My partner is a very unemotional, no fuss sort of fella. Hes not close to his family and will not feel the same way as me, when his Mum dies. He has been as supportive as he can be but he finds it difficult.
I turn 40 on Sunday, my first birthday without my Mum and it’s a big one. Mum has only been gone 5 months. I don’t normally pay much attention as it’s just a birthday and I’m not bothered but this year it’s different. No happy birthday text or call from Mum. No Elizabeth Arden face cream in the gift bag she gives me every year. No card saying how much she loves me. No sharing memories of my birth, about how peaceful and quiet it was just after I popped out, how the nurse said “get the rollers out!” Becuase I was born with dark curly hair.
I expressed how I had been thinking about it a lot this morning with the day on its way pretty fast.
My partners response was “it’s just another day.”
Is it? Is it really? When my Mum is dead? It’s just another f***ing day???
I replied calmly but now I’m furious inside and I can’t seem to work through it. So many things have come up just from
That one response.
Just another day. Like every other day since my Mum died, is just another day???
Yeah… far from it I’m afraid. The words are making me angry.
Grrrr, its so frustrating isnt it? Your partner probably has the best of intentions but by saying “its just another day” hes not acknowledging how YOU feel about it. Therapist and writer Megan Devine explains how any phrase that could be finished with "so dont be sad " is not helpful - its the unspoken half of the sentence e.g: “at least they’re not suffering …(so dont be sad)”, “they would want you to enjoy your life…(so dont be sad)”, “its just another day…(so dont be sad)”.
They are all attempts to make it better, move you on, but although well intentioned its not helpful! It makes you feel not heard. Ive lost count of the times ive faced this with friends who have made me SO angry! Some i have tried to educate, some i know there is no point talking to them about this stuff, so i pick and choose who i talk to.
With a partner i guess thats harder because you cant just avoid talking to him! Has he been supportive in other ways over the last 5 months - does he show his care in more practical ways? Is he the sort of person that wants to help but just doesnt know how? I think i would talk to him and say you might not always understand why im feeling a certain way, but if i tell you im feeling worried/upset/angry etc just accept that, dont try and “fix” it and don’t downplay it. I know its massively exhausting having to explain this stuff but unless youve been there, some people arent naturally empathetic and just wont have a clue.
Hi @ColdWaterMermaid
When people are insensitive like this, I have pictures in my head of hitting them over the head with a frying pan , like in a looney toons cartoon. It’s soooo frustrating when they don’t acknowledge how your feeling, sadly people who haven’t been through it just don’t get it, so don’t usually know what to say.
I know what you mean though, it’s not “just another day,” 40 is a big number, I’m in my late 30’s, & dreading my 40th, as you say, there’s a sort of routine of things, & all the memories that go with that, knowing mom will do things to make the day special, happy birthday message, presents, a trip to see a show or have coffee, a special day trip, all the things she does that are saying “I love you,”.
He has, but we’ve had our ups and downs. He is the way he is and I can’t expect him to become a different person because I’m grieving.
It’s difficult because we are so different, he will never know this pain. He’s lost friends in the past, so he’s experienced loss…. But he buries his feelings and explodes in arguments.
He is supportive. As you say in more practical ways. But he wants to motivate me. And it’s very much not helpful to me. Sometimes I can’t BE motivated.
I don’t know really… as you say I just want to be heard. I say things sometimes and he just doesn’t respond. So, I feel like there’s no point.
My response to him today was met with silence. So he just schooches over a lot - I have to make it so OBVIOUS I’ve been hurt or I’m upset…. And it’s exhausting.
I think sometimes people don’t know what to say so they just saying “something” hoping it’s right. A lot of the time it’s not meant to be insensitive but it’s so painful to those who hear it.
@ColdWaterMermaid what if you treated yourself to some of the things your Mum would normally buy you? It might sound silly but I saw something I know my Dad would have bought me before Christmas so got it for myself telling myself it was from him. Not the same I know but it made me feel a little better, maybe it would work for you?
@Pandaprincess Your frying pan comment made me laugh…are you a Disney fan? There’s that line in Tangled “Frying Pans, who knew, right?”
Probably best we don’t hit anyone on the head though, tempting though it is!
You have my sympathies: my 40th is less than a week after yours, and we lost my dad at the end of last year. It will be very hard.
We had to have Christmas without him, too. A friend of mine wrote in my Christmas card that he’d have wanted me to have a nice Christmas. She meant well, but I’m not sure that that would have been my dad’s first thoughts on the subject. He’d have completely understood that my only priority would be getting through the day, and supporting my mum, siblings and nephews to do the same.
Mine & yours must be cut from the same cloth, because he has been downright heartless, he even went to a bonfire party on the night his own mother died!
The comments he has passed are cruel……’why don’t you tidy yourself up & we’ll go shopping’, that was 8 days after she had passed. I mentioned to him that I wouldn’t get a birthday card off my mam this year {it’s November 22nd}, he actually said to me, ‘oh you’ll be over all this by then’
Men!!
But, I have 8 days of peace without him, he has gone on holiday with his daughters, I was supposed to go, but told him when mam passed I wouldn’t go, but apparently that was selfish of me!
Hi @Formamjoan4835 Sorry to hear your partner is being so insensitive, I don’t know how people can be so heartless GRRR! I hope you have other friends & family to support you at the heartbreaking time, loosing a parent is a very upsetting time, it changes things, especially the empty space it creates in our lives, birthdays are hard, it’s understandable to miss a parent that has passed, it’s not selfish that you didn’t want to go on the holiday, it’s selfish of him to try to tell you how to feel, & how to grieve, shame on him, he has no right to talk to you like that, your entitled to your feelings, & this is your grief journey. Sending hugs of support, you can always talk on this forum, as much or as little as is comfortable for you. Look after yourself.
, like in a looney toons cartoon. It’s soooo frustrating when they don’t acknowledge how your feeling, sadly people who haven’t been through it just don’t get it, so don’t usually know what to say.
I will probably do exactly that!
Sorry to hear your partner is being so insensitive, I don’t know how people can be so heartless 
GRRR! I hope you have other friends & family to support you at the heartbreaking time, loosing a parent is a very upsetting time, it changes things, especially the empty space it creates in our lives, birthdays are hard, it’s understandable to miss a parent that has passed, it’s not selfish that you didn’t want to go on the holiday, it’s selfish of him to try to tell you how to feel, & how to grieve,