How do you deal with all of the up coming 1st???

How do you deal with all of the 1st?? Our loved ones Birthday, anniversary, day they died, kids going to school, kids going to uni…

My mum’s birthday is coming up on Saturday, I feel nauseated, panicked and anxious. What do I do? Buy her flowers (she loved flowers)? Visit her? Celebrate her? Make her a cake (she loved my cakes)? Buy a card (she loved birthday cards)? Or my favourite STAY IN BED!!! Don’t move all day. Stay under the covers a make believe she’s in the house shouting at my dad.

My 6 year olds birthday is next week and he doesn’t want anything cause his Nannie always took him to Smyth’s toy shop. Nannie was ill during his last birthday party. It breaks my heart.

It’s my birthday on the 2nd February. The woman that gave me this birthday isn’t her to celebrate with me. I feel I shouldn’t celebrate as there is nothing to celebrate!!!

My poor dad is on dialysis and you can see the pain and hurt everyone there is a 1st!!! Can’t the world stop and pause or rewind!!!

What do I do???

Diana x

Hi Diana

I feel all of what you have said and my beloved mum and best friend has been gone 18 months now.

I dont think you should feel pressured into doing anything special for your mums birthday. I let the day pass quietly just thinking about mine. I will say that the build up to the day is much harder than the day itself.

My daughter was 12 when her adored nanny died suddenly and I know the pain is still very much there. She chooses not to mention her much as she get very upset.

I have my 50th birthday next month and I dont even want to mark it. It means nothing without my mum. We were going to go on a cruise this year. I certainly wont celebrate it, but will have a quiet meal with my partner and daughter. Lockdown suits me just fine, sadly.

I hope it all goes ok for you and you are certainly not alone in the way you are feeling.



@DianaT I can’t give you any advice but I know how you feel. I’m not sure what I will do.

My first birthday without my Mum was a month after she died, I didn’t celebrate.

Sadly my Mum died on Mother’s Day last year and her birthday was 2 days before. I realise that Mother’s Day is a different day each year, but feel it means it means several awful days without her in March now.

My Mum loved her garden and flowers so I was thinking of getting a memorial plant or little tree in her memory for her birthday and Mother’s Day. Other than that I will probably have a quiet day. I think it’s personal choice and everyone is different, so there is no right or wrong.

It must be hard for your son too. Mine is too young to understand as he was only 2.5 when my Mum died.

I hope whatever you decide it goes ok. So many of us understand what you’re facing and you’re definitely not alone x

hi diana my mam passed in feb20 an her birthday was 4 weeks later, we had most of ours in first 6 months, xmas was hard but we made such a fuss of dad. had the kids there an grandkids to try to make it nice for him but it felt different. mams first anniversary is in next few days, im dreading it but ill do what i have to try an do what i can.

It’s a year tomorrow that was my husband’s funeral. It’s tough yet again. The heartache just keeps happening.

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My husband died in July 2020. I have had both of our birthdays and Christmas but Feb. 14th would have been our 48th wedding anniversary. I am really struggling with this - the tears just keep on coming

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It’s not an easy one I lost my mum a very long time ago a double whammy because she actually died on my birthday but I always celebrated my birthday because that’s what she would have wanted last year my partner died it was his birthday in October and my friend took me for lunch its coming up to my birthday next month and I am dreading it not wanting to be on my own always a sad time we have to do whatever feels right no set rules


Love conquers all!
You cannot unlove.
It there forever.


Hi everyone I had most of my firsts as my pete died 7th of Dec his birthday was on the 14th Dec so we all got photos balloons & cake & the grandkids let thm off into the sky very emotional time but thn Christmas Boxing Day he was so looking forward to Boxing Day as he had the nxt day off work his first in a long time of boxing days thn New Year’s Eve & day just don’t remember most of it it’s gone in a bluer of tears & anxious days don’t no how I got through it all sending hugs xxx💔

Hello DianaT,
We lost our son in 2019, your feelings are completley normal and you are entitled to these feelings. Mark the day in a way that is right for you. Your son may want to go back to the toy shop that he and his nanny went to, but if not that is ok to. You will know how you want to mark it , remember there is no rule book for grief.
Sending you lots of hugs and assurances that there are people out there who know exactly what you are going through lovely lady.

Hi Everyone, I lost my mum and my husband one after the other really. I nursed my mum and then my husband.

