How do you come to terms with a parent moving on?

Hi all, this is my first post on here as I really would like some help/advice/support, and I don’t have anyone else in my life that’s gone through the same thing.

My name is Emma and I’m 29. My mum passed away in April 2023, following her terminal cancer diagnosis in March 2023. She was only 59. Her and my dad were married for 2 weeks short of 35 years.

My dad told me in September 23 that he had met someone else (I since found out that he actually met her in the July). This absolutely broke me. I was awful to him when I found out, I was in shock. I was extremely close with my mum, and I was so upset and found it so disrespectful that he met someone so soon. He insisted we wouldn’t have to have anything to do with her.
He spends every night at hers, and he has been on holiday with her 4 times already (something he never did with my mum).

We have a farm, and dad brought her up to the farm a few weeks ago and made me meet her. I wasn’t very forthcoming, and was absolutely devastated when I left the situation. I want nothing to do with the woman, she seems to be dragging my dad away from his two children (myself & my sister, aged 26) and his livelihood. Dad insists that she will never replace mum, but that’s how I feel.
I said, he can re-marry, find someone else, etc, but we only ever have one mum.

How do people come to terms with this? It makes me so upset thinking about this woman, and feels like I’m carrying a burden round with me all of the time.

I realise how selfish this post makes me sound, but I’m wondering if anyone else has any experience with a similar situation?

n.b. I am happy for my dad, sort of, but he’s losing his daughter in the process. I just miss my mum so much and I’m struggling to come to terms with that

I think we all struggle at some point, I miss my mum too. You need support, we all need support. Sadly it’s not easy to find, I just feel sad today and upset.

I’m so sorry I think that sounds unbearable. I don’t think you’re being selfish at all, it’s still really really recent and you must still be hurting. I’ve no advice I’m sorry but I just wanted to say I see your hurt and I can understand your perspective. Xx

thing is he is not replacing your mum, no one can do that but he has luckily found someone else albeit fairly soon to have a relationship with. there is nothing wrong with that, i would be happy for him, some people dont find any one. you will always miss your mum, thats natural and you are not being selfish on that but maybe look to how your dad is feeling, he is missing your mum too but has found solice in another person he can be close to. it may last ir may not but dont push your dad away over it

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Hi @emmaw710 , when I read your post I connected with it instantly, I lost my mom 6 months back very unexpectedly and my dad has not even shown the slightest emotion, I am 26 and I am struggling everyday to live and there he is enjoying his life. Ik we are adults and should live separate lives but till mom was here I still had a family. Now my dad hangs out with this woman my mom used to hate but I can’t stop him, I maintain my distance is all I can do, in a couple of years I want to be gone and keep just limited relationship with him since he has not been of any help ever. You are not selfish, not many can understand this pain, on the outside they can tell you to be happy for him but when people don’t go through those things, they can just view things differently, this is why therapist and counselors are just business people.

My dear I feel your pain I lost my mum 6 months ago tomorrow and the thought of my dad with anyone new is unbearable. He was with my mum for 48 years and he’s still in bits now, he has said he never wants another women and I hope that too but I do see how lonely he is. Maybe your dad’s the same but I think it’s too soon as it’s only just passed a year for you. Have you or your sister tried talking to him about how you feel? Perhaps try saying you could spend some time with him on his own just so you can still talk about your mum and keep her memory alive! Loosing your mum like me is so painful it’s hard for anyone who hasn’t to understand that. I wish you well x

Hi @emmaw710

It sounds really difficult :pensive:.

We never know how the family will adjust to a loss. I didn’t consider how the family would adjust to the loss of my dad, because he wasn’t ill and I had no reason to think that we’d lose him. I do wonder whether, if mum had have gone first, dad might have found someone else, simply on account of how active in the community he was, compared to my mum who is introverted. See, when a widowed parent doesn’t have many strong relationships outside of the family, that can also be a worry.

I wish you luck in dealing with the tricky road ahead, but keep your dad close :yellow_heart:.