I am still grieving the loss of my husband two years ago but recently made friends with this gentleman at my local bereavement group. We seemed to click immediately and have met up for coffee and lunch a few times.
We planned to go to the cinema this weekend but he has now messaged me to say he’s really sorry but he’s had to cancel because it feels to early and his head is all over the place.
I’m really sad, because I really enjoyed his company as he said he did mine and I was happy to just be friends and see where things took us.
I thought the friendship and the companionship would help us both.
Are there any men out there that can relate to this gentleman and explain to me why even a friendship is too much for him at the moment?
For me friendships have been my main stay and what has got me through the last couple of years. I feel at a loss as to how I can help him.
Hi Hope2
I’m afraid this gentleman sounds like he is in a similar place to myself. I lost my wife 15 months ago and recently felt that I might be ready to “move on”. I dabbled with a dating website but only lasted 24 hours before realising that I wasn’t ready after all and suspended my account. I did, however, continue chatting via WhatsApp with a few very nice ladies who I met on the site. It was all very friendly and pleasant but when we got to the stage of possibly meeting up or going for a walk or a coffee then I just lost my nerve. That might sound ridiculous for a confident, 57 year old adult, but that is what happened. I guess in my case, with a dating website at least, the premise is that you are working towards a relationship rather than something purely platonic. I couldn’t see it panning out in a way that I was comfortable with. We were either going to meet and not take it any further or we were going to meet and hit it off and develop into a couple. I’m afraid I just couldn’t decide if either was something I was prepared for at this time, so I stepped back from the whole “process” - believe me, online dating feels like a process! I think the fact that I kept second guessing myself if I was doing the right thing is confirmation that I am clearly not ready for a new relationship. This was a few weeks ago and I think I am in a place where I do miss female company but I have also adjusted to living on my own and would not want to be in a co-habiting relationship. I know that is jumping ahead several steps but that was my thought process - if it doesn’t end up in a serious relationship then it would just stall or plateau at some point.
My wife and I were together since we were 18/19 and dated, married, raised our family and built our life together over 36 years or so and I cannot imagine ever having that kind of relationship with anyone again. It is a very strange place to be.
He is still mourning and frankly, the thought of “getting to know” someone is too much effort?
He may feel like he is betraying his wife?
Any number of things could be in his head. Just like in ours as widows. He has your number and can call when he is ready. You can always call him and chat.
Much love.
The “betraying his wife” issue could be very real too. I would never have cheated on my wife and was utterly faithful throughout our marriage, but even just setting up my dating profile and putting myself out there felt a bit furtive, which doesn’t sit well with my personality. I wasn’t doing anything wrong, but still felt a bit uneasy engaging with other women. I’m young at heart, but still quite old fashioned when it comes to meeting people I think. I have a feeling that if I do have another relationship then it will be with someone I already know or perhaps a friend of a friend maybe, where there is some kind of connection already. That would feel more natural to me.
Thank you for responding to my post and for the insight. I completely understand and I myself don’t like the idea of dating sites. I have myself was married to my husband for 42 years from the age of 19 and I’d already concluded that if I were ever to move on it would be with someone I already knew or met organically and not on a dating site.
That’s why I was so pleased to have clicked with this guy at our bereavement club. As a widower I knew he’d understand how I felt and we’d have something in common.
I never thought I’d find another man I felt comfortable spending time with let alone find myself attracted to and that’s why it felt so good to get along so well with this guy.
It’s such a shame the timing isn’t right as we’ve been getting on so well we could have been really good friends.
That would have been enough for me if that’s all he felt he could offer, even though he told me he misses being close to someone just as do I but I think even a platonic friendship was a step too far for him at the moment sadly.
Yeah I guess. I just thought some friendship and companionship would benefit us both.
Hi I’ve just joined and I hope to gain some insight in to how others are coping and feeling, I lost my partner last year after a long struggle with cancer, I knew that I wanted to meet someone and joined a dating site 10 months after he passed, I knew when the time was right for me, I met someone with in a couple of weeks , we are dating , been on holiday together but I don’t expect too much from this relationship just fun and good company
Hi there. I’m really pleased for you. Hope this relationship continues to flourish.
I started feeling like I needed to move on about a year after losing my hubby if I’m honest. I still miss him every day but can’t bear the loneliness and miss having that close connection with someone.
I did sign up to a dating site a few months ago but quickly came off it when I realised I wasn’t attracted to anyone and thought I’d never be able to find someone that I could trust and feel comfortable with again like I did my husband. I did get chatting to one bloke but it soon became apparent he was just after one thing so I quickly shut him down.
I decided that if it was going to happen I would just have to leave it to fate.
I had real hopes for a lovely friendship and possibly more in the future with this chap I met recently at my bereavement group but sadly he’s clearly not in the right place yet, so I think I’m now resigned to the fact that I’m going to grow old on my own unless some miracle happens.
Hi thanks for your message, I’m not really sure where my new relationship is going, even if it is a relationship we have just got back from Greece weeks holiday together and I feel like I’m getting to know him better, but he has told me that he’s not sure he wants a relationship so at the moment I’m settling for what I can get. Then he surprises me by agreeing to do improvements on my bungalow at cost and mate’s rates, so I learn to go with the flow and enjoy what time I can have with him and the intimacy is great maybe he’s right for me at this time and it’s a great confidence booster. If and when the time feels right for you try dating and just be prepared to have some male company and enjoy it for what it is.
My dearest friend was widowed 19 years ago. I urge her to try the dating sites. We chose one and WHOA! She got lots of interest and together we sorted through profiles and answered posts. She went on a couple of dates with a few different men, most were hilarious disasters, but in about 2 years (after she had pretty much given up all hope there) she met a man. They have been a couple for a couple of years now and living together happily enjoying life.
When she would go on a date, she would call and tell me his name, give me his phone number and we would talk on the phone until she met up with the man. Then we would chat again when the date was over and until she got home safely.
If you are on such a site, give it time and try to enjoy the process. I know at least 4 couples who met this way, but it wasn’t an overnight thing. Three married.
Much love.
Hi for me i cant imagine giving my heart to another as its completely shattered 
good friends i have but to love again…
Thank you for taking time to respond to my post.
My gentleman friend did actually change his mind and got back to me asking if I’d like to meet up for a drink.
We have met up a few times since then and I felt we were really getting on well but then he messaged me again today saying he was so sorry but he’s not in the right place to continue getting to know me.
I understand it’s early days and his head is all over the place.
I think in reality I’m probably the same. Just so missing being in a relationship and feeling secure and loved after being with my husband for 42 years since I was in my teens.
I’ve realised how vulnerable I am and how I’ve got to learn to be happy on my own before I can ever move on to another relationship.
Oh what I’d give to just have my hubby back.
What did any of us ever do to deserve this pain ?
Hi Hope2. I lost my wife 8 years ago and have never wanted another relationship. I have always thought that it would be a betrayal, but I am older. we were married for 88 years. I still miss her so much. I have family and friends, some female, but they are just friends.
I meant 55 years. not 88.
I can understand that some people think that way.
Personally I do want another relationship. I always liked being married and miss being in a partnership. I am really lonely and I can’t bear the thought of being on my own for the rest of my life. I have loads of friends and keep busy through the day but it’s just not the same as having someone to come home to, someone who’s the centre of your world and you are the centre of theirs. Someone who loves you unconditionally and is your soul mate, lover and confidant.
Me and my husband were married for 42 years. I was with him from the age of 17 and I miss him every day but we had spoken about this together and we’d always told one another that whichever of us passed away first we didn’t want the other one to be lonely and should find a new partner if we got the chance.
I know he’ll always be with me in spirit and I know he’d want me to move on and be happy. I wouldn’t ever feel that I was betraying him. I know he’d be happy for me if I found love again.
Hi Hope, I agree with you about the loneliness. Coming home to a empty home. Perhaps if I had been younger when my Jan went, I would have felt different, but being older has drawbacks, who is going to want to take on that responsibility. I still love her and miss her, and always will.