When mum was told she had cancer and 4 months to live, my sister and I were with her. She said to us that she wanted no tears. You can shed a tear or two at my funeral. She said to remember her and enjoy it. So we thought about that whilst crying ( a lot at her funeral)

With mum on her anniversary and birthday the females in the family went for afternoon tea until lockdown. ie my sister, her 2 daughters and mine. We talk about mum and laughed at things over the years and decided to do it every year.

As for my lovely husband I am struggling through the first anniversaries. On my husband’s first birthday in December the daughter whose bubble I am in, ordered afternoon tea to be delivered at my house and I got some photos of my husband out when growing up. We realised how much my daughter is like him and yes we both enjoyed the day.

Our 42nd wedding anniversary was the week after he passed over, two days after his funeral so that one was a blur of loss.

I have got my birthday and the anniversary of his death to face yet but just having company helps.

You are all in my thoughts!


I don’t know the answer to that. I am really new to all this. My husband of 53 years died two months ago. Valentines Day is my first 1st. He was never that keen on Valentines Day as he thought it was a bit of a commercial racket, but he usually gave me a card. The other hard one was that because he died just before Christmas he never got to get me a Christmas present. His are still in a box in his study.
I have only just got round to crying. Before that I was numb.

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Hi Mm43

Don’t be too hard on yourself, it is very early days. I kept myself busy by clearing my husband’s stuff out. I learned a lot about him! Some of it upset me but something drove me on. I shredded a lot of paperwork too as he kept everything. I also started to sort the garage out.
I seemed to think if something happened to me I did not want to leave extra work for my daughters.
Everything was a challenge as we had a traditional marraige so I know nothing about cars and jobs in the house. 8 months on have I learned a lot dispite being frightened when anything breaks.
I still have bad days and better ones but the one thing I am sure about is I would not wish him to still be here suffering like he was the 12 months before he died. He told me I had to carry on and I think of that with every tear I cry.

Virtual hug to you.


My daughter died on 20th March last year and it was her birthday 2 months later. I ordered afternoon tea in for us, her brothers and our grandchildren. We were unable to have a proper funera because of Covid but there was no way we weren’t going to celebrate her birthday. We had a nice tea and we let off 43 balloons and we all write a message on one. It wasn’t as sad as I thought and we were at least all together for a couple of hours. I am doing the same for the anniversary of her death. I wasn’t sure if my two sons would want to recognise the day but they do. We are in the same bubble so not a problem but will be together for a couple of hours. Do what you feel you want to do, there is no right or wrong thing and am sure you will have loads of memories to fall back on x

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Awww I feel your pain also! It’s so so hard.

I’ve had some firsts already without mum, and have no idea how I got through them.
You just need to do what feels right for you at the time.

I’m absolutely dreading mothers day then it will be the first anniversary! I felt utterly overwhelmed at new year and just visited her favourite place she loved, when she visited us and let a balloon off with a message!! There isn’t a right or wrong i don’t think…
Only what feels right for you…

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I lost my daughter in October she was 37 and left two young children and March would be her birthday and her sons. Reading what you wrote is sad but I know I’m not the only one who is suffering look after yourself and I send my lovex

Hi mm43 Christmas for us was horrendous don’t no how I got through it & same my pete 3mths ago & Valentine’s Day we didn’t celebrate I didn’t even get a card or neither did he he told me all the time he loved me I had a couple of good days & thort I was coping thn Iv crashed right down again crying & Empty & just carnt get a breath keep trying to keep busy that helps sending love & hugs xx💔

Hi Diane, so sorry for your loss :pensive: Birthdays are a very hard time and my 14yr old son has his Dads birthday coming up in March who passed away last April​:yellow_heart: :broken_heart: We planted a tree in our garden for him,so we will tie a blue love heart balloon to it, we let it go later in the day and do a toast to his Dad :blue_heart: We are also cooking his Dads favourite dish (curry) and I will tell our son all the funny storys and remember his Dad in our special way . My son has counselling and the best way is to always talk and remember the lovely memories they shared :blue_heart: Hope this helps, its not easy and never will be and always a struggle…

I lost my husband on 5th December. Today is his b’day. He would have been 69. My daughter came down to have lunch with me ( I’m in her bubble) We scattered some of his ashes in the garden.
. After she left I took my dog a long walk on my mobility scooter. When I came home I lit a fire in our fire pit- played some of our favourite music- toasted him with our favourite tipple and sat wrapped up for an hour reminiscing. I’ve had such a lovely day which really surprised me and havrn’t :sob:all day ( I was more emotional yesterday ).
‘I’m so glad I was able to celebrate his special day. I’ve now got to face Valentines Day as it is the day we met 20 yrs ago. :broken_heart: