins you have he has left you with the best gift to get you through and you will all help each other. Every day is hard and somedays its harder than others. Some days you think you didn’t cry for an hour the next day your cry at everything. Or of it is shock as well as the grief. Don’t be hard on yourself take each hour at a time. Don’t do too much don’t expect to be able to do the things you did before. He is with you he will always be with you no one can ever take that away from you xxx

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