Thank you SueMa…I try to remember that x
Sue I am truly so sorry indeed to hear your story…
Whenever I mentioned to the Dr that my husband had no appetite, and had lost alot of weight, it was never acted upon. I cant help but feel that this surely would not have been the case before all the Covid Lockdowns…
So many things unsaid is exactly how I feel, but I have only just recently started to talk to my husband, and I find that it helps me a bit…I hope one day this living nightmare gives us some peace…x
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Lonely…
Thank you so much for your very wise post, and for all the poignant songs.
Long relationships are not always a bed of roses, and life can drag you into the arguments, and disagreements. Knowing someone inside out means that you are so familiar with each other, you can also be very honest with each other I suppose.
You are right…I need to try and concentrate now on the good times we had, of which there were many! I am starting to count myself so lucky to have had such a long and contented relationship. I just wish we had a bit more time, but then, much wants more eh?
Many thanks again for taking the time to reply to my post and for posting the great songs xx
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I have posted this before but think worth repeating.
I am so grateful for what we had and try not to dwell on what I don’t have now. 
We have entered the next chapter of our lives. 
G. Xx
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Hugs 
to you .feel the same as you have regret .take care x
Oh my, I too have these same dreadful regrets, shame even, about how I behaved in the last three years before my husband died. He’d had two strokes and although he made some effort after the first one he just gave up after the second. He could no longer walk or talk. He had difficulty swollowing and he had little energy. I too was concentrating on all the practical stuff - medication for comorbidities, endless hospital or medical appointments or discussions with various professionals from consultants, GP, speech and language, physios, OT, nurses, social services, managing his physical needs, taking him out, running the house and managing finances. It was hard to see his deterioration as I was with him 24/7. When the pandemic hit it was hard to access physical support although he had a wonderful carer coming in 5 days a week to help get him up, showered and dressed. At the same time my mum who lived 3 hours away, was very ill and desperate to see me. I couldn’t leave my husband alone so if I had to go out I had to organise a sitter. Needless to say, after 3 years, I developed depression and compassion fatigue. I was vile. He looked so hurt and frustrated. Then in March last year my mum died. I hadn’t seen her for 3 months. My husband declined and eventually died in August, having choked on some food while we were out. I wad devastated, and still am. Although he didn’t regain consciousness he was taken to hospital and put on a ventilator. I managed to tell him over and over that I loved him. I’m sure he heard me but he couldn’t respond. Then we had to have a postmortem. It took them 10 days before it was carried out. I couldn’t face seeing him again. I wanted to remember that he was peaceful when he died. I managed all of that, had an uplifting and celebration of his life type funeral, and then got the post mortem report. The physical description was nothing like my husband - spelling of his name, height, distinguishing features, even his ethnicity were all wrong. I questioned it, the report was amended and everything else glossed over. I just ran into a brick wall and couldn’t fight it. I feel I let him down both in life and in death and I can never forgive myself.
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JJBee
What an absolutely horrendous time you have had. You said you were ‘vile’…oh my goodness, who wouldn’t be with all that you had to cope with? It would take some kind of robotic Saint to carry on regardless with all that you and your husband had to endure. My heart absolutely went out to you when I was reading your post. How utterly cruel life can be. You have been to hell and back, and then you are saying that you will never forgive yourself…for what? Being human? Being broken and lost, and trying to cope with an impossible situation?
I read somewhere that there is a big difference between guilt and regret…guilt comes about when you purposely set out to do something that you know is wrong,
Regret comes about when you do something that you dont know at the time is wrong…
This helped to unravel things for me, and I hope it does for you.
I dont think you let your husband down atall…you were there for him, and the awful situation that you were both in, as well as losing your Mum, all became too much!
I have no doubt atall that your husband knew that you loved him, and still love him dearly, and that the harsh and relentless circumstances that you were both having to deal with had a huge part to play.
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Katiemarylucy,
Thank you so much. Your kind and compassionate words are so welcome. I’m sobbing that someone can be so thoughtful. There are definitely things I feel guilty about but it’s true that most of the emotion is regret, and deep sadness. I suppose in time I will learn to live with it but I have a lot of growing to do as a person. I don’t want to be feeling sorry for myself I just want to learn from my mistakes to support others around me.
Thank you for taking the time to respond to me despite your own great loss. This truly is such a supportive forum. I wish you healing and comfort as you travel your own bereavement journey. I only hopethat I can help someone else here in time.
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Hello again JJBee…
No need to thank…reading your post help me too. It helped me realise again once more that I am not alone with my own thoughts and feelings of regret and deep sadness. I suppose in life in order to feel great happiness, (which I had once, but never realised I had it)!..we also have to experience great sadness.
I too have alot of growing to do as a person.
I have questioned alot about myself and I am slowly trying to forgive myself. It isn’t always easy, but it’s the only way to keep going in this new world we have been thrown into.
