I’m not sure what I am expecting here, maybe just someone to tell me I’m not going completely mad.
A year ago this week I was signed off work which amounted to 5 months as the constant anxiety attacks and depression became impossible. It was such a hard time as my grandma was terminal with cancer and also had dementia and we’d just had to put her in a home. Long story short I ended up making multiple complaints to the home, local authority and even CQC about her treatment. I was travelling almost 300 miles each way each weekend to see her and just needed to check her charts etc. Then the weekend of the initial covid lockdown we received the call to be at her bedside and thankfully she was transferred to the hospice she liked. She chose me over her two sons to be the allocated daily visitor (covid rules) so I spent all day everyday with her in her final week just talking and holding her hand until she passed (everyone was allowed to be present at that time thankfully). During that week I received nasty messages from my uncles and the nurses even had calls from him kicking off but it was grandma’s choice we were following.
Due to covid I was then lockdown at my parents house for 4 months until rules lifted enough for me to do the long trip to my house. But in recent couple of months everything just seems to be unravelling more than ever. I can’t look at any photos of her or listen to the song she wrote and recorded for me it just hurts too much. I have even had mental health assessments recently after suicide attempts as my head is just a mess.
Luckily working from home (new normal) allows me to go nap during the day if everything gets to much, as can’t afford anymore time off.
I was studying a PhD part-time alongside working full-time but paused it with everything going on and I’m now getting so much pressure from family to start it again saying ‘grandma is watching you can’t give up you promised her’ etc.
And I just don’t know what I’m doing anymore or even why I’m still alive most days.
Sorry for the long post. And thank you for reading if you read this far.
I’m so sorry for your loss. You aren’t going mad at all, you are grieving for someone you loved dearly.
I’m sorry I don’t have the answers…I really wish I did. Sending you love and strength xx
As it’s already been said your not going mad you have lost someone very special to you . It’s very difficult to carry out wishes of our loved one because we who are grieving think we know what’s best for that person who has passed and we aren’t thinking logically we get lost in our grief .
I’m so sorry to hear that you lost your grandma, and that you had so many problems with her care home, as well as family members being aggressive towards you. It sounds as though this has caused you a lot of stress and anxiety, which has been affecting you on top of your grief.
I’m sorry also to hear that you’ve attempted suicide in the past. Were you offered any kind of ongoing support after your mental health assessments? Do you still have thoughts of suicide?
I’m glad that you’ve been able to talk about how you’re feeling here. There is lots of other support out there, and I would really encourage you to reach out and speak to someone about how you are feeling.
The Samaritans are always there 24/7 if you need to talk about anything that’s bothering you (116 123, or jo@samaritans.org).
Sue Ryder offers an online bereavement counselling service. This is a free service and sessions are held via video chat so you can attend from home. There’s more information about this service here: www.sueryder.org/counselling
You can also make an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to counselling or other support services in your area. Please be aware that GPs and support services are not currently offering face-to-face appointments, but will usually be offering telephone or online alternatives.
You deserve care and support so please get in touch with one of these services.
If you are at risk of harming yourself, please call 999 or contact your GP for an emergency appointment immediately.
Thank you all.
I’ve been seeing a counsellor for the past year and he’s quite concerned he rang mental health team himself about me other week. But all they’ve done is prescribe additional medication and discharge me back to GP.
Yes, I’m still getting suicidal thoughts as head is just carnage really. Everyone keeps telling me to ring support lines but I’m just drowed in thoughts that I’m bothering them I just can never call. And I’ve heard so many bad stories about a and e that I don’t think I’d ever do that. But GP has been brilliant over the past year and speaking to them again next week.
Grandma was my everything and the only person who accepted me for being me. She’s the only one who’s ever stood up for me against the family member who basically emotionally abuses me. So now its like I have noone and all I want is to hold her and talk to her everyday like we did. Writing this is the first time I’m shed a tear since she died in March.
Sorry to hear that you are still getting suicidal thoughts. I’m glad to hear that you are seeing a counsellor, and that you have a supportive GP. If you are currently having suicidal thoughts, it’s really important to keep yourself safe, so please do ask if you can speak to them sooner (today if possible), for an emergency appointment.
It sounds as though it is really hard to stop the thoughts that say you would be bothering the Samaritans or other helplines, but please do remember that this is exactly what they are there for and you would absolutely not be bothering them.
It sounds as though your grandma was a wonderful person and I’m so sorry you don’t have anyone else you feel close to, and are being emotionally abused by another family member. I hope you’re able to talk about all of this with your counsellor as well. Sorry to hear that writing this down has made you cry, however, crying can sometimes be a good way to release bottled up emotions.
I lost my grandmother two years ago she was 93 and I used to ring her every day for over 3 years. Then last year my husband passed away suddenly he was 52 I was 45 we’d been married for 25 years and have 2 children. The loss has been unbearable just glad I found this helpful. Take care
I’m so sorry for your heartbreaking losses 
sending love and strength to you xx
Thank you rach25 it’s so difficult to cope