Try not to be too hard on yourself…you are not feeling sorry for yourself atall…you have been through, (and are still going through), a deeply harrowing and upsetting time.
You sound like a really kind person to want to support those around you, even though you are grieving and trying to process and cope with what has happened, but remember to be kind to yourself too…
This forum does help so very much …there are alot of people going through the same thing and who understand…
You take care and keep putting one foot slowly in front of the other…
x
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Every one of us has regrets, want /need forgiveness , maybe we became complacent in our relationships. Too comfy with each other, too set in our own wee bubbles but that’s what couples do isn’t it?
Suddenly the bubble bursts and we wake up & smell the coffee.
Grief gnaws away at you - try not to let it overcome you or dwell on the “bad bits”.
Hope that makes some sense 
G. X
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My goodness 
that is so how I feel .so much I wanted to say to my husband . and didn’t get the chance. hugs to you all .the regrets are horrible X:heavy_heart_exclamation:
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Reading your response to JJBee has helped me to understand the difference between guilt and regret. When my husband was ill in hospital he asked to come home ( I don’t think he knew he was dying - the doctors had not told him ). He was a workaholic and I was afraid he would try to carry on ( he could be very stubborn and had almost had an accident while driving when he really wasn’t well enough). I told him hospital was the best place for him as he wasn’t strong enough to come home. He passed away four weeks later in a hospice. I console myself with the thought that I could only do what I thought was best ‘at that time’ but I have been wracked with guilt thinking I denied him his request.
It is seven months since he died and I think your reply has helped me to see this as a regret and not guilt, if that makes sense.
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Hello Grandma
It makes complete sense.
I look around and see couples exactly like we were…just thinking that we were exempt from anything bad…a definite bubble…
And grief gnaws away…you are right…and you are not in control of the wave of different emotions…
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Hello Gingerkitty…
This is why this forum is so supportive, as I heard that guilt/regret analysis on here, and I just passed it on, as it helped me so much to try and make sense of things.
And you absolutely did what you thought was best ‘at that time’.
My husband refused to go into hospital, and I was wracked with guilt because I didn’t ‘take control’ and get a Dr to admit him, and if I had done that, maybe he would be here today, but as you say, I did what I thought was best ‘at that time’, as a recent stay in hospital had not been a success, and the mention of another stay caused him to go into a tailspin.
Like your husband, he was also very stubborn.
None of us has a crystal ball.
I am trying to stop beating myself up about decisions I made, which at the time, I thought were for the best.
I am so glad that I have helped you in some way, in the same way that I was helped …
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Thank you, I do try to tell myself that … but I don’t always listen! Xxx
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Dont worry…I am the same!
Keep in touch xxx
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@Beki Just seen this as I mainly look at losing a partner on here. But I guess guilt is the same. I cared for my soul mate full time for 3 years, stopped work and lost our business, did everything for my girl through 40 chemo sessions, 12 A&E admissions and some symptoms I can’t share here. I spent the last 5 months 24/7 at her bedside in a hospice, slept on a campbed and spoonfed my darling girl every meal (I’m not looking for praise here, I wouldnt and couldn’t have been anywhere else). BUT I feel enormous guilt for once getting a bit tetchy with her for about 5 minutes one day, and for saying I agreed with the consultant that I should get out an extra few hours to get exercise and relieve my head. And yet my brain knows I did everything for her, and she adored me to the end - but my heart breaks for those 2 things…
So, your analogy of the rice grains is brilliant - thank you so much, I think that may get me an understanding and perspective…
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My husband passed away seven months ago.
In the last few months he was at home he was very grumpy but I don’t think I realised how ill he was.
I later discovered he’d told other people how bad he was feeling but he’d not really talked to me about it.
He shouted at our son constantly and I remember saying to him one day, “if you die, do you want that to be our sons lasting memory of you?”
It seems harsh now and I regret/ feel guilty for not asking how he REALLY felt. He once said that he didn’t suppose he’d ever get better but I joked it away saying that I didn’t suppose he’d ever be 35 again either. He was never one for meaningful conversations and I accepted that over our 32 years together … but now I feel so sad that he didn’t share how poorly he felt.
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I feel so much for the dying.
I can only imagine how they feel.
the terrible sadness. I cannot even write about my parents.
it KILLED me to see them face death. the greatest horror of our lives, we see.
so sorry for them and for everyone.
Yes in the last couple of weeks there were some fraught times between me and mum. I was exhausted from working and caring, she was iller than perhaps we realised and scared. We both said some stupid things, I threatened to leave, she begged me to stay. That small time, condensed into hours is just one grain of rice in a lifetime of other moments
The day before she died, I washed her hair. She enjoyed her tea. We laughed over silly in jokes yet it’s those tetchy times play on my mind. The mind is a nasty gremlin at times!
Hope you have a gentle weekend, be kind to yourself
Beki x
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